Worries and friend(s)

I am a little worried about everything.

The U.S. economy. My friend. My family. My job. Life in general.

But basically, the economy, friend and family.

And I am also glad for great friends that are always there.

Cheers to friends I can always depend on.

One call and they are there. Mr. Pippin.

I have to say, he cycled back to school after I called him even though he was really sleepy from last night's concert. And all coz I was bored at school and waiting for jen to get off class.

Aww.

And oh, I ate 4 cupcakes today, one bar of chocolate, one small snickers and lots of nacho cheese chips. No wonder I feel weird and gross out.

Argh. I had to eat honeydew for supper coz my tummy felt extremely ... bad?

Bday surprise!

So I thought MY day was done, even if it was just afternoon.

I got off from lunch shift, came home to find it rather empty with my cousin gone and my roommate disappearing occassionally.

I got online. Fell asleep. And woke up to find the house dark. I went to the kitchen, ate two pieces of garlic bread for dinner and saw my roommate untying strings from a basket.

I went back to my room, put together my photography portfolio and filled out some paperwork. Talk to the Mr. Waterboy, aka boy-who-used-to-be-my-friend, and then roommate came in with my big baby. !

They talked to me for a while and then big baby had a phone call. She told me that my cousin had come home with food from work. I wasnt hungry. They didnt care. They lead me straight to the kitchen and tata, surprise!

About fifteen to twenty people with lots and lots of cupcakes! Yummy. They sang the birthday song. There was no cake to cut, so no wishes made. But all in all, it was good food! Hehehe.

I love my roommate(s) and cousin.

Missing people

I am concern. Worried.

A friend asked if I have heard from Mr. B.G. I said yes, last week.

Well, how about this week, he asked.

No, I replied.

I havent been able to contact him, he said.

Since we were at a club, I mentioned that I will contact him as soon as possible.

Today, I tried calling him, and it went straight to the voicemail.

I am concern. Worried.

WHERE ARE YOU!?

9/28

The sun is back into its original position.

I have reached another significant day in life. Lived another year.

I had a extremely small dinner party with my roommate and friends. Cake and a bottle of wine. Nothing special. In fact, if it wasnt for the cake, it would just have been another dinner party. Everything was very....tame. They came, they go.

But still, I am glad. For I have good friends in life.

I love them all.

xoxo.

Also, a friend surprised me, by texting right on the minute itself. It was very sweet, especially since we were study partners but we dont hang out together. Hahaha.

9/26

I got a job, sort of. Internship.

Yay.

I emailed them and asked if there was an opening available. Since it was a half-time student position, they didnt really interview me but asked if this was what I am interested in. That's it. I got the job with student pay. Not much but it didnt matter. I can stay.

~~~

I met up with Mr. Pippin and his roommate. We hang out. Went to the library, the candy store, the gelato store and himalayas. We were at himalayas for a very long time and S.R. walked in, to eat. I think he suggested to eat at the other side of the room when he saw me. It was awkward.

Later at Panam, I saw B.K. I think he saw me too. I was trying hard to avoid being in his sight. But later, I saw him standing not far behind where I was. I immediately tried to hide behind my other friends. Luckily, for some reason, one of my friend was thirsty so we all left to get a glass of water. That was also when Ms. R.N. decided to go on the stage and I saw B.K. heading to where she was. I seriously hope he just wanted to R. N. and not me. Afterall, he did remove me.

Horse Riding

I went horse riding on wednesday and it was awesome!

My horse was called "Honey" and at first it was pretty obedient. It followed Mr. Ha on "Gus" for like less than five minutes before Gus decided that it would take a off-beaten path and went off trail. Honey followed. For the rest of the day, this is what happened.

1) I saw a bunch of other wild horses that looked terribly thin.
2) Gus trotted into a tiny clearing where there were other horses eating grass. Female horses, I presume.
3) Honey stood still for more than 20 minutes and wouldnt listen to my signals until Mr. Ha had to whip her butt a few times coz my whip was too short.
4) I saw a dead body hanging for preparation of Halloween.
5) My horses is the most stubborn horse ever. I had to get on the ground twice coz she refused to move and also refuse to follow me when I tugged her string.
5) The wringler said I have to be tough with them and show them who's the boss or they will do whatever they want. Thanks for that advice at the end of the ride.
6) My butt hurt the next day. But it wasnt that bad.
7) I want to go horse riding again!

I love me.

I am self-indulgent. Here is the answer to all my bad qualities.

I like to fulfill whatever I feel like at the moment and discare the needs of others. Another reason why I am bad at multi-tasking.

But you know what they say, love yourself first before you love others.

Hahahaha.

How ironic.

Sunday/Monday Recap

R.E. - Recap of Sunday's work - night shift.

It started out relatively, slow. Boring. (Worse than lunch, beside the fact that N.K., Tien, G, and someone came. ) Anyway, the school was having a mooncake festival and I was stuck at night with Jen. There were so few customers that the lady boss told us that one could leave at 8p.m. I told Jen to leave because she had her own Korean thanksgiving. Come 8 p.m., a couple of friends dropped by to eat, like they said they would. Twenty minutes later, another bunch of msians came in and were stunt to see me working. Yup, yup. Hey, guys, its me. Wow, is this a msian gathering right here? And it was pretty funny so see a whole bunch of msians eating at the same place, when it was unplanned. Just when I thought my day was done, a family came in, with sooo many kids talking and running around. Five kids. I seriously thought there were more than that, with the amount of noise and legs running around.

And so that was how my day started. Boring to super big tables busy. And all the msians knowing where I work now.

~~~
Monday work. The lady boss kept calling me my cousin's name. I mean, what's the deal? And a customer asked for wasabi sauce. HUH!?

~~~

I want to do MLIS. Yes? Yes?

~~~

I turned in application and bought tickets to Anatomy of Gray.

~~~

And oh, facebook is not working for me. I think this is the best thing that ever happened. I wanted to deactivate it ever since N.K. but I always use it to message my friends, and I get on it whenever I needed a break, which is every five minutes. Well, luckily, I managed to turn on the setting for message and wall-to-wall so I receive alerts. Immediately, the next day, facebook wouldnt load my homepage. Hahahaha. I likey!

I want.

I want to walk away and just be me again.

Just be myself. Be free.

I want to live my dreams.

I want to be fully drenched in life.

I want to stand up strong.

I want to say, I dont need anyone to answer to my whims.

I want to be there for people.

I want to be better.

Cold turkey

This cold turkey from snacking is very hard to get used to.

I am constantly thinking about food. Maybe going cold turkey is not a good idea.

Also, going cold turkey on MSN and facebook is a little tough. But I swear, I will go cold turkey on MSN for the entire week, till next friday. If I could, I will deactivate facebook, but I have so many contacts there that use it to contact me. So I have to just stay away from it from now.

I seriously wish I have a real job now. Bah.

Reminds me, I have to study GRE and apply for Masters.

Wallflower

Hey,

I have decided to become the perfect wallflower, and lose the hunter.

xoxo,
beautiful stranger

Blackbird on a Friday Night

It is a Friday night and I'm at home. One roommate is sick, the other is tired from work and is asleep. Strangely enough, I love the peace and quietness of the night.

The same evening, when I was on my way home, I was worried. It is friday night, damn it. I shouldnt have to be alone at home with nothing to do and no friends to hang out with. A couple of my friends were watching a movie in the Union and snacking on free food at 9:30p.m. But I had resolved to cut down on my snacking especially after my pants became tighter. Plus, I had seen the movie.

I called another friend, Mr. Ha, but he already had plans. I told myself, this is going to be so boring. But somehow, when I was walking to the door, ideas began popping into my mind. I could watch all those movies my cousin borrowed, search for more jobs, eat my leftover food, take a nap, drink tea, search for more anime shows, and basically, have my own alone time to do whatever I wanted.

Well, it turned out pretty well. I watched Prime and the song they played on the menu screen...was "Blackbird." I have to admit, it reminded me of good memories that cannot last forever.

S.R. and insomia

I feel touched, especially since we didnt get along too well. Yet, he got over his disappointments and bitterness I suppose. I mean, to learn that my image wasnt marred to him was a hugh wonder. He is a great person, just totally different from me. Thank you for the compliment, S.R.

~~~

Sometimes, I wonder if I am too naive and stupid. Too accepting. I don't really see anyone's fault...not until someone points it out to me and say, "Hey, I dont like that attitude!" And then, suddenly, I comprehen and it sinks into my mind that that is wrong.

I am like a little girl who accepts everything that comes in her way and if they say it is my fault, I will agree with them and say, "Im sorry."The worse part is, part of me really thinks I am at fault. I dont fight back. I am a big pushover. I please people and stay away from anger and disagreements. Now that I think of it, my only savior is I am lazy, so if anyone tries to use me, I will feel annoyed and irritated. Hahahaha. Plus, I hate socializing with strangers who I know I will only disappear after one minute. It is a different case if my friends asked for help.

I think I know what is wrong with me. I find it hard to comprehen anything. My mind seems to always float in the clouds. People tell me stuff and I need to them to repeat before it sinks in and ground me into reality. Im serious. I dont get stuff the first time, especially when it is new information or knowledge. I hate watching movies coz I dont think I know what is happening. I forget very easily what happened one second ago... and then, I get confused. Books, at least I can read the line again and if it boring and tough, I will be staring at the same page for minutes coz my mind is elsewhere and it wouldnt comprehen anything. No wonder I hate analzying.

~~~

I have to add that I went to passion berry today and the yogert was sooo good. Not the yogert drinks. Too sweet.

~~~

My legs are tired. I have been standing for so long, and going to the gym too. Twice in a row. And I play DDR today. I know I have gained all my weight that I lost over two semesters (eight months) in three months. That is why I feel so bad, I decided to hit the gym and quickly build up my stamina to where it was before so that I can lose weight. And hopefully, I will lose pounds in two weeks! Oh, I have to cut down on my snacks too, I guess.

~~~

Oh, I was talking to my brother today. I havent talked to him in a long time. Think months. Maybe nine? I dont know. Well, he told me he's in love so he's getting fat. Whatever! I know it is true. You know, you get lazy and everything, but what! He is fat! Grrr. Can boys please shape up even if someone wants them! Grrrr. My brother used to be soo skinny until he started taking those muscle gaining suppliments and then, my theory is he drank too much, too little exercise, and became fat. Muahahahaha. Stupid brother. Or he wont be as fat now. Muahahahahaha.

~~~

Now that my emotional life is calm and back-to-normal, I realized I dont need to be involved in any relationship. I am fine. More decisions and choices and no pain involved. It is easy to be involve, hard to leave and then, the cycle of the dating life would start. You know how some people need someone by their side, or some who always seem to be dating? Well, I dont want to be in their shoes. I dont want ... to want someone's attention just because I feel lonely or rejected. It would be considered playing (unless they are my good friends), and I dont want to toy with people because in the end, our friendship is affected. Besides, I feel extremely guilty coz I use them w/o them knowing. I stay away now, unless I meet some cute guys, then what can I say? Hahahaha. JK.

~~~

I should be sleeping, but Im not. There are so many random strings of thought running through my mind, like how much I love drinking tea and jobs, school, friends, work, melilea, etc. Argh. Come let me fall asleep and this post wont be so long.

Feeling dizzy.

I feel dizzy. Lightheaded. Weird. Guilty. About jobs and graduate school.

I dont like this feeling at all.

I think my biggest fear is going back, because then, I will never be free again. It is like returning to a cage and having myself shut in.

Yet, the future is murky.

I tread in dark waters.
I walk among strangers.
I live in silence.

~~~

On the other hand, I love my friends. I love them all. Truly. Deeply. Forever.

Hate

If there was one thing I HATE about someone. It is them, lying. LYING. Through their teeth. In front of me. I DETEST those people, especially when I care about them. If they want to break the trust, break it clean, but dont pretend you care and then disappear.

I HATE YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT. HATE.

And the only reason I am able to feel that much is because I actually cared enough.

I dont like people breaking the trust. They break it once. Twice. Thrice. They are gone.

You know what my style is? I will be nice to you, dont worry. I cant help it, but I wont trust you again. At least it will never be the same.

You broke it. You broke it. It is all I can think about now. You broke it. You broke it.

And.

I hate you.

Im sorry. Truly sorry for hating you.

If I am going to cry, just let it be happy tears okay?

Lucky Star

I worked and I made so many mistakes, it is hard to keep up.

I cut my finger with a knife while cutting lemons.

I charged an extra dollar on someone's credit card. I gave him my one dollar I found in my apron that morning. Damn it, but I wanted that dollar!

I spilled a bottle of soya sauce when moving the table to vaccum the carpet. The sauce splashed onto the white wall and dripped into the carpet.

I gave someone a large bowl of Hot and Sour Soup instead of medium, because I thought the bowls were the same size.

From today, tips were reduced to 50 percent of the total instead of 70 percent.

I picked up the habit of killing flies.

There was no milk for thai tea after I finished preparing it for the customer. In the end, I drank it myself. Heck the milk.

I had to work dinner shift because someone was a no show. At least I got a huge tupperware of cashew chicken to take home, but my roommate + friends + me finished everything. You would have thought that they would be full after a buffet meal, but alas, there goes my next day lunch/dinner. Also, the chef decided not to put cashew coz it was expensive. I swear he is kind and everything but what the !!!

~~~

Some interesting facts of my working life.

The first few days, I dont know how to spell "sauce" and "cashew". I wrote "source" and "chashew". Seriously, "cashew" was the worst and I always had to look at the menu to spell it.

I cant count money. I hate coins especially coz they have quarters (25 c), pennies, five cents, one cent. For example, $20 - $ 18.37 = ???? Hello!!! I dont understand!!!

Also, in the case of tips: 70 % of $65 = ???? I thought 6 X 7 = 49. So my tips ended up being 53. I went back home feeling a little weird. Right before I took a nap, I felt compiled to use a calculator. I decided to do the honest thing and give back $7 to the manager the next day.

I hate phone calls, to go, and delivery. You want to eat, you sit down and eat properly and leave me good tips. I want business in my pocket.

I snack all the time on those crispy noodles that are served to all customers. They taste like fried crackers and mm, yummy! Oh, and I used to call them crackers until I learned the correct term. Personally, crackers sounds much nicer that crispy noodles.

It is no wonder I dont lose weight even though I stand and walk around for hours. Damn it. I am the only waitress who gains weight coz I snack and I always eat my lunch or dinner. I can never give up the offer when the chef asks me what I want to eat after my shift is over.

The chef speaks only cantonese or chinese. Frankly, I try to keep out of the kitchen because I get flustered whenever he calls my name to ask me a question.

I dont like speaking to customers. I do my job, get you food and that's it. Small talk is very clumsy for me.

I want my 70% tips back!!!! And I feel hungry again. Grr. I feel hungry all the time.

Mr. Ha

I love talking to old friends.

For hours.

He was gone for almost an entire summer. He was involved in a car crash and he recently contacted me. I was estastic beyond belief.

We talked for hours.

Amazing.