CO

Did I forget to mention, oh, I was in Colorado for spring break.

Yup, those were some of the pictures without me or my friends, as usual. Hahaha.

And yea, I went skiing! Go wheeeee down the green slopes (which are the easiest).

~~~

I really dont want school to start.

I wish I could just stay in my room forever.

I like it. No one's at home.

So peaceful, quiet, calm.

Refresh

I think I have withdrawal symptoms.

But it is gone. Finally. I have gotten over all the bad stuff in my life. I am no longer affected by it.

Life is good,

For now.

Holidays have made things easier to bear.

I have found my dreams.

I have refreshed my soul.

I never want to be affected by a person ever again.

I never want my feelings to be dependent on a person's whim.

I never want to be depressed.

I am changing. I will change.

That's why life is good, for now.

I have good friends, who care.

I realized I am different. I am myself.

I must never envy someone else because I am I.

I will be what I want.

I have a will, a spirit, a body, a life of my own.

And I will be me.

It is time for the winds of change.

It blows softly...

I can feel it...

...so gently it lifts my hair.

Slap me, please

Someone please slap me into reality.

Reality is good.

I am free, single and avaliable.

So someone, please slap me again.

And tell me aloud that I am free, single and avaliable.

Gosh, it is taking so long to sink into my brain.

FREE.

SINGLE.

AVALIABLE.

READY TO MINGLE.

Aura, Karma, who knows?

I always had a sense of luck.

If Im feeling negetive, everything bad happened.


If Im feeling positive, everything goes right.

Have you ever been in that situation?


Well, apparently, I was feeling rather down for the last few days. Think depression, but not as bad.


I must have an overwhelming aura of negativity buzzing around me because the next thing I knew, I was in a car accident.


It was almost as if I brought it to myself. Sometimes, I think I did.


I was feeling sorry for myself on sunday and monday because of my fever and I wanted to skip classes so badly that, ok, here you go... Let's get her involved in a car accident.


It was monday night, around 9pm to 910pm. I was on campus. My cousin's car was in a parallel parking on the side of the road. It was dark. I walked over to the passenger's seat without noticing traffic from the other direction. I was feverish and I just wanted to go home. I had my back facing the road and was ready to open the door when suddenly, an SUV/Jeep zoomed past closely and something hard hit my upper back. I fell down at the impact on my butt. My cousin was horrified. I quickly stumbled to the sidewalk, bent over in a squatting position. My small section of my lips were bruised, as well as my butt. My back, of course, hurt the most. I didnt cry. I was more in shock at the situation. The SUV/Jeep had left. My cousin and I didnt take note of the license plate or anything because it was going too fast. According to my cousin, bits of pieces fell of the car. It was a large chunk. Probably the size of a mirror, I suspect since only my upper back got hit, as well as my left shoulder.


My cousin quickly took me to the hospital. I could walk, and move my right hand, but I could not move my left shoulder or my back. I had to walk straight everytime, like a robot. But when I move either arms, my back would hurt again, because of the connecting muscles. So here I was, in the hospital emergency section awaiting my turn for the doctors to look at me. Apparently, they must have thought it was not serious since I wasnt crying and I was walking too. It took 2 hours plus before everything was done, including an X-ray of my back and chest.


The doctors just gave my painkillers and asked me to get it at Walgreens.


Later, the police arrived at my house to get a statement. It was rather late when I finally got to sleep, around 2 am.

So here is my story, lots of bruises. I slept on my right side the entire night and I think my right butt is going to bruise too. Argh.

~~~

I really want to go for japanese class tomorrow, but I dont know. Argh. Thinking about a certain someone makes me depressed and scared because I know all he's going to do is leave and not care. It makes me sad, knowing that the person I care the most doesnt care for me. I know. Life is a bed of roses. I chose the wrong one and now, life is a bitch. No worries. All I need to do is find someone else. Someone better. I know I can do it. I am just waiting for someone.

Sick

I feel sick.

Scratch that.

I am sick.

I am down with the flu, headache, aching bones, a chill.

I am feeling feverish.

It started yesterday morning but I thought I was better today.

Opps, guess not.

I just want to go home and sleep.

Too bad I am stuck in school for the next five hours.

Can someone please save me?

At least I can pity myself.

Poor me.

What a horrible life I lead.

Hahaha.

Heaven

What happened to your heart?

It's gone.

Where did it go?

Heaven.

Why?

Because it died.

I was right.

I was right.

About everything.

I was right.

I figured it all out.

And I analyzed,

Every action,

Every emotion,

My suspicions are corrects.

Everything.

That is why we are on tender ground.

Because now, I dont know what to do too.

I am free.

~~~

You see, he will allow you to do what ever you want.
And it is true. He will go his own way.
He is giving you freedom.
I just dont know what to do with it.

Just drifting, again.

I am silent.

I am just going to ride the waves and let it take me where it will.

And hopefully, I dont sink too deep until I reach the ocean bed.

And if you see me missing,

dont bother.

I am not worth it.

No one cares anyway.

~~~

pls: I am just being dramatic. I am fine. I fall into ditches every now and then.
pls2: I want to be cold. Unfeeling. Insensitive. Carefree.
pls3: I want to be hot, red , emotions, love.
pls4: I want both, but I cannot deal with it, so I dream and hope only the best comes through.

Stupidity

I can finally bear to risk it.

Risk pouring my heart out,

risk everything that I once hold dear,

because I have given up,

and it doesnt matter anymore.

~~~

So this is what it feels like...

to have nothing again.

~~~

I have run out of tears.

I have exhausted my supply of emotions.

~~~

I just want to say,

"Ha, sucker!"

I am just giving ourselves another chance,

to be sure,

that it is over.

I am stupid.

Yeah, sucker.

Reality

Even now, you present me with only one choice.

To leave.

Maybe it is for the best.

If I had any doubts, they are cleared.

If you are only willing to put in one percent, that doesnt give me much hope.

You have been too careless, too carefree.

You take me for granted.

You never understood where I was coming from.

You show concern once in a blue moon.

You go less than a distance.

It is true.

You stop where others will continue.

Everything is for your convienent's sake.

You leave me achorless.

You were never there.

Maybe we built walls too high with each other.

Maybe some of it was partially my fault.

Maybe it is because you do not ask much from me either.

But I cannot deal with you any longer.

I cannot waste my time and energy.

So I thank you, for letting me go easy.

And now, all I can do is breathe.

Love

I should be grateful that...

...my parents still love me, and support me in what I do, even when I am always sully around them.

...my friends stand by me when I need them.

...my life is wonderfully good thus far.

Today, I ...

...made a new friend who took me out for starbucks coffee and dinner at cracker barrel.

...am slowly becoming immune to disappointments and rejections.

...have to buck up on my homework and assignments, like seriously!

...learned that life is not set. I can change it for the better. There are always choices. I can make myself happy. My life is up to me. And I have freedom.

...ate out... my third dinner in a row (dong-a, applebees, cracker barrel) This is amazing! Fattening, but wow, it seldom happens to me, especially when I have people paying for me. ^^


I am so in love...with life. It is beautiful. It is precious. And I am thankful that my parents gave all this to me.

Giving

The more I give,
the more people expect.
And when I pull back,
they get worried.

I think it is good, not to care so much.
Not so care so deeply.
And trust that they are happy.
Because knowing they are happy,
makes me happy too,
and less worried.
So I can get on with my life.

Eat

I think it is a good sign that I am getting back my appetite.

I could finally eat, and eat, and eat happily.

I havent felt that way for a few months.

Or maybe it is because of all the kickboxing workout.

I should go to the gym more often.

Hahahahaha.

Dreams

I had a dream.

And it scared me to pieces.

I dreamt that I was back in malaysia and I was going to go off to my friend's (SY) house in spore, to go on a trip with her dad.

Her dad was going to send someone to pick up me. When he called to say he had sent someone, I said, ok, I will start packing right now. We spoke in chinese. Me in broken chinese. And he seemed displeased because my chinese was so horrible and because I havent started packing. He hung up on me.

And soon, the person came twenty minutes later and I had finished packing. In fact, I just started. I was late. Plus, I had not eaten dinner. We were supposed to go to brazil. And my mom and sister just came back home and they were using the bathroom or disrupting my packing... And I was still packing in a frenzy when I woke up.

Late = one of my greatest nightmare.

Can you imagine the whole dream happened in one and a half hours. So long for such a short description.

I dreamed of something else too.

I dream of chinese shops. Herbal shops.

I thought of busy MRT systems, and a far-away university in england, surrounding by trees high up in a mountain.

~~~

Maybe it all means I need to start studying. Japanese exam is tomorrow and I havent started on anything yet.

I am scared of something. Something strange.

Maybe it is all the school stuff that I need to do, but havent done that is getting into me.

I cannot figure out what I am afraid of. This lingering fear.

~~~

I need a long hot bath to clear my head.

Alone

I fear for myself.

I fear for my future.

I fear for what will happen if I choose you,

because even when Im with you, Im alone.

~~~

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Fool.

To people who couldnt care less:

I am fool.

A BIG FAT FOOL.

I hate me.

Not you, because you have done nothing.

I cannot hate you, when there is only myself to blame.

It is easier to put the blame on myself, because I know myself.

And the only thing I have done wrong was loving you.

Kickboxing

Today, I went for kickboxing class. The first thing the instructor said was, we are going to do advance level now. I am like,"what!" This is only my first time. Instructor asked if there was any newbies, but I didnt raise up my hand though I doubt I was the only one.



It was all good for fifteen minutes, then my legs start to shake and tremble. And I start to worry, because there was still a good forty-five minutes left.



Seeing myself in the room paneled with tall wide mirrors on both sides, I wonder, is that really me?



I scare myself sometimes, because I have lost so much weight since the last semester. I look so fragile, thin, weak. Not exactly what I was looking for. I had a goal, and I surpassed that goal. Aka, I lost more weight than I thought I could possible in my entire life. My weight in now in the range of what I call "I can never be as thin as those girls because it is impossible, my thighs are too fat." Yup, I was recently inducted into their society, and my thighs still look fat.



I dare not look directly at the mirror because my actions looked all awkward, silly, and childish. Instead, I stood behind some ang mo girl, and she was big enough to hide me.



The kickboxing class great. It wasnt as tough as Plyo-edge. I didnt have to jump every second. This is more kicking, and kick I can do.



By the time I went back home and ate dinner, my body was feeling the aftermath of the exercise. I was tired and sleepy. I slept after eating one big bowl of noodles.

Songs

Got it from http://acardia.sg/?p=320#more-320

翻著我們的照片 想念若隱若現
fan zhe wo men de zhao pian / xiang nian ruo yin ruo xian
Flipping through our photographs, thoughts of [you] are visible yet invisible

去年的冬天 我們笑得很甜
qu nian de dong tian / wo men xiao de hen tian
Last year’s winter, we laughed very sweetly

看著妳哭泣的臉, 對著我說再見
kan zhe ni ku qi de lian / dui zhe wo shuo zai jian
Watching your tearstained face, telling me goodbye

來不及聽見　妳已走得很遠
lai bu ji ting jian / ni yi zou de hen yuan
[I] have yet to hear it when you’ve already walked so far

也許妳已經放棄我　也許已經很難回頭
ye xu ni yi jing fang qi wo / ye su yi jing hen nan hui tou
Perhaps you have already given up on me, perhaps it is already very difficult to turn back

我知道是自己錯過　請再給我一個理由說妳不愛我
wo zhi dao shi zi ji cuo guo / qing zai gei wo yi ge li you shuo ni bu ai wo
I know it’s all my fault, please give me another reason, say you don’t love me

就算是我不懂　能不能原諒我
jiu suan shi wo bu dong / neng bu neng yuan liang wo
Even if I don’t understand, can [you] forgive me?

請不要把分手當作妳的請求
qing bu yao ba fen shou dang zuo ni de qing qiu
Please don’t use parting (breakup) as your request

我知道堅持要走 是妳受傷的藉口
wo zhi dao jian chi yao zou / shi ni shou shang de jie kou
I know wanting to go is your wound’s excuse

請妳回頭　我會陪妳一直走到最後
qing ni hui tou / wo hui pei ni yi zhi zou dao zui hou
[Can] you please turn back, I will accompany you until the very end

就算沒有結果　我也能夠承受
jiu suan mei you jie guo / wo ye neng go cheng shou
Even if there is no conclusion, I can still endure

我知道妳的痛　是我給的承諾
wo zhi dao ni de tong / shi wo gei de cheng nuo
I know your pain is the promise I gave

妳說給過我縱容　沉默是因為包容
ni shuo gei guo wo zong rong / chen mo shi yin wei bao rong
You said [you] gave me tolerance, and silence was because of acceptance

如果要走　請妳記得我　如果難過　請妳忘了我
ru guo yao zou / qing ni ji de wo / ru guo nan guo / qing ni wang le wo
If [you] want to go, please remember me, if [you] feel sad, please forget me

~~~

These few days, I was feeling more ... "evanescence - immortals".

~~~

Bad Influence

I think I am under a very bad influence.

Very bad.

Everytime I am around him, I feel depressed. I feel unmotivated. I feel tired. I feel sleepy. I feel lazy. I feel alone. I feel abandoned. I feel like the world stopped.

Everytime I walk out of his shadow, I feel depressed, but only for a while. Then, I am back to my usual cheerpy self. Everytime I see someone happy, I feel happy. It takes away my black mood and restores me to my usual self. I am back on my own path, own dreams, own hopes. The world is no longer against me. It is with me, it is for me, it is mine to conquer.

I used to be the cheerpy one, until I met him, and then it was all downfall. Down through the drains, down through the pipes, down into the sewage, down out to the sea...

I think I influenced him with my happiness. He took it all away, sucked me dry, and left me shriveled and wrinkled.

I used to love my world, and everything in it. I loved it so much. I didnt feel bothered by it. I was living in my dream world.

I know I can get it back - my dream world. I know I can achieve it. I can do it....

It is up to me...to get my life back in order. It is up to me to make myself happy again.

It is my life I am risking. It is my life I am putting on the line.

I have to do focus. I have a plan.

There is only one thing to do.

1) Love myself.

Random strangers

You know what I miss most?

My previous life.

Or rather, my childhood.

All my hopes nestled safely inside me.

And then the real world came,

With all its ugliness.

It threw me into a tornado of destruction,

and revealed pandora's box,

everything stings,

and it leaves my wounds wide open.

And now, salt is applied,

and the sores grows nasty,

but the bandages I bought,

only gave me short relief.

It is like a cycle,

that I sucked into.

My feelings falling into disrepair,

into a deepest chasm,

and the rope is short,

the light is dim,

the ground is cold,

and the tears now falling.

silently, they roll down my cheeks,

and I weeped,

for all those wrong choices I made,

for all those dreams to date,

for all those people I love,

for all those hurt they brought,

I weeped silently,

only my sleeves know,

they bear the mark of sadness,

of greatness destroyed,

of love fleetingly gone,

and hope ...

where did you go?

Pondering

I am waiting...for money to fall from the sky.

I wrote my resume today. It was not that difficult after all. Can you imagine putting it off for a year!

Well, I finally did it. Hurray!

Still, I need to buy a suit and some working clothes and pick up some tips... oh well, the work never ends until I find a job.

There is something bugging me all day today.

I dont know why but it is at the back of my mind, like ... I need to do something but I dont know what it is.

Maybe it is due to the fact that I need to finish my novel, but I havent started and class is tomorrow. Hmph.

Or maybe I need to start designing my website, but I got no clue what to put in. Hmph.

Or maybe it is because I need to file in my graduation by friday and it is not done yet. Hmph.

~~~

Update on my yoga class... The muscles at the back of my thighs are really stretched. I can feel it whenever I walk. Or do you call that a muscle tear? Or a muscle pull? It is not exactly an ache, more a stretch. I am planning to go again on friday. Hehehe.

And I found out that I lost one kg! Hahaha. Hmm. I just wish I could lose more weight in my thigh/butt/tummy area and keep the rest reasonable.

I recently found out that healthy BMI in singapore for girls is 25! In America, it is 30. Shocking news. That means ALL the time I thought my weight was satisfactory in America, it is like ... more towards to fat side in spore. Sigh. Just when I thought I was healthy enough, I have to work a little more extra hard.

Shuumatsu

Friday - Hung out with NK for half a day. Miscommunication. Home alone.

Saturday - Worked in the morning. I went to watch my friend's rugby game for one and a half hour in the cold. Did a little homework. Attended YCS because my friend was dancing in it. Talked to G till 3am.

Sunday - Finished leftover food. Clean the house. Did laundry. Finished website designing. Cant be bothered with reading 30 pages of Aristotle's Poetic.

~~~
I dont really know what to blog about except the weather was really nice today. I could go outside with a shirt and shorts - the reason why I did my laundry. Oh well, it is past due anyway. I havent done my laundry for a month - only because during the holidays, I didnt go out so there wasnt much clothes to wash besides home clothes and I wasnt going to waste my money washing half a basket. Plus, it was really cold.

I had an interesting conversation with G on saturday. Basically, I realised there was so much more to him. He was finally able to express all his concerns because he has finally came clean to me. It is nice to know you have gain a close friend.

~~~
I am tired. And I havent started on Aristotle. I really dont want to read it...

Sigh.

Thinking of it makes me doze off...

Fridays and fitness

I am home ALONE on a Friday night.

Just because someone decided that houston was more exciting!

~~~

Work on Monday is cancelled, just because the labs had to be close for their yearly cleaning! Great. Just when I am seriously desperate for money. Like seriously. I am in debt.

~~~

That means I can get to go for YOGA on monday. Oh, did I tell you I signed up for group fitness which cost $30 per semester and you can go for all kinds of fun classes.

Thursday, I went for Plyo-Edge which is for advanced fitness. I actually wanted to go for kickboxing (more like kickboxing training without the bags) but the class was too full, so I went next door instead.

The HOT, FIT, TALL, YOUNG fitness teacher had us running, jumping over obstacles and hoops, and using fitness balls and mats.

I dont mind everything but I HATE JUMPING. You know, I am short and my legs dont jump well and I dont have good body cordination. BUT, he had us jumping like more than half the class time...!!!!

Jump over the obstacle, jump from hoop to hoop, high leg lift over obstacle, jump forward and backwards over obstacle, bunny hops from one end of the room to another(width), high leg lift from one end of the room to another (width)...ugh!!! And we had to do each one twice.

I sort of thought I was in the ARMY for a period of time, because it was so torturous to me!

I dont mind using the fitness ball and mats, because my abs are pretty strong, or at least I have a high torlerance for abs workout, even though my back is weak. But it only lasted like 15 mins!

Then, there was sprinting too...and I hate sprints.

Remember NAFA test? My weakness is in sprints and jumps! The rest I pretty much scored a five so that I can get a gold. My arms were strong because of judo. I bet it is weak now.

I dont think I will ever go back to Plyo-Edge now...too much jumps! Had to suffer in class for ONE HOUR! My muscles are aching now, but it is not that bad, I was expecting worse.

I remembered the first time after judo class, and a few times during the sec days, I had to put ointment all over my body and my room smelled alcoholic-minty. My body ached so hard, I could barely walk down the stairs. I had to walk down step by step, like an old grandma. And every movement, I could feel my muscles aching. No wonder, every time I FORCED myself to go judo training, I can feel this HUGE FEAR weighing down on me...not for the muscles ache, but because I had to face the training...basically fighting and groundwork wrestling with people bigger than me.

Plyo-Edge kinda reminded me of that...doing all the things I feared/not good at.

Oh well, Monday I will go for YOGA. Thanks to my work-day off.

Selling books online

You know what makes me happy?

Selling books online.

Lately, I have been trying to get rid of all my books so that I have an easier time moving out of my apartment when the time comes. I have "tons" of books, especially storybooks that are incredibly hard to sell online because you have to sell it for 0.01 cent, which means you actually make a lost.

But for those books which are actually sellable aka more than a dollar, I have sold them at a low price and people have been buying them. So far, I have sold about 5 books. Let's hope there's more to go...

Makes my heart sing everytime I received a confirmation email saying "SOLD NOW...PLEASE SHIP..."

It doesnt matter that I am earning a few cents or dollars, but the thought of clearing out those books just makes me happy.

Sell books sell!

Besides, I desperately need the cash. Hahaha. Seriously, I am bankrupt until my pay check or my transfer from the saving account comes into my checking account. For now, I will barely scrape past paying my january bills.

pls: FYI, I dont buy padded envelope to put my books in. Instead, I wrapped it up with 2-4 sheets of white paper that I grabbed from the computer lab. Always double layer. That actually helps me to earn a few cents or I would have just suffered a lost, especially for books that I sell super cheap. Think from a dollar to five.

Life as it is

I cannot believe I almost missed my class.

I reached school just in time to see my professor for the last 5-10 minutes.

What happened was I thought my class was from 1030am to 1100am.

Nope. It was from 10am to 1030am.

I was on my way to the bus stop at 1010am before I realized my mistake...

Shucks.

~~~

My life is ... monotonous for the moment.

Lots of I need to start working on my project and start studying japanese and start writing again.

But other than that, my life is ...dull...

Of course, I need to write my resume too and attend workshops, I guess.

I dont think I like the post-graduation life.

On the other hand, one of my friend (not close) is going to boston to take some summer classes in harvard. She is planning to rent an apt so I might just head down to boston after graduation and explore NY on the way too...

I was thinking of going to japan for a summer class, but it is too much trouble with the immigration especially since I am graduating...so there's the problem with the visa and etc.

Boston and NY doesnt sound too bad. I'll see...

:)

X

Want to know something really interesting?

My personal life is a BIG FAT JOKE.

That's right.

I am X - the changable, the variable.

I am a puppet, just discarded.

I am shaking off the strings, and picking myself up.

I am learning to walk again.

I am X.

Who am I?

~~~

I feel as if I have been sucked dry.

As if I have reached the limit.

I feel as if I have been waiting for the longest time,

but the wait is over.

And now, there is nothing else I can do,

but to start over.

The storm has vanished,

and the sea is peaceful once again.

I have been in turbulance,

and it is gone.

I cannot change what I cannot change,

but I can accept and live with it,

and my life will continue another path,

because one window has closed,

so another will open...

and I will live again,

in happiness and hope.

Spektor

Recently, I am feeling rather Regina Spektor.

If you havent heard her music, go listen to it.

It is happy, sad, high and low all at the same time. It is wrenching and soulful and heartful and all the wonderful things poured into it.

The best part is, I liked all of her music and if you go to her website and click on radio, you can hear all her works.

http://www.reginaspektor.com/index2.html

Risk

You know what really scares me...

Getting a good job offer in another state and I turn it down.

Of course, it hasnt happened yet.

I havent even gone for any job interviews.

But if the above happened, I dont know what I should do.

Take it or lose it, I have to risk something either way.

I am torn.

No wonder it depresses me so.

I am weighing the scales and it is a 50%-50% happiness.

I cannot win.

~~~

Sometimes, it is true, I feel that I have suffered for long, even though it has only been months. Hahaha. Hmm, oh wait, that IS long.

Depression.

And just as I am depressed, I bounced up easily. And then I fall again.

Every single day, it is like a cycle. Up down up down up down.

I took an online quiz and it said I suffer from major depression.

I think too much. I analyse myself and others too deeply. Every action, every move I take notice and I run through it in my head, giving it several good AND bad reasons why it is like this or that. I never use to do that, only recently.

This is the greatest advantage and disadvantage of a libra - the weighing scale.

I see the good and bad side and I still cannot figure out the meaning, nor can I decide. I am confounded and stuck.

And just like how I get depress real easily these days (I figure it is because I am overtuning into someone's personality. I am too easily influenced) I am able to bounce up as fast as I fall down.

It is confusing me too much. Everything is a mess. My life is a MESS.

I know it is NOT a big mess. But my inability to make decisions is making it a big mess. Once I make a decision, I seldom waver. But I cant now, because I fear of risking...

I want to be happy. But I dont know which decision to follow that will secure my happiness.

One day, when I am secure and happy in life, I will look back and laugh at all that I have gone through this instant.

I like the feeling of being disinterest. I wish I am disinterested because it makes life so much easier to live in. Disinterested and unattached to anything. Then I can make long-term decisions immediately. Disinterested is better than attachment. Attachment, I can break.

Attachment and Interest is hard to break, while Attachment and Disinterested is so much easier to break. So I want to be in the latter section.

Sometimes, I feel relief, just thinking about breaking the attachment. Relief from all those thousand of thoughts running through my head. I cannot deal with those. They pain me, always. But I dont know if I should break the attachment. I am unsure, uncertain. I want my old life. The life where I had such great dreams and hope and positivity before everything started.

Why am I so nice? Why do I keep all my destress to myself just to accomodate another person? Why do I not lash out and stand on my own? Why am I so afraid of hurting others, that I would sacrifice myself instead? It stinks, doesnt it. STINKS.


Man, all this thinking is making me sad. I was happy before all the thinking started.

Goodbye.

Dont read my blog if you want happy news.

I will try for a happy post a year later.

I wish I am MAD. MAD will be a welcome relief from depression.

I HATE THINKING. STOP BRAIN. STOP.

Ugh

I keep denying it...

MY HOMEWORK, I mean.

Like for example, I have readings, papers, quiz, tests and I just keep denying it.

I want to lead a carefree life.

The truth is, my denial is giving me headaches.

Why do I procastinate so? I suffer much.

~~~

I think leading a single life is the BEST.

Seriously.

Singles have freedom. Power. And best of all, DREAMS.

Because nothing is reality, and everything a possibility, they are able to dream.

I think I just loss my ability to dream.

It is depressing when my dreams are gone.

Sometimes, you wonder, if you had walked so-and-so path, where would you be?

Sometimes you regret never havent taken the path.

Sometimes you regret taking the path.

Sometimes you learn even if the path is destroyed.

Sometimes, I wish, life wasnt so complicated.

Sometimes I wish ...

Ugh. Stop.

Everything

I cant be bothered anymore.
Sometimes I wonder...why do I care?

It is so f***ing annoying/depressing to go through multiple dissapointments, all from the same source.

I think I made another mistake. I am such a fool.

I feel so constricted everytime after coming into contact with the source.

I just want to forget everything. Every single happening. Every single memory. Everything.

Overwhelmed.

You know, sometimes, my parents think I have no friend. Or rather, I do not open up to people, and I tend to keep things to myself.

My mom said once that I have no friends, because I am always at home.

Sometimes, I think she's right. Other times, I just brush aside her comment. Parents dont know me.

Last semester and this semester is pretty taxing on me.

I have a first time for everything that goes wrong.

First time getting an overdraft.

First time getting charged on my credit card for something I didnt buy.

First time juggling school work and troubled relationship.

First time trying to find a job and going for interviews, which I havent done yet.

First time I would have to drive a car, which I havent dont yet.

First time I have to move elsewhere that I have no clue.

First time I have to face so much decisions.

First time is overwhelming.

I feel like breaking down, until I remember my father's calm face, his rational behaviour, his apparent sadness in bad times, his support, his care, his love, and then I remember that my life is not so overwhelming.

Decisions

How can life go from so much happiness to saddness and back over again?

How can my mood changes so quickly...

from helplessless, to secure, to insecurity, to depression, to happiness, to anxiety, to worry, to a sense of blackness...to want to stop...everything...just stop...because my heart is torn.

how can I be confounded with so much decisions that it breaks my heart and makes me depressed, just to decide...

So much decisions....

if only my future is known...

how much less painful it will be...

it breaks my heart so...

just to decide...

and wonder if there is any hope and happiness at the end of the road...

That is what I am aiming for....

hope and happiness at the end of the road, but will my decisions be true or will they turn ugly?


~~~

I was trying to find a happy uplifting song from the sound of music when I came across this song...

You by Jim Brickman and Tara MacLean

I never felt alone, I was happy on my own.
And who would ever know there was something missing?
I guess I didn't see the possibility, it was waiting all the time,
but it never crossed my mind, till you opened up my eyes.

Now all I think about is you, in my life, in my dreams,
in my heart I know it's true that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms, I have everything
and now I can't imagine what I'd do without you.

I never thought love could be such a curiousity.
What attracted you to me was so unexpected,
but it was waiting all of the time and it never
crossed my mind, till you opened up my eyes.

Now I all I think about is you, in my life, in my dreams,
in my heart I know it's true, that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms, I have everything
and now I can't imagine what I'd do without you.

You, in my life, in my dreams, in my heart,
I know it's true that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms,
I have everything and now I can't imagine what i'd do.

Without you, in my life, in my dreams, in my heart
I know it's true, that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms, I have everything
and now I can't imagine what i'd do.
I can't imagine what i'd do.. Without you...

Continuing from last semester

100 pages of my best work.

Great.

This sucks.

How much does it sucks?

Neverending.

Hate school.

Can you hear me?

Hate.

Hate.

Hate.

Gosh, there is so much hatred inside.

And I am starting to feel depressed.

This tighening around my head never stops.

It is there, day and night.

Even in my dreams.

I just need hope.

Hope.

Hope.

Hope.

Need to find some...everyday...

because I am stuck between breaking down and growing strong.

I am in this in-between space, that I want to break down, but I cannot.

I want to find relieve, but it isnt there.

That is what hurts most.

Relieve isnt there.

SCAMERS.

I hate scamers.

Hate scamers.

DO NOT CALL ME.

SCAM.

SCAM.

SCAM.

HATE.

YOU.

WITH.

A.

PASSION.

Over

I hate liers.

HATE LIERS.

and cowards.

HATE.

HATE.

HATE.

If you dont know what you want, let me decide for you.

It is complicated huh.

I know. Been there. Done that.

And it is a relieve when everything is over.

Relieve until you came along...

with your complications as an attention seeker.

You are weak, because you cannot decide.

Those that cannot decide, will lose everything.

As I said, been there, done that.

Over.

Where are you?

His cellphone is dead.

He doesnt go online.

I am not close to his other friends and they seem to be living their own life.

What happens ... when someone disappears without a notice.

ONE day... two, three , four , five ...

What happens ... ?

Each day passes and I am getting increasingly worried and sick to the pit of my stomach.

I have never known someone to be so cut off from the rest of the world, especially when all his friends and family are here.

Where else can he be that he cannot even connect to the internet?

This is so unlike him...

Where are you?

Shocker

A good friend of mine just dumped a great big news on me.

It was a shocker.

But its okay.

I have always treated him as a good friend.

And I am glad he trusted me enough to tell me his BIG news.

~~~

On another note, my phone vibrated...

And I didnt pick it up coz I didnt know.

It's an unknown call...

And its killing me, because I want to know WHO CALLED ME.

It is not a compulsion of mine to pick up every unknow call...but I have been waiting for news on a certain someone.

I have thus changed the sound mode on melody.

Call me back, whoever you are!

Me

I think there is a reason why I dont want any relative, especially sibling, to be connected to me on facebook.

I dont want news of what I have been doing to spread, even if I am doing nothing wrong.

I just hate it when my parents or anyone questions me about etc, etc, etc.

I know it must have hurt them that I never tell them anything, almost like their daughter never exist, but I still dont tell them a thing. I dont like people prying into my life. I dont like people understanding me because I feel trapped in a stereotype, an image. It makes me conform to their image and I find it hard to break out of convention when I need/feel like it.

That's why I hate the phone. I hate it when they call me because I have nothing to say.

And they ask such irritating and irrelevant questions like:

-please eat more meat, what you cook, how do you go to Walmart, have you done your laundry, can you please check out the price of xxx, etc, etc, who did you go out with, what is your friend's name...

I just dislike parent's curiosity and I hate telling them the answers too, because it is so redundant, boring, old news, "stupid" in a sense that those questions are meaningless and frivolous to me.

It makes me wanna just burst when they ask, because HELLO! I have been handling myself for so many years, on my own, so what is the difference between now and then? Just hearing their voices, seeing them makes me want to cringe because my peace disappears.

There is a reason why I like staying in my room, with just my own thoughts to occupy me, because I treasure the thinking, not the talking. I like the silence. It is peaceful, and in touch with my soul. Anything is possible. I can change, I can dream. It is my wonderland.

My parents voices are like the opposite. They bring intrusion into my private space.

My friends are different. They bring me news, updates and nothing more. I dont mind them calling because it gets me out into the world and keep me from boredom.

I am an extremely private person and extremely vague at times. Everything I write are my thoughts and not actions.

I hate publicising - the reason why my blog is so boring, so void of pictures.

To be fair, I keep to myself whenever I can and so far, I havent regretted it.

About the facebook and letting relatives connect to me, I think I will eventually fall victim to it.

I just hate disappointing the young ones, especially when they look up to you. Makes me feel sick.

Edit: Relatives on facebook? No way.

Highs and Lows

My feelings are going through a really tough time.

It practically changes every 5 - 30 mins.

Here goes a list of emotions I have been through.

Happiness
Depressed
Anxiety
Worry
Emotionless

Most of the time, it lands on anxiety/worry/depressed.

Sometimes, it swings up to happiness, emotionless, but it doesnt last long.

I am wondering what all these highs and lows are going to do with my health.

Insanity

I really think I am bordering on insanity.

Or maybe, Im WAY off into the deep end.

I need to widen my interest. I need to focus somewhere...think something...before I go crazy.

Really, I hate it when Im in this situation.

Hate it.

Hate it.

Hate it.

Weird dreams

I have the weirdest dreams...

One of which I remember involved my msian neighbor.

Every holiday, when I was back in msia, I used to peep out the balcony window or my parent's window when I hear the sound of neighbor's gate opening so that I can see their faces, or rather, my same-age-opposite-sex neighbor-who-used-to-be-my-schoolmate-and-playmate.

Of course, it was tough spotting him. Sometimes, it was his mom/dad/younger brother.

Anyway, it was fun for me just to spot him because I was curious about how he grew up to be. We share a similar pathway, but never intersecting.

Till now, sometimes, I dream of him. He represents my past, my childhood, my first few years in msia. We haven't seen each other for years. We might as well be strangers. Occasionally, I wonder what it will be like, if we bumped into each other. I doubt he ever thought of me. The reason I guess I still think about him is because our moms interact once in a blue moon. Or maybe she got the news from the tuition teacher which my younger sister and his younger brother share.

I dont really know but he just started studying in U.S. Strange huh. For a guy, who is super smart and talented, he kinda stopped JC, went to a msia college, now on to U.S.

And to think I used to wonder what happens if he enrolled in the same university as I was in. Not that far-fetched, because he is now in a U.S. university.

I kind of miss him, really. I wonder how he's like now. The memories in my head are him from 11 to 15. We grew distant after that. You know, puberty and stuff. Haha.

Ten years is a long time, and we are still neighbors. I really wonder what's going on in his life, because I hope to meet him one day. I still wear a rose-colored glasses when I think of him. He never grew up, and I still see him standing there in my mind, with a white colored school uniform, spectacles, pale smooth skin, deep dark eyes, and a fringe that falls across the eyes.

Will

You know, if I convinced myself, maybe it will become true.

That's what I've been betting on for the entire two months.

I'm counting on my will to get me through.

It is not so bad, just tough.

What a joke.

It is destructive.

The current is fierce.

But I'm holding on to my WILL.

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS BLACK CLOUD.

Eventually.

2008

Happy New Year 2008.

I am coming into the year...

with a lot of ...

UNCERTAINTY.

Hope

I realised there are many problems in life, that I am just touching upon.

Those problems, I am starting to encounter, I wished I didnt have to go through with it.

I guess I had too high an expectation.

Really high.

And now, it is gone.

Because you see, I have lost much hope.

And those problems, will likely continue. I will stumble upon them repeatedly. But for now, I think I need a break.

A long one.

Hopefully, I will learn to deal with them with the time comes.

MAD

I am MAD!!! And UPSET!!!

At everything.

I am MAD.

Because...

I misplaced my Student ID.

and ROCKY relationshipS.

Warning: At your own risk...

If you really want to know, Nivla...

The top, back and side of my head hurts. It feels blocked and the weight of the tension is pressing down so hard that I cannot eat, drink, sleep or cry. The pain is traveling to my tip of my eyes. I am choking so hard, it cuts off my blood to my brain cells. I have to stop and focus or I cannot read, write or talk. Each step is an effort, to swallow the pain and continue on. Each step is a journey that I am struggling alone. The pressure is contricting my throat and pressing. So much pressure.

It is almost as if I am going out of my way to avoid a certain something from happening and the effort is hurting my brain. I am avoiding and it is so hard, because my future is bleak.

This is what I call emotional pain.

Together with a paper that I am supposed to start, I feel burned out, guilt, stressed, and fear.

Lots of fear.

So much that my body trembles and my hands shake when I want to start writing.

I fear a lot of things.

My papers, my life, my future.

I fear for them all and it is making me sick.

I need a breather. I want everything to be over. The exams, the papers, the games.

Just tell me, because I cannot let go, until you say the word.

~~~

Every smile and word, I force.

Every force is pain.

Every pain increases pressure.

Every second, it grows.

Every growth leads to a breakdown.

But it has not happened.

I tried, but the tears refused to fall.

And the pressure keeps building.

And the cycle repeats.

~~~

I cannot speak a word of the pain.

I cannot, but the person inside is crying, and is putting on a brave front. Are you happy, because she is happy. She really is.

She wants peace, just for a little while. Will you bring peace?

Give her grace, happiness, fill her with sunshine, happy thoughts and wonders of the world.

Fill her, because she is crying and there is no one around to help. She can call no one for help, because she doesnt want to become a burden. She is trying to make them happy, but she is failing and it is eating her inside. Every step, the pain. The deadline nears, the relationship falls and the communication breaks down, the clock is ticking, the pain grows but try as hard as she could, she couldnt cry. She is blocked and there is no released.

She feels stoned. Really STONED.

Edit : I will be alright for a brief period of time. Music calms my soul. I am insecure, because of something occupying my mind 24/7, and I didnt voice my thoughts. I needed an outlet. I thought about spilling my guts out in a confrontational discussion way, but it is not the time yet. Everything is so fragile that I have to tred lightly. I just need to believe, trust, and see the big picture, but it is so difficult. When is the time to be honest and spill? I will never know.

Cracked.

I really tried.

I really did.

But I couldnt cry.

Even if I wanted to.

The tears are all dried up.

Good bye

I don't really care anymore.

If someone really cares, the person should be here.

But I guess not.

In that case, I am worrying myself over nothing.

Good ridiculance and GOOD BYE.

Flabbergasted

She knows.

How did she know?

And I thought I kept it all hushed.

I even tried to hide the evidence.

"So it is official?" she asked.

I didnt reply her nor did I deny it.

To be honest, I was too shocked and embarrassed.

But yes, it is official.

Black Friday

Just getting out of Norman on Black Friday was fun.

The shopping was fun too. I bought nothing.

Savings = 100 percent.

I wish I could say the same for my camera though.

It broke.

In the dying dusk, my friend turned to me and said, "Dont you wish it was black friday today?"

Then I could have bought a new camera earlier ... at a better price.

Ask

My life, is a mess.

A big mess.

That I dont know what to do about.

~~~
Thanksgiving is starting this week!

Wheeeee!

I will have so much food to eat!

And a long holiday too, starting from wed to sun!

I am so looking forward.

I dont know what to do for thanksgiving.

Should I travel to texas or go to my friend's house to celebrate thanksgiving?

I can always travel to texas. And I want to go to my friend's house at the same time.

But my friend havent brought up the question since the first time it was asked. And now, I am left hanging. Do I wait for my friend to ask or do I just assume that it was a forget-it question?

Hmph.

I hate asking.

Asking.

I either have it or I dont.

I have already sent the message, but who knows?

Should I be upset if I dont have it?

Should I be sad, if the other isnt?

I dont think so.

Darn it.

I hate waiting.

It's a bunch of nerves.

I feel like I'm wearing the pants, and I dont know whether to be happy or sad.

Misunderstanding

I know...

Miscommunication = so tough.

Especially when it's just starting.

~~~

I like your new car, D.W.

I didnt know we were still so familiar with each other. Is it because of our past?

Strangely, I was thinking of you when you called. Gave me a fright. But its just to show off your new car... hehehe :)

I hate games.

Dont all of us hate games.

But most of all, I hate it when I am at a disadvantage.

When I cannot read the person.

And the guessing game begins.

But I hate it.

And I want to stop it.

Make it go away.

This feeling of wanting.

Fly free.

Are we?

No.

No.

Remember?

We said no.

Bare

It is so hard to write when you think people you dont want reading your blog, suddenly stumbled upon it and figured out, 'Hey, its you.'

I pray that doesnt happen to me.

I can hear my fingers frantically pressing the edit button.

Edit > Draft.

Edit > Draft.

Suddenly, the blog seems so bare.

Girls and Weight

It took me so long, but I finally did it.

I got my weight to go down back to my upper secondary school days. I have been maintaining my weight for the past five years, so its really good to know I can still lose weight again! I hope I can maintain that weight now.

The difference is not a lot, but it shows I can do it!

Now, I am aiming to go back to my weight in my lower secondary school days. It is really not a lot of difference, about two kg, but it is just so hard for me to lose even a small amount.

I mean, I havent grown taller, but my weight has increases steadily. So really, going back to my weight in lower secondary is a possibility and a dream! Hehehe.

I doubt no one will notice, but at least it makes me and my jeans happy!

PLS: I hate the question, "Am I Fat?" No matter how fat I think I am, I would never ask it, except to my cousin, coz we are family and family always give good criticizim, even when you dont want to hear it. I always simply state if the occasion is right, "I think I grow fat already".

How do I know? Jeans, people. My jeans. Trust me, if it doesnt fit nicely, its time to hit the gym at least three times before my jeans can fit snugly again.

Note: According to me = fat = unnecessary weight gain = not in my best shape. Not overweight. I hate to say fat and then people would think, "Oh, but you look okay." I just want to be fit. Cant help it, especially once you know you were fit, with all those gold medal for fitness test :) I always score in my running and flexibility and sit up. Dont ask about running, I have no clue especially now that I take such a long time to run 2.4, it makes me wonder how I accomplish it under 12 minutes during high school. Shuttle run and jumping are my worse event. I cant sprint or jump.

My brother always says, "D, you are so fat!" And then he will hit my thighs with the back of his hand and make it juggle. -_-

Well, to console myself, I went back home last winter and he is now so fat! Ahahahaha. He has become flabby. To much protein shake and not enough exercise. Damn plump now lah he, compared to how skinny he was last time. He's been going to the neighborhood gym, but I havent seen him in a long while. It's okay. I will still say, "USELESS LAH". Bleh.

Children's blogs

I love reading about parenting blogs. Happy blogs about funny things their children do or say, how they are going to grow up, the little insights into their blossoming character, etc. It just feels so rewarding, knowing that the children are growing up beautifully.

And then, I start recalling my own childhood and compared it to the kids and digging deep into my character. Often, it is little children who show their true colors because they cant help it. They dont know how to hide the bad ones and they are bad at pretending. It is so easy for a parent to know what kind of children they are going to grow up into.

I have been dwelling on my own childhood for a while. Thinking about what kind of person I was then, and now, and how much changes I have made, good and bad, and how I still feel like Im wearing a mask of goodness, with those long-ago hated characteristics lying dorminant deep within me, surfacing every now and then, for all to see.

Halloween!

I just had to say it...

IM A ROCK GIRL...


for Halloween during Panam Party. I know, a very sick feverish, sneezy, coughing ROCK GIRL.

I told my friend about my rockin' outfit, and he didnt believe it. If I told you about it, and you havent seen me for four years, would you believe it? It is just so unlike me. The reason why I was a rock girl was because I had a black stocking I never wore and a black mini skirt that is a little too loose. So why not combine them together? Then, my roommate came up with a splendid idea. Wear a black shirt and my purple puma shoe and tata! Rock chick!

Total transformation, I tell you. I spilled some girl's drink, whom I know by name, and she totally didnt recognize me. I was apologizing to her today and she went, "IT WAS YOU?" I should not have told her it was me, -_- but I felt so guilty.

Another friend, who took the first picture of me and my friends in our halloween outfit went, "OHMIGOSH, LOOK AT THE ROCK GIRL." And then she leaned it closer to take a close up of me. Her boyfriend couldnt believe it either.


-_-

***

By the way, I carved my first pumpkin, and its in the fridge. Because im too lazy to take the insides out. Bah.

Sick

I am suffering from all kinds of sickness.

Flu, cold, sore throat, cough, fever.

And then I went to Panam Party. I know, I know... BAD! But it is Halloween and I just couldnt resist. So I just pop a panadol for cold and gurgle my mouth with salt water for the sore throat.

Blame the sickness on the change of weather and my weak immune system.

I have not been taking good care of myself this system. In the earlier weeks, I remember suffering from flu...

What is wrong with me?

Why is my immune system so weak these days?

Argh!

Winter Plans

I am going to California.

Again.

Woot!

This time to different places in California. Almost different.

And I have to fly, 3 times.

That sucks.

My Happy Formula

When I am happy, I cant do anything.

The stress is just not there.

Bad.

Happy = Procastination

Bad.

Nike

My Nike shoe arrived today!!!

Happiness!!!

Purple Shoe

I bought a new Puma shoe today, in rich purple color. Very beautiful!




I was supposed to be doing my paper, but I didnt get anything done at all! Blame it on the blackout! So I went to Ross instead to return some clothes and a shoe store a few blocks away was having clearance because they were moving.



The prices were still pretty expensive even though slashed, but I managed to get my PUMA shoe for only 29.99!!! Exciting! This is good news since the padding on my old shoe is totally worn out and is peeking out. I have used it for 2 years straight to school and gym. Hehe. I hate changing shoe lah. I am very loyal when it comes to footwear.



But a few days ago, I ordered a Nike shoe online for 45 :) A little expensive compared to PUMA but hey, I hope I like it coz I seriously dont want to wear deep purple to school everyday! It's going to be so weird. My nike shoe is brown and pink! How cool is that?!

I feel so happy even thought I have like 50 pages to write and its due next week! Eek.

Btw, I didnt always like Puma. I disliked it till last year, when I first brought a black Puma bag for school coz it looked sturdy.

Then in Puerto Rico, I didnt have enough space in my luggage so I had to buy an extra bag and guess what! Puma again, because it was cheap and rather nice. All pure shimmering white.

And now this purple shoe! And I have a shirt too. I feel like a Puma ambassador. They should really pay me :)

BK

Yesterday, I saw a person seating on the bench.

My heart quickened a beat and my strides lengthened.

As soon as I walked past him, I exhaled slowly and quickly hopped on the second bus.

I took the longer bus ride instead of bus 40.

This is what happens with unresolved relationships - friends or otherwise.

***
I am thinking that I should stop going online.

Bad. Bad. Bad.
***

Cracked

Suddenly it became all crystal clear.

When my post was there, you thought.

When your post was there,I thought.

And then it crumbled, collasped.

Because there is no foundation.

And now, we are back where we belong.

Just friends.

Just ordinary friends.

I have to say,

it was fun meeting you,

my friend.

Cracked up to be.

Cracked is a useless word

to be.

Haha.

Oh cracked.

The Unloader

Since when did I become an emotional unloader.

By golly, it is hard.

Im sorry about the news, S.R. I had no idea. And yes, I dont care much for you. I dont know how much you care for me too. Obviously, it seems that you care a lot about me because you made it sound as if you put a lot of effort and time into it. How much is a lot, huh?

I dont care but I am sorry.

At least I care, even if it is not to your standard.

Questions

"You know - you're pretty insensitive sometimes..you with all of your activities and friends"

Questions:

1) What is this person feeling when he/she wrote that?

2) Why did the person write that?

The Circus Elephant

Sometimes I feel like I am on a show, with the spotlight put on me.

An uncomfortable show.

The feeling of being dragged around like a circus elephant, and all the ah's and wow's around me.

I hate it.

I know that the person is sincere, but I feel scared, afraid, frightened, trapped...picked apart.

Used.

***

I dont know why I am so picky.

I like the idea of being in love.

But not in love.

I have come across many, but all have failed terribly, and now, I have a premonition that another one is going down. Or maybe it is just me, trying to stop the tide on both side.

Edit: Maybe I havent found the right one yet.
***

OU-Texas Weekend

Just when I thought I would some free time to catch up on my homework during the weekend, I didnt do anything.

Friday was an off day because of the OU-Texas football game.

OU won. Yay!

On sunday, I went to my friend's pot luck.

I said, "I havent done any homework at all this weekend."

M.T. said with a huh-what expression, "What did you do?"

I replied dumbly, "Surf the net."

And then I had to think....and it only came to me hours later.

Thursday Night- Watch abc.com

Friday - clean apt and arrange MSA boxes, sleep, K.H. cheesecake, MSA bowling, Ihop

Sat - Dim Sum, Bubble Tea, G's apt, La Pasco Walk, G's apt and game, CaoN, Walmart, Home-Arrange furniture, Party. (damn productive)

Sun - Eat, nap, church, pot luck, study.

Hmm, procastination on studying. Why am I not suprised? I feel so out of school now, like I had a long holiday :)

The party was fun! :)

I figure out that if ever I want to post any pictures of people, it will be highly photoshop so much that the people will remain unrecognized, unless the person in the picture is known to the readers and are able to put on a face on the person.

The Bday Atmosphere

pls: When I am tipsy, my reaction is faster. I dont think that much. I act. I never got into the shower so quick before after reaching home. Eek. I smell.

September and October is definitely the birthday month here!!!

I feel like I have been eating cake every week.

S.Shutts's, WS's, mine, M.Sakurai., and there are a few more bday's going on but I didnt attend. Man, that's a lot.

I celebrated M.S's and B.L's bday with a bashing party. I drank one and a half shot of whiskey and Im already feeling rather tipsy and one alcoholic drink of gin and something.

I had a great time. M.S's a fun guy to be with when he is drunk. Haha.

And of course, B.L. I met him two years ago. He still remembered when we first met (plus CI and R.N), and it took me a while before I could remember. Haha. OU cousins. That's right. Glad to see he really didnt forget us after the event. Cheers.

And Happy birthday to JL too...and the rest before and after :)

There are so many bday's going on!!! If you read my facebook profile, its all "thank you for wishing me happy bday, etc etc!"

Last year, almost half of the malaysians celebrated their bday in september and that's a lot! Too bad some had to leave OU ...

I already forget the name of the Indian guy I was talking to. He is really funny. Hahaha. When he first came, I recognize him, but I didnt know where. He told me that I once asked him not to drink Coke in the computer lab where I was working in. Haha. So we spoke for a while. And later on, the girls (E.A, A.M, me) pull him to dance in the living room with M.S, C.G.L. and another guy. Once the randoim dancing was over, E.A kept pushing him down by knocking her hips onto his. So I tried it and he did go down. Hahaha. I took a picture of me knocking him down too. It is basically for fun, trying to act drunk or giving in more to temptation/less inhibitation.

Soon after, I left and came home to see my cousin watching tv! What! She left the party early coz she said she was tired and I came home to see her watching tv! Unbelievable tv addict :)

When it becomes reality...

The keyboard decided to riot and started acting up two hours before my 12,500 word paper was due.

So I played system restore with my computer.

I won.

J Test

I am smarter than I thought.

I scored 98 on my japanese when the average was just 87?

Hahahahaha. Oh yea. Now Im talking. ;p

I have to say, it came as a BIG surprise. I seriously thought I was going to get a B or C because I "messed up" on the listening. I knew the answers but I didnt know what ending to use.

I also thought I "messed up" on the location and place sentences.

The last page, I didnt know how to translate the english to japanese. I tried.

And I also didnt know what the meaning of one word I had to explain was.

In the end, I guess the ending for listening, hoped my location and place sentences were correct, translate some sentence twice before I hoped I got it right and guessed the meaning of one definition. If I didnt have my correction tape with me, I swear the papers will be filled with blue scratched marks all over.

It was also kind of my fault for being over confidence and spending less than an hour to study.

Ok. So I got 98.

Laugh with me. Wahahahahaha.

LUCKY!!!

Happy Birthday

Today [9/28] is my 21st birthday. I am happy and tipsy. Yes, tipsy because I can finally drink alcohol legally :)

I drank one glass of Singapore sling, one melonball shot, half sex on the beach drink, and two blowjob shots with cream on top of it. Don’t ask. At first, while drinking the blowjob, I was kind of nervous and I laughed twice or thrice before I could finally get myself to drown it all. And it was good. I mean, really good. The first time, I managed to get everything down in my throat. The second time, I left a little bit in the cup and picked it up to drink it. It was certainly an unforgettably experience especially since it happened during my 21st birthday.

Thanks J.Lee for ordering the blowjob.
Thanks C.G.L for paying for my drinks.
Thanks C.N for paying for the melonball.
Thanks to the Mont for my free shirt.
Thanks to R.N for my tea café shirt.
Thanks C.I. for throwing the best birthday.

Pls: Apparently, no one knew why the blowjob had cream on top and J.Lee was surprised. I thought the cream was for decoration and I didn’t like it because it was fattening. Don’t you know what comes with a blowjob, he said incredulously. Then, I got it. I don’t know about the others.

Pls: Thanks to my cousin for celebrating my 21st birthday and making it such a great party even though it was a day late. And thanks for the filet breakfast with cucumbers around it! :)

Pls: Thanks to everyone for being there even though you didn’t know about it.

I was afraid I was going to do nothing on my 21st birthday but apparently, patience is a good virtue. I was worried I was going to let my 21st birthday past me by and when it is gone, it can never come back. I guess it is good that I have a cousin here. Family will always stick by you no matter what.

“Oh no, she’s becoming an alcoholic. And now, every drink will taste like cherry.” – J.Lee :)

Edit: The above was written right aften I came home. Not bad, huh.

Uh oh.

According to my mom, dad is very very angry.

So angry that he didnt sent me an email for a long long time.

So angry that he ASKED my computer-dummy mom to sent me an email.

So angry that my mom repeated that he is very mad THRICE in her email in between what's going on at home and tales of everyone.

~~~

Yesterday, while I was in the middle of shower, my head snapped up. "Oh, shit!" I said. I totally forgot about dad's birthday.

Now he is very very angry.

"Oh, shit?"

You bet.

~~~

I replied mom that I will MAKE a special present for him.

Aka, I have no clue.

~~~

Normally, dad reminds me to wish so-and-so happy birthday. Like for example, my mom, my bro and my sis. Dont ask why but I know when their bdays are but I always forget to wish them until the day is over. So anyway, dad is mad that I forgot his too! And secretly think he is too proud, upset, and mad to sent me an email demanding that I wish him a Happy Birthday!!! Hehehe. Proud? In some sense. More like "keeping face". You know, the manly attitude.

~~~

Im still in deep shit. But I think Im okay. Hehehe. Dad doesnt stay mad for long. Hehehehe :)

~~~

Problem: What to give dad as his birthday present?

Procastination

Today I...

didnt do much. It was a boring day.

Tomorrow I...

will do more. I will be twice as quick.

The next week I...

will be done. And my world complete.

Today I...

didnt do much. It was a boring day.

Japanese

Me: Yonensee
Sensei: Yonensee?
Me *hestitantly*: Yonensee
Sensei: Senior?
Me: Hai

Do I look young or what?! ;) Then sensei asked, "Who is super senior?" She said some japanese word...

I didnt raise up my hand of course. It would be a double shock to her, and she will remember me in class for all eternity. Ok, a year at most.

Japanese reading - kills my brain cells. I swear they are dieing right now.

Me = new words = brain freeze

I dont know what's sensei's impression of me. I did pretty good on my homework because sugi-san was helping me. I did pretty good on the test because I was lucky and consistent on my quizzes.

But the vocab ... ... ... die lah!!! It is all so strange sounding that its almost like speaking in dreams. You know what you are talking about, but you dont know what you are saying.

Need distraction

I dont know why, but I am nervous, tense and agitated.

I have to expell all these energy before I go bonkers.

Japanese exam finished 1.5 hours ago, but Im still feeling edgy. I keep thinking about that, this, that over there, some romanji and some english translation.

I cannot concentrate and I keep shifting around in my seat. My throat is tight and my breathing fast and shallow. And hunger calls and my tummy hurts from my erratic breathing and the hunger.

I need distraction, commotion, something to take my mind of the tension.

I need relaxation. Maybe I should bring some aromatic jasmine oil to school next time It worked pretty well the first time I tried it when my neck was aching.

I didnt sleep till 5am and I kept having dreams of this boy who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend and vice versa. I think I am going crazy. And in my dream I was the boy and I am writing the letter, or seeing it written, but in reality, I kept scratching the side of my feet (thinking of writing) so I woke up with a swollen itchy vein.

I think I am going crazy. I kept imagining there are bedbugs and it is biting my leg (therefore the occasional wake up in the middle of the night and morning scratches) and the three separate scarve like blanket that I use to cover myself is making me paranoid because I dont dare to turn in my sleep and risk the cold. Ok, I am still nervous and tense. This whole writing therapy - not working.

Home. World. Universe.

Im not sure how well I'll do in my first japanese test.

So far, I've been pretty consistent on the quizzes but that is *sub-sub-sui* (easy).

***

I dont really know why the hell am I learning japanese for. It is because I really LOVE japanese language, or because of anime influences, friends' influence, just simply easy A, etc.

I think its a combination of all. Friend's influence, anime... these two are big influences on why I am in japanese class. Loving the language...hmm, i wouldnt say it would be much use since its only used in japan, not like spanish or french, but I have to admit that japanese sounds more foreign and exotic than spanish or french, only because im in U.S. duh.

I think I would have love to study french, if only I had some kinda background since most students here have taken it before in high school and its pretty easy for them. I hate to struggle when people are taking it breezy, that's why I went for japanese. Hey, how hard can it be when I have chinese background? *pfft* say what!?

***
I dont really know if I should balik kampung in december. My cousin is going back, but then she hasnt been back for two years. Me, hmm. If I dont go back this year, it could be more than two years before I can go back again. Decisions, decisions. What can I do if I go back? Nothing. I will be trapped at home, in a shared room, with no air-con, no peace, no privacy, and constant noise from loud shouting.

The last time I went back, I forgot everything about U.S. Everything. When I got back, I could barely remember what my room looks like or where my stuff were. It was that bad. Like some kind of fuzzy dream. I dont know how to explain it, but my brain seems to think that msia/spore is HOME, WORLD, UNIVERSE and everything else outside it is ... FOREIGN AND ALIEN. So once I return to msia, U.S. became dream-like - the way it used to be when I was a child. Like a moon orbiting around earth. Even now, in U.S. I feel like a foreigner, because I keep refering to those americans as ang mo and using my daily dose of lah, leh, mah, meh, etc. Or maybe it is because I cannot accept them deep down in my heart - low tolerance or something.

But of course, I am in U.S. now, and it definitely does not feel dreamlike to me, not when I have a test in less than 12 hours and tons of reading to catch up on.

Hmm, maybe I left my heart in msia, where my family is...or wait...

heart = stomach = food

food = I miss = heart

heart = home

Therefore, heart = food = home = universe

Hehehe. Whatever. I am just procastinating my studies for japanese. Shucks.

Please excuse my ramblings.

Japanese update!

I was crossing the large field of grass this morning when it suddenly hit me.

Boys cannot be just friends.

Then it hit me again.

I have no friends.

***
Japanese class is super fun. Im glad I have it everyday! And I made lots of friends in class too! It is the only class where I can turn to someone and say, "Hey, what does this mean", or "Have you studied yet", or "How did your quiz go?"

I think jap class is the only class where I actually talk to my neighbors. In other classes, I just sit, stare, write, forced to discuss (when the time comes), and leave.

And Im so glad my jap class neighbors consist of one extra talkative thick skin guy, one JSA, one TSA, one new msian, one know-it-all and me-caught-in-the-middle.

Lalalalala. Yay!

***
Kindness for false hopes does not pay. It kills everything.

Japanese

Im taking it this semester.

My bedtime story

My cousin just came back from her internship and as much as she gets on my nerves at times, sometimes just because she is too fussy and clean and well, a little mad coz I dont wash the dishes asap, she is still my cousin and it is good to have someone, a family member, around.

I have been glad. At the same time, feeling that my friends have change during the summer internship while I remained, according to me, same. Relationships strained, broken, new, or renewed.

One friend has gotten involved with a butch.

Another friend is fed up and mad at another.

Next fell in and out of love.

So many so fast so much.

It is a little unreal now. Listening to my cousin's story and just trying to comprehen everything.

Revamp

Im so happy. I got rid of some of my apartment's old stuff.

Like soup scoup, knifes, photoframes, vegetable strainer and two large plastic bowls, old pot and pan, small pink tier stand, one pillow, a lamp, rubbish bin, extension cord.

Yea! Now I (house) have less stuff. I feel great because I reduce waste and money. I feel like Im an orang guni, you know, the man who always comes to your door and ask if you want to sell your newspapers. Hahaha.

I wish I get paid for recycling. Sigh. Here, I just throw everything into a recycling bin and get nothing. Not that I mind, but I used to remember those days where they pay you for your waste. Like $$$ per kg. Not much. My mom gets a dollar or two for one big TALL stack, but it is still fun.

And suddenly, I realised that my ex-roommate left a bunch of soft toys on my cousin's bed. Since she is coming back tonight, *gasp*, I had to do something about the toys. I used it to decorate my couch and the mattress in the living room.

I realise I still have a lot of stuff to do...before dear o' cousin comes back. She is rather picky, clean, and likes to have less stuff. She is always complaining that I have too much clothes, when actually, it is just a little more than hers. It is not like I have mountains of clothes. The only reason why we like to get rid of stuff is because we think it is easier when we move out, to other states or back to kampung village.

Sigh. Im tired. I think I will sleep before doing anything. Zzzzzz

To belaL

The police was giving an information session to the new international students.

"It cant be hard to get a driving license because I got mine," he said with a straight face.

I laughed.

My friend, in shock, said, "Dont laugh. It is not funny. I dont like police."

I laughed again.

I love hanging out with friends whom I can connect with instantly.

Lucky Seven

I PASSED!!! Yes!!!

So a few things happened this summer.

One: I got a cellphone.
Reason: My roommate left for good to Malaysia and I took over his plan.

Two: I passed my driving written test!!! The service was damn turtle. I waited for one and a half hours to take the test because only one computer was used. Then I had to go to the TAG agency to process my license. So I had to travel again and wait for another hour because there were many turtles around, including technical malfunctioning turtles.
Reason: Forced myself or risk my cousin's wrath since she was coming back the next day -.-

Three: Gave away two mattresses.
Reason: Got 3 for free from a couple moving to a new apartment. My apartment now has 5 mattresses, even after giving away 2. I left one mattress in the living room because it doubles up as a guest bed. Hahaha.

Four: Read lots of storybooks.
Reason: For fun and some for school.

Five: Cooking inventive lazy (dai cao - big fry) dishes.
Reason: Or the food will spoil.

Six: Clear out rubbish (old notes) in my room and did a little reorganizing.
Reason: Bored.

Seven: Sold some books on amazon.
Reason: Money, more space in my shelf and I have been trying to get rid of them all year.

That's it! The lucky seven of summer 07. Hehehe. Im so inventive. Yea right.

Cheers to the lucky seven.

Agape Love

'Do Dogs Feel Love?'

http://pets.yahoo.com/dogs/behavior-and-training/316/do-dogs-feel-love/

"The highest form of love, agape love, which is completely unconditional, is something that people often have to work at or grow into. Agape love seems to come naturally between parent and child, but it’s more difficult between husband and wife, and harder still between friends. To love someone regardless of what wrongs they have done you is very difficult for humans."

"Learning to know somebody intimately is often the beginnings of dislike, sometimes even of contempt."

"A dog, however, is born with an endless capacity for agape love, and doesn’t even have to work at it...He’s just happy you’re there. More amazing still, is that the love that dogs and owners feel for each other lasts a lifetime. This is the ideal love humans strive for, but often fail at."

***

Why do I feel that the above quote is so true? Esp the one in blue. Knowing someone, knowing too much disrupts and destroy friendship, or at least pricks the bubble of an ideal rainbow world.

Keep your distance,
near and far,
be a stone,
rock, mountain,
and the hollow trees,
in the roaring wind.

Keep a secret,
in and out,
manifest not,
in dear life,
and hidden long,
seem small after.

Weird Cooking Style

You cannot imagine how hard it is to survive without snacks. I normally have one real meal a day. The rest of the day consist of snacks. Ever since my roommate left last thursday, I have eating chocolate, drinking can soup, and munching on DRY cereal. Dry, because I ran out of milk. Oh, and ice cream.

And while there is still "food" in the fridge...tofu, bean sprout, bai cai, 3 mushroom, and some wilted herbs. Hahaha.

In the freezer, I have red bean and lotus bao, roti prata and yea, ice cream.

While I can eat bao in the morning, I really cant because I have to steam them first and my wok (used for steaming too) is in the fridge with one week's meal of potatos, bean sprout and minced pork. Yea. One week's meal - once a day mah.

I didnt know that it took such a LONG time to cook the potatos. I fried them for ages with the bean sprout and pork but it was still a little tough inside. So today, I made potato soup. Hahaha. Boil some of those damn potatos and it tasted really good! What a surprise for a lousy cooker! :)

I think it was because my potato has been fried with pork + bean sprout + onions + chili sauce + salt + white pepper + tomato sauce. All I did was add a little more salt and chili sauce to the water and wah, the potato damn tasty! Hahahaha. I think if my roommate had seen me cooking, he would have fainted. Hahahaha. I mean, WHO cooks potato and minced pork with bean sprout!?

I actually wanted to cook the pork + bean sp. + onions but I didnt know what to do with the stupid potatos. So I just cooked everything together ;p Hehehehe....

But ohhh, it turns out so fine when I boiled the semi hard potatos that I decided I am going to cook wan tan mee tomorrow :) Hehehehe.

Left over potatos + bean spr + pork + mee + bai cai + mushroom...

Wahahaha. Delicious!

pls: There is a big-ass cricket in my room!!! Im never going to sleep until I catch it!!! Grrr!!!

Rantings

I have been seeing lots of beaches in pictures, especially now that it is summer.

Now, I ask you. What is so great about beaches?

Im sorry but I hate them. They are nothing extraordinary. I think its extremely boring to go to beaches for holidays. What's the deal with them? All beaches look the same to me.

Griny sand, sky blue water, foam, curling waves, surf boards, hot looking people, fat people, skinny people, bikinis, dogs, food, water botter, sun tan lotion...

So what's the fuss with them? All those pictures about beaches are making me ill, sick to the stomach. Famous beaches, not so famous beaches, normal beaches. Whatever. They all look the same to me, feel the same, smell the same.

It is like eating rice, soft rice, hard rice, watery rice. Except for beaches, the difference is ZERO percent. At least rice has flavor and different texture.

And so, I am hating beaches. Dont get me wrong. I have loathe them since I was very young. There is nothing more boring than going to beaches and having to endure the same experience of the wave hitting your back, salty water, bright light, sticky hair, rough sand and skin cancer.

My friend once commented on MY FUTURE HUSBAND.

Eh, I dont have a boyfriend yet leh, now talking about husband?

She said, "I pity your future husband, you get bored so easily. I think you like to have a lot excitement."

*smiles wirly* Thanks for the observance.

But oh so true, I need LOTS of excitement. Hey, just because I like to stay at home doesnt mean I am boring. Before I left my home country for oh-so-great U.S., I was full of frustrations. It was too boring. Too boring. My country is too boring!!! There is nothing to do but go for movies, eat out, karaoke. My only savior was ice skating but I didnt have a car, so I couldnt go there anytime I wanted. Besides, on some days and on some times, it was too crowded.

So I left for U.S., enjoyed. Have fun. I am still not bored yet, only because life is a little exciting without parents around, relatives judging my every action (like secret spies, their frowns so apparent). I love being on my own, so much freedom, so much space, and endless possibilities!

I think I will "die" of frustration if I ever go back and live there forever. Or maybe not. As long as I'm out of my parent's rule, I am fine.

But beaches, boyfriends, parents. I am sorry, but haha! I'm glad to be free of them. So constricting, so annoying.

Haih, at this rate. Welcome to spinsterhood! Seriously, I mean, the last time I went back, even my MOM! mention the word, "husband". Er, mom, I dont even have a bf yet so I dont think I will get married and move away that fast.

*roll eyes* I am ALREADY away!

Books

I have been reading much this summer and I realised I have very little authors that I really like. But here are the best of the best according to ...ME.

In random order, of the top of my head and the books that I love BEST! I simply cannot live without them :) Basically five stars plus one because they are just so memorable.

1) L. J. Smith (Everything except vampire diaries)
2) Juliet Marillier ( The Sevenwaters Trilogy)
3) Diana Wynn Jones (Chestomanci series)
4) Victoria Holt ( Demon Lover)
5) Tamora Pierce ( Immortals and Song of the Lioness)

Books that I love best but still able to survive if they are returned to the library. Sigh.
6) David Feintuch (Midshipman's Hope --- the only one I read so far...hehe)


Okay, so I have run out of ideas. Im sure there are somemore out there. Hmmm...

tata!

Spore :)

Happy independence Singapore!

:)

Wishes for all around.

May you be as clean and green as can be.

Jeff Buttle

I have found the perfect male specimen in...

Jeffrey Buttle...

*smile growing stupidly wider*

check him out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu6CDz6P6Qk&mode=related&search

So Im been stalking him on youtube for a few days, but hey, all's fine. I was just listening to the music, you know.

On the other hand, I really really want to skate now. Or pick up skating again.

M L6

I bought a new cell phone!!! Hehehe...

My roommate is going to pass his phone to me after he leaves for malaysia and his phone wai-wai-de wan, aka something wrong.

So heh, I HAVE to buy a new unlock cellphone. If you have seen US cellphones, most of them are outdated or discontinued. They remind me of all those oldies cars on the road, which no one has seen in ages. But while the cars look anciently classy and sometimes cute-in-a-way, the cellphones are vomitingly ill. I wonder how US can be so far back in cellphone technology, almost three to five years back and that's a lot considering how cellphone technology has rapidly advance.

Anyway, I bought my *new* cellphone on Ebay. I think it is discontinued but it is still sold cheaply in some places, which gives me the impression that is either made in CHINA! (cheap labor) or refurbished. Whatever.

So, here goes nothing....presenting...

MOTOROLA L6!

Yes!

Or wait, you dont even remember it...

Forget it then.

Bought it for like $107.

Told you. Expensive piece of outdated discontined phone.

Whatever. It better work or I will be pissed.


pls: Im really FURIOUS with the cellphone plans for T mobile. After using it for 2 years and reaching the end of the contract, you have to renew a 2 year plan if you want a better (yea right, more like ancient) phone. What kind of stupid rule is that! Freaking dumb, I tell you. I am disgusted.

The Slave

Bills bills and more bills.

I am dying under this thin paperless substance of sucking bills.

The suck all the good things out of you like fun and happiness.

I was just thinking of a way to save up more money, when I realized it is really difficult to do that considering that there are rents, groceries, going out with friends, and later on, tuition, books, and of course, THE CELLPHONE!!!

More bills to pay. Ill.

So now my monthly expenditure will be averagely 500? That is too much!!! More than the amount I earn!!!

Arrggh. I am dying again.

Of course, there are ways to overcome money flying away.

1) Go out with boys who pay for you.
2) Become president of some cultural organizations and you get to go to cultural nights for free! as well as go to PANAM parties for free!
3) Download movies.
4) Stop hanging out with friends and Im serious unless no money is involved! :)
5) Stop eating outside.
6) Sell away books :)
7) Stop buying snacks and diet everyday.
8) Bring food to school.
9) Dont ever succumb to deals if you dont need said item.
10) Go to events that have free food.


Bah!