Just a bit of fun

He didnt know what he couldnt say. He didnt know a lot of things to say. What he did know was hard to say. So he didnt say anything he wanted to say.

Always a sliver linning

This week, and the next, will be a tough emotional week for me, or will it? I would love to say that in actual fact, it was just a very good learning curve and I should be extremely grateful for everything that people do for me, and to support me.

I love it. I love all the constructive things that people say. I love all the help and support that my supervisor has given me. I love everything that that world has done for me. I love you all, my friends, colleagues, family, God, and the one-time strangers that pass through my life.

I am extremely grateful for how God has changed my world. He is still changing it for the better. And thus, this I know is true, and I will brave through the storm for a better tomorrow. He has given hope and comfort above all else. He knows my pain and sorrows, and he knows my heart and the truth it holds dear.

My father, thank you for being in my life. Thank you for supporting me, and guiding me. Thank you for bringing the best in my life. I will wear out any storms just knowing that you are right here with me.

Finding myself

I dislike being away from my boyfriend. You might say that I have attachment issues.

Without him, I feel abandoned and even more insecure.

As it is, I have no self confidence.

But I got to change that. I got to start believing in myself. Start trusting myself. Start loving myself.

The first step is always the hardest. But I will try my best to be all that I can be. To live life to the fullest, to dream exponentially, to find the WILL again to stay strong and buckle up because it can be done.

For so long, I have been single, I have always found ways to keep myself busy. But dating someone has soften me. It has reduced me to a pitied fool, only because now I can't bear to tear myself from him. And now, I grow more dependent on him to validate me as I become used to his praises, love and encouragement.

While he has continued to stand strong, I have dissolved my soul to blend into him. Like a dust floating in the air, I go where he blows.

So this post is able finding myself again, and standing tall.

Recently, he has picked up several sports, which leaves me in a dilemma. I have time on my hands, but nothing to wile away my loneliness.

In my attempts to find meaning in life again, here are the list of activities I round up:

Reading, writing, drawing, running, shopping, Japanese, dancing, ice skating

The only problem is, these are all single activities, and I hate being alone, not when he is with friends.

I have no real girlfriends to go out with. No friends to hang out with. No one but him. Perhaps that is why life without him depresses me. Only because I have no social network to cling on.

But still, I have promised myself to stand up tall! Just do it. WRITE. LIVE. LOVE. LIFE.

2012 and HFMD

It is the year 2012, so long since my last post.

A lot has changed in my life. One of them an exclusive committment to dating a guy. Relationships come and go, but this guy has persisted and stayed the longest, to say the least. I have much to say about him, all things good, but that would take a lifetime, I hope.

To make it simpler, here's a list of why the guy rocks.
-loving
-sensitive
-humourous
-kind-hearted
-sweet
-gentle
-caring
-understanding, well, sometimes
-adventerous
-exciting
-opinionated
-thinker
-doer
-creator
-interesting

And above all, he loves me, very much.

Of course, there are some cons about him. But they pale in comparison to his good qualities. He is much the keeper, and is worth so much that I could have known, or originally thought.

In truth, he is the reason why I haven't been able to go online and blog or do anything else. Simply because I have been spending most of my time with him.

In life, if you asked when is my happiest moment, well, I can say that one of them is really the day we found each other. Too sappy, huh. Well, all I can say is I hope this last a lifetime.

~~~

I have been down with HFMD. It is terrible indeed. It attacked my scalp, which spourted mushrooms of lesions as if in a flowering bed. It also suddenly gave me small tiny spots of lesions on my face, which spread around the lower face, lips, nose, and forehead. Plus, my hands started having round blister-like spots, but painless. Luckily, the lesions all died after the 3rd/4th day. Good riddence, I say!

Not to be outdone, basketball size ulcers grew at the back of my month, and goodness knows where the rest of the less painful ulcers went. But the mouth ulcers were the worst. It hurts like crazy because it was so hard to drink, swallow, eat, talk. Swallowing was an extremely hard chore. The pain was intensified each time I swallowed anything, even water. After a few days, you can feel the pressure of your ears build up, like being in an airplane. Talking was well, what? Talking? Sorry, I am officially mute the next couple of days.

I was in msia for a couple of days, and when I went back to spore for a checkup, the doctor prescribed strong painkillers, mouthwash and lozenges. Frankly, I have been withstanding the pain during the peak of the pain, so I guess, I am lucky that well, I managed to live with it fine.

I drank lots of barley while in spore, and it really helped!

One good thing did come out of the HFMD. I was 'sick' for a week and a half, and woot! Free from work! But of course, I had to work from home then, else my world will collaspe when I'm back.

It is also very very very boring, at home.

Realization

One of the things I realized, as I sit, laze, dream in bed, is that I have more time to daydream and be myself now that I have my own room. I have no parents yelling my name or nagging me.

I have more time, more freedom, even it is just a room space.

I am becoming to used to this freedom. I want to explore my surroundings, and know the place. Have a feel for it.

Today, I ran my usual 5km route near the neighborhood and decided to check out a building nearby. Turns out, it is the neighborhood shopping mall, where once I wanted to walk home from there, but didn't know my directions. On the way back, I took a different path through a man-made park, cutting through some apartments, and then finding my path back home again.

It is things like this, the wonderment of a new environment, that makes me dream.

~~~

I am just glad that I still have the strength to run my usual 5km without so much of a stop, except at the traffic lights. Living by myself, I always find a reason to skimp on my food, until I tire out extremely quickly. I can feel my weak muscles where once they pound the streets with strength and endurance. But then, it has only been a week plus since I last ran my 5km, so perhaps I have not deteriorate as badly as I thought I had.

Running is now part of my lifestyle, however much I dislike it. I have to prep myself up for it for a day before I am roaring to go.

I always think that if I am a naturally skinny person, I wouldn't have to exercise so much. But I'm not, so I'm running. On second thought, if I am skinny and I did not exercise, I would just be a pretty face without a fit body. I like having a fit body, and so, I think I am just resigned to exercising, however much I sigh and groan, because the outcome produces much happiness. Think endorphins. Plus, it clears my head, and trains my focus (aka, don't stop, keep running, bring the leg up, get rid of those chunky thighs yea). Told you, I have to cheer myself on to keep running.

~~~

I just want to dance. Let me dance. Smooth and slow. Fast and tight. Quick and sexy.

~~~

Can I dream on. Let me breathe.

~~~

With this free space, I can finally reflect, write, and be just myself. How peculiar the silent me. I have forgotten how you were until now.

Just the beginning

Salsa. I am taking up salsa again. Because I can. Because I need to. Because I want to.

Because its love.

Thank you for remaining in me, this passion unknown.

I finally bought my pair of dancing shoes, and ballet heels. Just too pretty!

~~~

Finally bought my first bb cream as well. Skin79 VIP Gold. Plus a Za Cleasing Gel.

I feel happy. Too much excitment. Probably thats why my hunger system is messed up.

~~~

Such love. I dont want to feel it.

Just go away and leave me be.

~~~

I need to run. Run. Run like the wind.

And plenty of sleep.

Sunday Cooking

The prune cake is gone. In a day.

So I baked another one.

Prune and Apple Cake.

I modified the recipe since the first was too sweet, and there were not enough fruits. I used the same amount of prunes, added 3 chopped apples, 2 eggs, 1.5 cups flour, cinnamon, nutmeg, 1 cup yogurt, 3 tbsp oil, 1 tbsp honey, almonds, and totally forgot the baking soda.

After an hour of waiting torture, I pulled out the pan and behold, my delicious healthy cake.

Unfortunately, it was rather moist. Sniff sniff. I suppose it was because the apples and prunes contained too much water. But that's okay. After cooling, it hardened back up, or at least, I hope, coz the same happened to the first prune cake.

I realized that the prunes themselves were horrifyingly sweet. I bought them from a mart selling only baking ingredients. They repacked the prunes and so I have no clue where these prunes came from. The prunes were cheaper but I think I am going to avoid them next time.

~~~

A few hours earlier, I made kimchi fried rice for lunch.

Chopped a white onion, celery, carrots, and kimchi. Cooked with brown rice, and oooohhh, we have kimchi fried rice. Munch munch.

~~~

So it seems as if our kitchen has been busy preparing a ton of food, especially since mom has been churning out another two tubs of pineapple tarts and shepard pie for dinner, with ahem, the help of our maid. Somehow, I prefer preparing the food myself.

Mom's shepard pie was fine, but there was something noticeably missing, so I ordered my little sister to bring out the oregano, rosemary and cayenne pepper. Sprinkled them into my bowl and viola, the western version. (My mom made the chinese version.) My whole family did the same (courtesy of me as I took their bowl and sprinkled on the herbs), and it was delicious. My mom laughed and said I was putting in the witches herbs. Well, it was yummy enough. Suddenly, I was so glad I bought the cayenne pepper, coz frankly, what's our family going to do with it!? We only survive on garlic, red onions, salt and ... some chinese herbs.

Ah, the benefits of coming back from the other side of the world. Suddenly, these western herbs make sense. Sort of. Sometimes.

~~~

And then, at the end of the weekend comes the pain of added weight. Tight skirts and blouses. I frankly dont know why I do this to myself.

Cereal

Ever since Im back, I created this routine for myself.

Every weekend, I would cook something, use a facial scrub, put on a mask, and go swimming.

I failed some weekends, but mostly, I stick to the routine. It's fun.

I enjoy cooking and I missed it when I came back home. Weekends are now the only time when I can cook.

Mostly, my cooking tends to be baking/roasting. Yes, I try to stay healthy.

My speciality lies in baking cereal/museli. It's just too easy. I bring them to work everyday for snacking purposes. The kitchen is stuffed with cereal supplies - TUBS of honey, packets of rolled oats, bottles of raisins, boxes of almond/nuts, packets of sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds. My dad always refers to the sight of mom and I baking, a factory. Because we produce large amount of quantity to last a week, that is, if my brother doesnt go near them first.

So this time, since I have no time no bake cereal, I hid my remaining cereal in another cupboard. Hopefully, there's still enough cereal to last for another week.

Prune Cake

It's been a long time since I was away, and now I'm back.

Oh yea.

My life has been in an uproar but its all settling down nicely.

Today, I baked a prune cake, and it was glorious!

Warm and moist and sweet. Too sweet personally for my liking.

And oh, the whole family farted.