Pondering

I am waiting...for money to fall from the sky.

I wrote my resume today. It was not that difficult after all. Can you imagine putting it off for a year!

Well, I finally did it. Hurray!

Still, I need to buy a suit and some working clothes and pick up some tips... oh well, the work never ends until I find a job.

There is something bugging me all day today.

I dont know why but it is at the back of my mind, like ... I need to do something but I dont know what it is.

Maybe it is due to the fact that I need to finish my novel, but I havent started and class is tomorrow. Hmph.

Or maybe I need to start designing my website, but I got no clue what to put in. Hmph.

Or maybe it is because I need to file in my graduation by friday and it is not done yet. Hmph.

~~~

Update on my yoga class... The muscles at the back of my thighs are really stretched. I can feel it whenever I walk. Or do you call that a muscle tear? Or a muscle pull? It is not exactly an ache, more a stretch. I am planning to go again on friday. Hehehe.

And I found out that I lost one kg! Hahaha. Hmm. I just wish I could lose more weight in my thigh/butt/tummy area and keep the rest reasonable.

I recently found out that healthy BMI in singapore for girls is 25! In America, it is 30. Shocking news. That means ALL the time I thought my weight was satisfactory in America, it is like ... more towards to fat side in spore. Sigh. Just when I thought I was healthy enough, I have to work a little more extra hard.

Shuumatsu

Friday - Hung out with NK for half a day. Miscommunication. Home alone.

Saturday - Worked in the morning. I went to watch my friend's rugby game for one and a half hour in the cold. Did a little homework. Attended YCS because my friend was dancing in it. Talked to G till 3am.

Sunday - Finished leftover food. Clean the house. Did laundry. Finished website designing. Cant be bothered with reading 30 pages of Aristotle's Poetic.

~~~
I dont really know what to blog about except the weather was really nice today. I could go outside with a shirt and shorts - the reason why I did my laundry. Oh well, it is past due anyway. I havent done my laundry for a month - only because during the holidays, I didnt go out so there wasnt much clothes to wash besides home clothes and I wasnt going to waste my money washing half a basket. Plus, it was really cold.

I had an interesting conversation with G on saturday. Basically, I realised there was so much more to him. He was finally able to express all his concerns because he has finally came clean to me. It is nice to know you have gain a close friend.

~~~
I am tired. And I havent started on Aristotle. I really dont want to read it...

Sigh.

Thinking of it makes me doze off...

Fridays and fitness

I am home ALONE on a Friday night.

Just because someone decided that houston was more exciting!

~~~

Work on Monday is cancelled, just because the labs had to be close for their yearly cleaning! Great. Just when I am seriously desperate for money. Like seriously. I am in debt.

~~~

That means I can get to go for YOGA on monday. Oh, did I tell you I signed up for group fitness which cost $30 per semester and you can go for all kinds of fun classes.

Thursday, I went for Plyo-Edge which is for advanced fitness. I actually wanted to go for kickboxing (more like kickboxing training without the bags) but the class was too full, so I went next door instead.

The HOT, FIT, TALL, YOUNG fitness teacher had us running, jumping over obstacles and hoops, and using fitness balls and mats.

I dont mind everything but I HATE JUMPING. You know, I am short and my legs dont jump well and I dont have good body cordination. BUT, he had us jumping like more than half the class time...!!!!

Jump over the obstacle, jump from hoop to hoop, high leg lift over obstacle, jump forward and backwards over obstacle, bunny hops from one end of the room to another(width), high leg lift from one end of the room to another (width)...ugh!!! And we had to do each one twice.

I sort of thought I was in the ARMY for a period of time, because it was so torturous to me!

I dont mind using the fitness ball and mats, because my abs are pretty strong, or at least I have a high torlerance for abs workout, even though my back is weak. But it only lasted like 15 mins!

Then, there was sprinting too...and I hate sprints.

Remember NAFA test? My weakness is in sprints and jumps! The rest I pretty much scored a five so that I can get a gold. My arms were strong because of judo. I bet it is weak now.

I dont think I will ever go back to Plyo-Edge now...too much jumps! Had to suffer in class for ONE HOUR! My muscles are aching now, but it is not that bad, I was expecting worse.

I remembered the first time after judo class, and a few times during the sec days, I had to put ointment all over my body and my room smelled alcoholic-minty. My body ached so hard, I could barely walk down the stairs. I had to walk down step by step, like an old grandma. And every movement, I could feel my muscles aching. No wonder, every time I FORCED myself to go judo training, I can feel this HUGE FEAR weighing down on me...not for the muscles ache, but because I had to face the training...basically fighting and groundwork wrestling with people bigger than me.

Plyo-Edge kinda reminded me of that...doing all the things I feared/not good at.

Oh well, Monday I will go for YOGA. Thanks to my work-day off.

Selling books online

You know what makes me happy?

Selling books online.

Lately, I have been trying to get rid of all my books so that I have an easier time moving out of my apartment when the time comes. I have "tons" of books, especially storybooks that are incredibly hard to sell online because you have to sell it for 0.01 cent, which means you actually make a lost.

But for those books which are actually sellable aka more than a dollar, I have sold them at a low price and people have been buying them. So far, I have sold about 5 books. Let's hope there's more to go...

Makes my heart sing everytime I received a confirmation email saying "SOLD NOW...PLEASE SHIP..."

It doesnt matter that I am earning a few cents or dollars, but the thought of clearing out those books just makes me happy.

Sell books sell!

Besides, I desperately need the cash. Hahaha. Seriously, I am bankrupt until my pay check or my transfer from the saving account comes into my checking account. For now, I will barely scrape past paying my january bills.

pls: FYI, I dont buy padded envelope to put my books in. Instead, I wrapped it up with 2-4 sheets of white paper that I grabbed from the computer lab. Always double layer. That actually helps me to earn a few cents or I would have just suffered a lost, especially for books that I sell super cheap. Think from a dollar to five.

Life as it is

I cannot believe I almost missed my class.

I reached school just in time to see my professor for the last 5-10 minutes.

What happened was I thought my class was from 1030am to 1100am.

Nope. It was from 10am to 1030am.

I was on my way to the bus stop at 1010am before I realized my mistake...

Shucks.

~~~

My life is ... monotonous for the moment.

Lots of I need to start working on my project and start studying japanese and start writing again.

But other than that, my life is ...dull...

Of course, I need to write my resume too and attend workshops, I guess.

I dont think I like the post-graduation life.

On the other hand, one of my friend (not close) is going to boston to take some summer classes in harvard. She is planning to rent an apt so I might just head down to boston after graduation and explore NY on the way too...

I was thinking of going to japan for a summer class, but it is too much trouble with the immigration especially since I am graduating...so there's the problem with the visa and etc.

Boston and NY doesnt sound too bad. I'll see...

:)

X

Want to know something really interesting?

My personal life is a BIG FAT JOKE.

That's right.

I am X - the changable, the variable.

I am a puppet, just discarded.

I am shaking off the strings, and picking myself up.

I am learning to walk again.

I am X.

Who am I?

~~~

I feel as if I have been sucked dry.

As if I have reached the limit.

I feel as if I have been waiting for the longest time,

but the wait is over.

And now, there is nothing else I can do,

but to start over.

The storm has vanished,

and the sea is peaceful once again.

I have been in turbulance,

and it is gone.

I cannot change what I cannot change,

but I can accept and live with it,

and my life will continue another path,

because one window has closed,

so another will open...

and I will live again,

in happiness and hope.

Spektor

Recently, I am feeling rather Regina Spektor.

If you havent heard her music, go listen to it.

It is happy, sad, high and low all at the same time. It is wrenching and soulful and heartful and all the wonderful things poured into it.

The best part is, I liked all of her music and if you go to her website and click on radio, you can hear all her works.

http://www.reginaspektor.com/index2.html

Risk

You know what really scares me...

Getting a good job offer in another state and I turn it down.

Of course, it hasnt happened yet.

I havent even gone for any job interviews.

But if the above happened, I dont know what I should do.

Take it or lose it, I have to risk something either way.

I am torn.

No wonder it depresses me so.

I am weighing the scales and it is a 50%-50% happiness.

I cannot win.

~~~

Sometimes, it is true, I feel that I have suffered for long, even though it has only been months. Hahaha. Hmm, oh wait, that IS long.

Depression.

And just as I am depressed, I bounced up easily. And then I fall again.

Every single day, it is like a cycle. Up down up down up down.

I took an online quiz and it said I suffer from major depression.

I think too much. I analyse myself and others too deeply. Every action, every move I take notice and I run through it in my head, giving it several good AND bad reasons why it is like this or that. I never use to do that, only recently.

This is the greatest advantage and disadvantage of a libra - the weighing scale.

I see the good and bad side and I still cannot figure out the meaning, nor can I decide. I am confounded and stuck.

And just like how I get depress real easily these days (I figure it is because I am overtuning into someone's personality. I am too easily influenced) I am able to bounce up as fast as I fall down.

It is confusing me too much. Everything is a mess. My life is a MESS.

I know it is NOT a big mess. But my inability to make decisions is making it a big mess. Once I make a decision, I seldom waver. But I cant now, because I fear of risking...

I want to be happy. But I dont know which decision to follow that will secure my happiness.

One day, when I am secure and happy in life, I will look back and laugh at all that I have gone through this instant.

I like the feeling of being disinterest. I wish I am disinterested because it makes life so much easier to live in. Disinterested and unattached to anything. Then I can make long-term decisions immediately. Disinterested is better than attachment. Attachment, I can break.

Attachment and Interest is hard to break, while Attachment and Disinterested is so much easier to break. So I want to be in the latter section.

Sometimes, I feel relief, just thinking about breaking the attachment. Relief from all those thousand of thoughts running through my head. I cannot deal with those. They pain me, always. But I dont know if I should break the attachment. I am unsure, uncertain. I want my old life. The life where I had such great dreams and hope and positivity before everything started.

Why am I so nice? Why do I keep all my destress to myself just to accomodate another person? Why do I not lash out and stand on my own? Why am I so afraid of hurting others, that I would sacrifice myself instead? It stinks, doesnt it. STINKS.


Man, all this thinking is making me sad. I was happy before all the thinking started.

Goodbye.

Dont read my blog if you want happy news.

I will try for a happy post a year later.

I wish I am MAD. MAD will be a welcome relief from depression.

I HATE THINKING. STOP BRAIN. STOP.

Ugh

I keep denying it...

MY HOMEWORK, I mean.

Like for example, I have readings, papers, quiz, tests and I just keep denying it.

I want to lead a carefree life.

The truth is, my denial is giving me headaches.

Why do I procastinate so? I suffer much.

~~~

I think leading a single life is the BEST.

Seriously.

Singles have freedom. Power. And best of all, DREAMS.

Because nothing is reality, and everything a possibility, they are able to dream.

I think I just loss my ability to dream.

It is depressing when my dreams are gone.

Sometimes, you wonder, if you had walked so-and-so path, where would you be?

Sometimes you regret never havent taken the path.

Sometimes you regret taking the path.

Sometimes you learn even if the path is destroyed.

Sometimes, I wish, life wasnt so complicated.

Sometimes I wish ...

Ugh. Stop.

Everything

I cant be bothered anymore.
Sometimes I wonder...why do I care?

It is so f***ing annoying/depressing to go through multiple dissapointments, all from the same source.

I think I made another mistake. I am such a fool.

I feel so constricted everytime after coming into contact with the source.

I just want to forget everything. Every single happening. Every single memory. Everything.

Overwhelmed.

You know, sometimes, my parents think I have no friend. Or rather, I do not open up to people, and I tend to keep things to myself.

My mom said once that I have no friends, because I am always at home.

Sometimes, I think she's right. Other times, I just brush aside her comment. Parents dont know me.

Last semester and this semester is pretty taxing on me.

I have a first time for everything that goes wrong.

First time getting an overdraft.

First time getting charged on my credit card for something I didnt buy.

First time juggling school work and troubled relationship.

First time trying to find a job and going for interviews, which I havent done yet.

First time I would have to drive a car, which I havent dont yet.

First time I have to move elsewhere that I have no clue.

First time I have to face so much decisions.

First time is overwhelming.

I feel like breaking down, until I remember my father's calm face, his rational behaviour, his apparent sadness in bad times, his support, his care, his love, and then I remember that my life is not so overwhelming.

Decisions

How can life go from so much happiness to saddness and back over again?

How can my mood changes so quickly...

from helplessless, to secure, to insecurity, to depression, to happiness, to anxiety, to worry, to a sense of blackness...to want to stop...everything...just stop...because my heart is torn.

how can I be confounded with so much decisions that it breaks my heart and makes me depressed, just to decide...

So much decisions....

if only my future is known...

how much less painful it will be...

it breaks my heart so...

just to decide...

and wonder if there is any hope and happiness at the end of the road...

That is what I am aiming for....

hope and happiness at the end of the road, but will my decisions be true or will they turn ugly?


~~~

I was trying to find a happy uplifting song from the sound of music when I came across this song...

You by Jim Brickman and Tara MacLean

I never felt alone, I was happy on my own.
And who would ever know there was something missing?
I guess I didn't see the possibility, it was waiting all the time,
but it never crossed my mind, till you opened up my eyes.

Now all I think about is you, in my life, in my dreams,
in my heart I know it's true that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms, I have everything
and now I can't imagine what I'd do without you.

I never thought love could be such a curiousity.
What attracted you to me was so unexpected,
but it was waiting all of the time and it never
crossed my mind, till you opened up my eyes.

Now I all I think about is you, in my life, in my dreams,
in my heart I know it's true, that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms, I have everything
and now I can't imagine what I'd do without you.

You, in my life, in my dreams, in my heart,
I know it's true that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms,
I have everything and now I can't imagine what i'd do.

Without you, in my life, in my dreams, in my heart
I know it's true, that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms, I have everything
and now I can't imagine what i'd do.
I can't imagine what i'd do.. Without you...

Continuing from last semester

100 pages of my best work.

Great.

This sucks.

How much does it sucks?

Neverending.

Hate school.

Can you hear me?

Hate.

Hate.

Hate.

Gosh, there is so much hatred inside.

And I am starting to feel depressed.

This tighening around my head never stops.

It is there, day and night.

Even in my dreams.

I just need hope.

Hope.

Hope.

Hope.

Need to find some...everyday...

because I am stuck between breaking down and growing strong.

I am in this in-between space, that I want to break down, but I cannot.

I want to find relieve, but it isnt there.

That is what hurts most.

Relieve isnt there.

SCAMERS.

I hate scamers.

Hate scamers.

DO NOT CALL ME.

SCAM.

SCAM.

SCAM.

HATE.

YOU.

WITH.

A.

PASSION.

Over

I hate liers.

HATE LIERS.

and cowards.

HATE.

HATE.

HATE.

If you dont know what you want, let me decide for you.

It is complicated huh.

I know. Been there. Done that.

And it is a relieve when everything is over.

Relieve until you came along...

with your complications as an attention seeker.

You are weak, because you cannot decide.

Those that cannot decide, will lose everything.

As I said, been there, done that.

Over.

Where are you?

His cellphone is dead.

He doesnt go online.

I am not close to his other friends and they seem to be living their own life.

What happens ... when someone disappears without a notice.

ONE day... two, three , four , five ...

What happens ... ?

Each day passes and I am getting increasingly worried and sick to the pit of my stomach.

I have never known someone to be so cut off from the rest of the world, especially when all his friends and family are here.

Where else can he be that he cannot even connect to the internet?

This is so unlike him...

Where are you?

Shocker

A good friend of mine just dumped a great big news on me.

It was a shocker.

But its okay.

I have always treated him as a good friend.

And I am glad he trusted me enough to tell me his BIG news.

~~~

On another note, my phone vibrated...

And I didnt pick it up coz I didnt know.

It's an unknown call...

And its killing me, because I want to know WHO CALLED ME.

It is not a compulsion of mine to pick up every unknow call...but I have been waiting for news on a certain someone.

I have thus changed the sound mode on melody.

Call me back, whoever you are!

Me

I think there is a reason why I dont want any relative, especially sibling, to be connected to me on facebook.

I dont want news of what I have been doing to spread, even if I am doing nothing wrong.

I just hate it when my parents or anyone questions me about etc, etc, etc.

I know it must have hurt them that I never tell them anything, almost like their daughter never exist, but I still dont tell them a thing. I dont like people prying into my life. I dont like people understanding me because I feel trapped in a stereotype, an image. It makes me conform to their image and I find it hard to break out of convention when I need/feel like it.

That's why I hate the phone. I hate it when they call me because I have nothing to say.

And they ask such irritating and irrelevant questions like:

-please eat more meat, what you cook, how do you go to Walmart, have you done your laundry, can you please check out the price of xxx, etc, etc, who did you go out with, what is your friend's name...

I just dislike parent's curiosity and I hate telling them the answers too, because it is so redundant, boring, old news, "stupid" in a sense that those questions are meaningless and frivolous to me.

It makes me wanna just burst when they ask, because HELLO! I have been handling myself for so many years, on my own, so what is the difference between now and then? Just hearing their voices, seeing them makes me want to cringe because my peace disappears.

There is a reason why I like staying in my room, with just my own thoughts to occupy me, because I treasure the thinking, not the talking. I like the silence. It is peaceful, and in touch with my soul. Anything is possible. I can change, I can dream. It is my wonderland.

My parents voices are like the opposite. They bring intrusion into my private space.

My friends are different. They bring me news, updates and nothing more. I dont mind them calling because it gets me out into the world and keep me from boredom.

I am an extremely private person and extremely vague at times. Everything I write are my thoughts and not actions.

I hate publicising - the reason why my blog is so boring, so void of pictures.

To be fair, I keep to myself whenever I can and so far, I havent regretted it.

About the facebook and letting relatives connect to me, I think I will eventually fall victim to it.

I just hate disappointing the young ones, especially when they look up to you. Makes me feel sick.

Edit: Relatives on facebook? No way.

Highs and Lows

My feelings are going through a really tough time.

It practically changes every 5 - 30 mins.

Here goes a list of emotions I have been through.

Happiness
Depressed
Anxiety
Worry
Emotionless

Most of the time, it lands on anxiety/worry/depressed.

Sometimes, it swings up to happiness, emotionless, but it doesnt last long.

I am wondering what all these highs and lows are going to do with my health.

Insanity

I really think I am bordering on insanity.

Or maybe, Im WAY off into the deep end.

I need to widen my interest. I need to focus somewhere...think something...before I go crazy.

Really, I hate it when Im in this situation.

Hate it.

Hate it.

Hate it.

Weird dreams

I have the weirdest dreams...

One of which I remember involved my msian neighbor.

Every holiday, when I was back in msia, I used to peep out the balcony window or my parent's window when I hear the sound of neighbor's gate opening so that I can see their faces, or rather, my same-age-opposite-sex neighbor-who-used-to-be-my-schoolmate-and-playmate.

Of course, it was tough spotting him. Sometimes, it was his mom/dad/younger brother.

Anyway, it was fun for me just to spot him because I was curious about how he grew up to be. We share a similar pathway, but never intersecting.

Till now, sometimes, I dream of him. He represents my past, my childhood, my first few years in msia. We haven't seen each other for years. We might as well be strangers. Occasionally, I wonder what it will be like, if we bumped into each other. I doubt he ever thought of me. The reason I guess I still think about him is because our moms interact once in a blue moon. Or maybe she got the news from the tuition teacher which my younger sister and his younger brother share.

I dont really know but he just started studying in U.S. Strange huh. For a guy, who is super smart and talented, he kinda stopped JC, went to a msia college, now on to U.S.

And to think I used to wonder what happens if he enrolled in the same university as I was in. Not that far-fetched, because he is now in a U.S. university.

I kind of miss him, really. I wonder how he's like now. The memories in my head are him from 11 to 15. We grew distant after that. You know, puberty and stuff. Haha.

Ten years is a long time, and we are still neighbors. I really wonder what's going on in his life, because I hope to meet him one day. I still wear a rose-colored glasses when I think of him. He never grew up, and I still see him standing there in my mind, with a white colored school uniform, spectacles, pale smooth skin, deep dark eyes, and a fringe that falls across the eyes.

Will

You know, if I convinced myself, maybe it will become true.

That's what I've been betting on for the entire two months.

I'm counting on my will to get me through.

It is not so bad, just tough.

What a joke.

It is destructive.

The current is fierce.

But I'm holding on to my WILL.

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS BLACK CLOUD.

Eventually.