2008

Happy New Year 2008.

I am coming into the year...

with a lot of ...

UNCERTAINTY.

Hope

I realised there are many problems in life, that I am just touching upon.

Those problems, I am starting to encounter, I wished I didnt have to go through with it.

I guess I had too high an expectation.

Really high.

And now, it is gone.

Because you see, I have lost much hope.

And those problems, will likely continue. I will stumble upon them repeatedly. But for now, I think I need a break.

A long one.

Hopefully, I will learn to deal with them with the time comes.

MAD

I am MAD!!! And UPSET!!!

At everything.

I am MAD.

Because...

I misplaced my Student ID.

and ROCKY relationshipS.

Warning: At your own risk...

If you really want to know, Nivla...

The top, back and side of my head hurts. It feels blocked and the weight of the tension is pressing down so hard that I cannot eat, drink, sleep or cry. The pain is traveling to my tip of my eyes. I am choking so hard, it cuts off my blood to my brain cells. I have to stop and focus or I cannot read, write or talk. Each step is an effort, to swallow the pain and continue on. Each step is a journey that I am struggling alone. The pressure is contricting my throat and pressing. So much pressure.

It is almost as if I am going out of my way to avoid a certain something from happening and the effort is hurting my brain. I am avoiding and it is so hard, because my future is bleak.

This is what I call emotional pain.

Together with a paper that I am supposed to start, I feel burned out, guilt, stressed, and fear.

Lots of fear.

So much that my body trembles and my hands shake when I want to start writing.

I fear a lot of things.

My papers, my life, my future.

I fear for them all and it is making me sick.

I need a breather. I want everything to be over. The exams, the papers, the games.

Just tell me, because I cannot let go, until you say the word.

~~~

Every smile and word, I force.

Every force is pain.

Every pain increases pressure.

Every second, it grows.

Every growth leads to a breakdown.

But it has not happened.

I tried, but the tears refused to fall.

And the pressure keeps building.

And the cycle repeats.

~~~

I cannot speak a word of the pain.

I cannot, but the person inside is crying, and is putting on a brave front. Are you happy, because she is happy. She really is.

She wants peace, just for a little while. Will you bring peace?

Give her grace, happiness, fill her with sunshine, happy thoughts and wonders of the world.

Fill her, because she is crying and there is no one around to help. She can call no one for help, because she doesnt want to become a burden. She is trying to make them happy, but she is failing and it is eating her inside. Every step, the pain. The deadline nears, the relationship falls and the communication breaks down, the clock is ticking, the pain grows but try as hard as she could, she couldnt cry. She is blocked and there is no released.

She feels stoned. Really STONED.

Edit : I will be alright for a brief period of time. Music calms my soul. I am insecure, because of something occupying my mind 24/7, and I didnt voice my thoughts. I needed an outlet. I thought about spilling my guts out in a confrontational discussion way, but it is not the time yet. Everything is so fragile that I have to tred lightly. I just need to believe, trust, and see the big picture, but it is so difficult. When is the time to be honest and spill? I will never know.

Cracked.

I really tried.

I really did.

But I couldnt cry.

Even if I wanted to.

The tears are all dried up.

Good bye

I don't really care anymore.

If someone really cares, the person should be here.

But I guess not.

In that case, I am worrying myself over nothing.

Good ridiculance and GOOD BYE.