The Diet

The diet is not so much as a diet than avoiding cakes, cookies, and cupcakes everyday.

Frankly, that's all I have been doing ever since the summer started.

All I have to do is cut the cakes and cookies out of my life and I will be OKAY.

I swear, I am going to avoid every last bit of sugery processed food from today onwards, until at least Halloween.

Hehehe.

And perhaps, I am going to run a mile under ten minutes. How's that for a goal?

Wish me luck.

All for one's own.

Many times in life, I feel like I am trapped behind a pane of glass. I am there, but I am not. I am a shadow, a trailing yarn on the floor. I want to jump in, feel the different colors, be involved. Yet, when I try, I feel silly and occasionally, there is a feeling of confusion, dread, fear. And I want to stay out again.

So one day, I decided to jump. The water was hot, and beautiful. But it was just a dip. The deeper I went, the colder it got. The freezing wind, the frantic despair, the endless struggle up to the warm sun.

The weather is getting colder again. The winds are shifting. The cold front is here, and it brought the fog.

I lay in bed, thinking of the past year, where I jumped. The seasons changing, and is still changes. But everything's different. The people around me, the buzzing excitment, the shouts of joys, the feeling of hope, peace, and everything warm and fuzzy.

I have surfaced and have been floating in the warm water for some time. It took some time to recognize it. Even now, I am still thawing. A little raw in edges that perhaps are scars etched in the skin. But I am back behind the pane of glass and I am looking out at life, and the intense emotion that I wanted to experience.

Truth is, it aint pretty out there. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I am happy in my place. I am happy being the wallflower, the shadow, the passive follower. Sometimes, you just have to be happy with what you have. Do not covet your neighbors. Life is beautiful. You just have to make it happen. Choose wisely.

OU-Texas Weekend - Wichita and Meers!

Today was AWESOME! It was sort of a long weekend coz of the annual OU-Texas football game. So my roommates and friends decided to go hiking and eat at one of the best burger joint in US!

I hiked at Wichita Mountains, following the longhorn trail until we deviated into the eagle trail and the buffalo trail? Hahaha. I also remember something called the Dog Run Hollow.

Anyway, the hike was wonderfully beautiful. The day was chilly in the morning and it got hot in the afternoon. Not super hot but mild warm and cool. All but one wore shorts. Bad idea. The grass was ankle or knee high. For most of our trip, we brushed through the greenery with the stems scratching and slapping our legs. Some of it would stick to our socks and poke our feets. Ow. We also climbed huge steep boulders that overlook other "mountains", cross shallow rivers, and travel paths unknown. Aka, get lost. Too bad we didnt see any wildlife while hiking!

We found a nice but rather sunny spot to rest. It overlooked a river and we played Big Two there. My roommate decided to climb down to the river to swim. She found a nice, not-too-steep trail and proceeded. No one followed. Hahaha. She did her bit of exploring, climbed up looking rather damp and told her she dipped in the river with her phone in her pocket. Nice. We gave her our leftover grapes and decided to finish the trails. That is when interesting things happen. We left our trail to another trail, thinking it was a shortcut. We got to the parking lot only to find out we were at the wrong end! So we had to track back. All in all , we spent 4 hours walking and 1 hour of rest.

After that, we ate at Meers Burger, one of the famous burger joint in the whole of US, which none of us knew about unless my cousin saw it on the Food Network. It was in the top 3 rank. Ha! Go Oklahoma! The meat was family farmed, or wild farm, (whatever you called it) and it was 97% lean meat. It was rather chewy and it was a big portion coz I thought since I was here, I might as well order the biggest - 11oz. Haha. I ate 1/4 and brought the rest back home. I hope it will be good the next day. My tummy was soo tight it could burst.

That is the end to a very productive day. I think I like day trips like this. I want to travel and find out more new places! Oh, it was all very exciting!

pls: We didnt watch the game (Ha! How supportive we are!) but our college team lost. Rawr! I dont really follow any football game, but we were no 1. until ... today. RAWR! Why!

Knitting

I learned how to knit on Tues, (I think) but I only started getting the hang of it on Thursday night..

Thurs - Green and Blue
Friday - Blue
Sat - Blue, Orange and Yellow

At least with knitting, it keeps me from snacking every hour.

I think what's wrong with me is the lack of vitamins, which makes me hungry...

Worries and friend(s)

I am a little worried about everything.

The U.S. economy. My friend. My family. My job. Life in general.

But basically, the economy, friend and family.

And I am also glad for great friends that are always there.

Cheers to friends I can always depend on.

One call and they are there. Mr. Pippin.

I have to say, he cycled back to school after I called him even though he was really sleepy from last night's concert. And all coz I was bored at school and waiting for jen to get off class.

Aww.

And oh, I ate 4 cupcakes today, one bar of chocolate, one small snickers and lots of nacho cheese chips. No wonder I feel weird and gross out.

Argh. I had to eat honeydew for supper coz my tummy felt extremely ... bad?

Bday surprise!

So I thought MY day was done, even if it was just afternoon.

I got off from lunch shift, came home to find it rather empty with my cousin gone and my roommate disappearing occassionally.

I got online. Fell asleep. And woke up to find the house dark. I went to the kitchen, ate two pieces of garlic bread for dinner and saw my roommate untying strings from a basket.

I went back to my room, put together my photography portfolio and filled out some paperwork. Talk to the Mr. Waterboy, aka boy-who-used-to-be-my-friend, and then roommate came in with my big baby. !

They talked to me for a while and then big baby had a phone call. She told me that my cousin had come home with food from work. I wasnt hungry. They didnt care. They lead me straight to the kitchen and tata, surprise!

About fifteen to twenty people with lots and lots of cupcakes! Yummy. They sang the birthday song. There was no cake to cut, so no wishes made. But all in all, it was good food! Hehehe.

I love my roommate(s) and cousin.

Missing people

I am concern. Worried.

A friend asked if I have heard from Mr. B.G. I said yes, last week.

Well, how about this week, he asked.

No, I replied.

I havent been able to contact him, he said.

Since we were at a club, I mentioned that I will contact him as soon as possible.

Today, I tried calling him, and it went straight to the voicemail.

I am concern. Worried.

WHERE ARE YOU!?

9/28

The sun is back into its original position.

I have reached another significant day in life. Lived another year.

I had a extremely small dinner party with my roommate and friends. Cake and a bottle of wine. Nothing special. In fact, if it wasnt for the cake, it would just have been another dinner party. Everything was very....tame. They came, they go.

But still, I am glad. For I have good friends in life.

I love them all.

xoxo.

Also, a friend surprised me, by texting right on the minute itself. It was very sweet, especially since we were study partners but we dont hang out together. Hahaha.

9/26

I got a job, sort of. Internship.

Yay.

I emailed them and asked if there was an opening available. Since it was a half-time student position, they didnt really interview me but asked if this was what I am interested in. That's it. I got the job with student pay. Not much but it didnt matter. I can stay.

~~~

I met up with Mr. Pippin and his roommate. We hang out. Went to the library, the candy store, the gelato store and himalayas. We were at himalayas for a very long time and S.R. walked in, to eat. I think he suggested to eat at the other side of the room when he saw me. It was awkward.

Later at Panam, I saw B.K. I think he saw me too. I was trying hard to avoid being in his sight. But later, I saw him standing not far behind where I was. I immediately tried to hide behind my other friends. Luckily, for some reason, one of my friend was thirsty so we all left to get a glass of water. That was also when Ms. R.N. decided to go on the stage and I saw B.K. heading to where she was. I seriously hope he just wanted to R. N. and not me. Afterall, he did remove me.

Horse Riding

I went horse riding on wednesday and it was awesome!

My horse was called "Honey" and at first it was pretty obedient. It followed Mr. Ha on "Gus" for like less than five minutes before Gus decided that it would take a off-beaten path and went off trail. Honey followed. For the rest of the day, this is what happened.

1) I saw a bunch of other wild horses that looked terribly thin.
2) Gus trotted into a tiny clearing where there were other horses eating grass. Female horses, I presume.
3) Honey stood still for more than 20 minutes and wouldnt listen to my signals until Mr. Ha had to whip her butt a few times coz my whip was too short.
4) I saw a dead body hanging for preparation of Halloween.
5) My horses is the most stubborn horse ever. I had to get on the ground twice coz she refused to move and also refuse to follow me when I tugged her string.
5) The wringler said I have to be tough with them and show them who's the boss or they will do whatever they want. Thanks for that advice at the end of the ride.
6) My butt hurt the next day. But it wasnt that bad.
7) I want to go horse riding again!

I love me.

I am self-indulgent. Here is the answer to all my bad qualities.

I like to fulfill whatever I feel like at the moment and discare the needs of others. Another reason why I am bad at multi-tasking.

But you know what they say, love yourself first before you love others.

Hahahaha.

How ironic.

Sunday/Monday Recap

R.E. - Recap of Sunday's work - night shift.

It started out relatively, slow. Boring. (Worse than lunch, beside the fact that N.K., Tien, G, and someone came. ) Anyway, the school was having a mooncake festival and I was stuck at night with Jen. There were so few customers that the lady boss told us that one could leave at 8p.m. I told Jen to leave because she had her own Korean thanksgiving. Come 8 p.m., a couple of friends dropped by to eat, like they said they would. Twenty minutes later, another bunch of msians came in and were stunt to see me working. Yup, yup. Hey, guys, its me. Wow, is this a msian gathering right here? And it was pretty funny so see a whole bunch of msians eating at the same place, when it was unplanned. Just when I thought my day was done, a family came in, with sooo many kids talking and running around. Five kids. I seriously thought there were more than that, with the amount of noise and legs running around.

And so that was how my day started. Boring to super big tables busy. And all the msians knowing where I work now.

~~~
Monday work. The lady boss kept calling me my cousin's name. I mean, what's the deal? And a customer asked for wasabi sauce. HUH!?

~~~

I want to do MLIS. Yes? Yes?

~~~

I turned in application and bought tickets to Anatomy of Gray.

~~~

And oh, facebook is not working for me. I think this is the best thing that ever happened. I wanted to deactivate it ever since N.K. but I always use it to message my friends, and I get on it whenever I needed a break, which is every five minutes. Well, luckily, I managed to turn on the setting for message and wall-to-wall so I receive alerts. Immediately, the next day, facebook wouldnt load my homepage. Hahahaha. I likey!

I want.

I want to walk away and just be me again.

Just be myself. Be free.

I want to live my dreams.

I want to be fully drenched in life.

I want to stand up strong.

I want to say, I dont need anyone to answer to my whims.

I want to be there for people.

I want to be better.

Cold turkey

This cold turkey from snacking is very hard to get used to.

I am constantly thinking about food. Maybe going cold turkey is not a good idea.

Also, going cold turkey on MSN and facebook is a little tough. But I swear, I will go cold turkey on MSN for the entire week, till next friday. If I could, I will deactivate facebook, but I have so many contacts there that use it to contact me. So I have to just stay away from it from now.

I seriously wish I have a real job now. Bah.

Reminds me, I have to study GRE and apply for Masters.

Wallflower

Hey,

I have decided to become the perfect wallflower, and lose the hunter.

xoxo,
beautiful stranger

Blackbird on a Friday Night

It is a Friday night and I'm at home. One roommate is sick, the other is tired from work and is asleep. Strangely enough, I love the peace and quietness of the night.

The same evening, when I was on my way home, I was worried. It is friday night, damn it. I shouldnt have to be alone at home with nothing to do and no friends to hang out with. A couple of my friends were watching a movie in the Union and snacking on free food at 9:30p.m. But I had resolved to cut down on my snacking especially after my pants became tighter. Plus, I had seen the movie.

I called another friend, Mr. Ha, but he already had plans. I told myself, this is going to be so boring. But somehow, when I was walking to the door, ideas began popping into my mind. I could watch all those movies my cousin borrowed, search for more jobs, eat my leftover food, take a nap, drink tea, search for more anime shows, and basically, have my own alone time to do whatever I wanted.

Well, it turned out pretty well. I watched Prime and the song they played on the menu screen...was "Blackbird." I have to admit, it reminded me of good memories that cannot last forever.

S.R. and insomia

I feel touched, especially since we didnt get along too well. Yet, he got over his disappointments and bitterness I suppose. I mean, to learn that my image wasnt marred to him was a hugh wonder. He is a great person, just totally different from me. Thank you for the compliment, S.R.

~~~

Sometimes, I wonder if I am too naive and stupid. Too accepting. I don't really see anyone's fault...not until someone points it out to me and say, "Hey, I dont like that attitude!" And then, suddenly, I comprehen and it sinks into my mind that that is wrong.

I am like a little girl who accepts everything that comes in her way and if they say it is my fault, I will agree with them and say, "Im sorry."The worse part is, part of me really thinks I am at fault. I dont fight back. I am a big pushover. I please people and stay away from anger and disagreements. Now that I think of it, my only savior is I am lazy, so if anyone tries to use me, I will feel annoyed and irritated. Hahahaha. Plus, I hate socializing with strangers who I know I will only disappear after one minute. It is a different case if my friends asked for help.

I think I know what is wrong with me. I find it hard to comprehen anything. My mind seems to always float in the clouds. People tell me stuff and I need to them to repeat before it sinks in and ground me into reality. Im serious. I dont get stuff the first time, especially when it is new information or knowledge. I hate watching movies coz I dont think I know what is happening. I forget very easily what happened one second ago... and then, I get confused. Books, at least I can read the line again and if it boring and tough, I will be staring at the same page for minutes coz my mind is elsewhere and it wouldnt comprehen anything. No wonder I hate analzying.

~~~

I have to add that I went to passion berry today and the yogert was sooo good. Not the yogert drinks. Too sweet.

~~~

My legs are tired. I have been standing for so long, and going to the gym too. Twice in a row. And I play DDR today. I know I have gained all my weight that I lost over two semesters (eight months) in three months. That is why I feel so bad, I decided to hit the gym and quickly build up my stamina to where it was before so that I can lose weight. And hopefully, I will lose pounds in two weeks! Oh, I have to cut down on my snacks too, I guess.

~~~

Oh, I was talking to my brother today. I havent talked to him in a long time. Think months. Maybe nine? I dont know. Well, he told me he's in love so he's getting fat. Whatever! I know it is true. You know, you get lazy and everything, but what! He is fat! Grrr. Can boys please shape up even if someone wants them! Grrrr. My brother used to be soo skinny until he started taking those muscle gaining suppliments and then, my theory is he drank too much, too little exercise, and became fat. Muahahahaha. Stupid brother. Or he wont be as fat now. Muahahahahaha.

~~~

Now that my emotional life is calm and back-to-normal, I realized I dont need to be involved in any relationship. I am fine. More decisions and choices and no pain involved. It is easy to be involve, hard to leave and then, the cycle of the dating life would start. You know how some people need someone by their side, or some who always seem to be dating? Well, I dont want to be in their shoes. I dont want ... to want someone's attention just because I feel lonely or rejected. It would be considered playing (unless they are my good friends), and I dont want to toy with people because in the end, our friendship is affected. Besides, I feel extremely guilty coz I use them w/o them knowing. I stay away now, unless I meet some cute guys, then what can I say? Hahahaha. JK.

~~~

I should be sleeping, but Im not. There are so many random strings of thought running through my mind, like how much I love drinking tea and jobs, school, friends, work, melilea, etc. Argh. Come let me fall asleep and this post wont be so long.

Feeling dizzy.

I feel dizzy. Lightheaded. Weird. Guilty. About jobs and graduate school.

I dont like this feeling at all.

I think my biggest fear is going back, because then, I will never be free again. It is like returning to a cage and having myself shut in.

Yet, the future is murky.

I tread in dark waters.
I walk among strangers.
I live in silence.

~~~

On the other hand, I love my friends. I love them all. Truly. Deeply. Forever.

Hate

If there was one thing I HATE about someone. It is them, lying. LYING. Through their teeth. In front of me. I DETEST those people, especially when I care about them. If they want to break the trust, break it clean, but dont pretend you care and then disappear.

I HATE YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT. HATE.

And the only reason I am able to feel that much is because I actually cared enough.

I dont like people breaking the trust. They break it once. Twice. Thrice. They are gone.

You know what my style is? I will be nice to you, dont worry. I cant help it, but I wont trust you again. At least it will never be the same.

You broke it. You broke it. It is all I can think about now. You broke it. You broke it.

And.

I hate you.

Im sorry. Truly sorry for hating you.

If I am going to cry, just let it be happy tears okay?

Lucky Star

I worked and I made so many mistakes, it is hard to keep up.

I cut my finger with a knife while cutting lemons.

I charged an extra dollar on someone's credit card. I gave him my one dollar I found in my apron that morning. Damn it, but I wanted that dollar!

I spilled a bottle of soya sauce when moving the table to vaccum the carpet. The sauce splashed onto the white wall and dripped into the carpet.

I gave someone a large bowl of Hot and Sour Soup instead of medium, because I thought the bowls were the same size.

From today, tips were reduced to 50 percent of the total instead of 70 percent.

I picked up the habit of killing flies.

There was no milk for thai tea after I finished preparing it for the customer. In the end, I drank it myself. Heck the milk.

I had to work dinner shift because someone was a no show. At least I got a huge tupperware of cashew chicken to take home, but my roommate + friends + me finished everything. You would have thought that they would be full after a buffet meal, but alas, there goes my next day lunch/dinner. Also, the chef decided not to put cashew coz it was expensive. I swear he is kind and everything but what the !!!

~~~

Some interesting facts of my working life.

The first few days, I dont know how to spell "sauce" and "cashew". I wrote "source" and "chashew". Seriously, "cashew" was the worst and I always had to look at the menu to spell it.

I cant count money. I hate coins especially coz they have quarters (25 c), pennies, five cents, one cent. For example, $20 - $ 18.37 = ???? Hello!!! I dont understand!!!

Also, in the case of tips: 70 % of $65 = ???? I thought 6 X 7 = 49. So my tips ended up being 53. I went back home feeling a little weird. Right before I took a nap, I felt compiled to use a calculator. I decided to do the honest thing and give back $7 to the manager the next day.

I hate phone calls, to go, and delivery. You want to eat, you sit down and eat properly and leave me good tips. I want business in my pocket.

I snack all the time on those crispy noodles that are served to all customers. They taste like fried crackers and mm, yummy! Oh, and I used to call them crackers until I learned the correct term. Personally, crackers sounds much nicer that crispy noodles.

It is no wonder I dont lose weight even though I stand and walk around for hours. Damn it. I am the only waitress who gains weight coz I snack and I always eat my lunch or dinner. I can never give up the offer when the chef asks me what I want to eat after my shift is over.

The chef speaks only cantonese or chinese. Frankly, I try to keep out of the kitchen because I get flustered whenever he calls my name to ask me a question.

I dont like speaking to customers. I do my job, get you food and that's it. Small talk is very clumsy for me.

I want my 70% tips back!!!! And I feel hungry again. Grr. I feel hungry all the time.

Mr. Ha

I love talking to old friends.

For hours.

He was gone for almost an entire summer. He was involved in a car crash and he recently contacted me. I was estastic beyond belief.

We talked for hours.

Amazing.

Regrets

I am lying on my bed, with a stuffed nose and an itchy throat, and I am thinking...

Do you know what my biggest regret is?

It is for taking my own sweet time to apply for jobs. Yes. I regret not doing my homework coz now, I have less time to work and less money earned.

Job offers and Msn

Sometimes, I wonder if it is worth it, to get a journalism job for the sake of H1-B visa.

I have been offered a job, but heck, its sales. No one cares about you. All they want is money.

~~~

I woke up today with an apology from someone. I was wondering, "what the .." He didnt even do anything, well, at least not to my knowledge, that is severe enough to warrent a apology from him. Until I opened up my messenger and realized I changed my status back to the one that I used a semester ago.

"I want to believe in something more than just... "

At least there is someone who checks.

Mom's birthday

I just realized I forgot about my mom's birthday.

Damn it!

Now that I live so far away from home, it is harder to remember birthdays especially when they are not on your mind or in your face 24/7.

I always remember my dad's and my birthday first, followed by big brother, little sister and lastly, mom.

Hahaha. So it is no big surprise to know that I forgot her birthday until today...9 days later. And it was only because I was going through my older post where I read about one which said I forgot about my dad's birthday that I suddenly remembered about my mom's, or I would have never thought about it.

I just hope that mom is not too angry. I am not a very good daughter to my parents and I am well aware of that fact. You dont have to tell me.

This is bad. Oh well.

Happy birthday Mom, even if you dont know of the existance of my blog.

Hahahaha.

Moving on

I passed driving two days ago and now, im on to bigger things.

Like finding a job and going for maybe, one? interview and playing rock band.

*sacastically*

Damn, but I swear my life is good.

~~~

In other news, I miss talking to KC.

And, I like playing rock band. So there.

~~~

I dont want to go back home. If possible, I wish to stay on, at least for a little while.

I want to find some hope, elsewhere, but everything is all so uncertain.

I have a time period of currently, less than three months.

If everything fails, I return.

If I find a job, I have a time period of one year and then, I have to go through the waiting process.

If I was cleverER, I will ... just play rock band everyday.

Driving test

I am majorly PISSED.

You hear me.

PISSED!!!!!

I failed driving test coz I did not come to a complete stop!!!

PISSED!!!!

MY FAULT ?? I dont know.

But I swear you can feel my anger. It is just emanating in hot waves from me right now.

I'm on fire and I really need some outlet!!!!

PISSED...!!!

WHY!!!

~~~

Ten minutes later.

Okay, so I think I am alright now. I must not get angry just because I failed my driving test.

Yea man. It is just a tryout.

I am cool. Breathe in, breathe out.

I guess the worst part was I couldnt blame the driving instructor coz he was well, kinda cute looking. Urrgghh..!! And he was nice although extremely picky!!!! I guess I mean... 4 dollars to take the next test?

Well, let's just say its cheaper than paying for driving school.

But boy, I was so pissed....

pls to self: I could use the anger as an experience to put in stories. Title: The cute instructor who failed the cute girl's test.

Yeah man.

Possibilities

I am thinking...maybe there is really no point in staying anymore.

POINTLESS.

I am staying on a 0.01 percent excuse of a wish.

My parents just leave yesterday morning and dad has been planting ideas in my head.

"I want to do my masters in OU."
"But why? It's so far!" said Mom.
"How about spore or australia?" said Dad.

The only reason why I am doing masters is to continue staying in US, oklahoma specifically, or at least, stay away from home. There is really no reason for me to continue my studying if I am going back to spore. But then, I dont mind studying in Australia either, even if Im kinda sick of studying.

There has been recent changes in OPT. If I cant find a job in three months, Im not legal to stay in US. I dont know what to do if I really dont find a job. Like I said, I dont want to go back in three months time. It is too soon!

But then, maybe there is no point in staying in Oklahoma and I should just move on with my life.

Like... do the 360 degrees change. Uproot myself once again and head on in a new direction.

Sometimes, I think if I did that, life would be easier and less painful. There is afterall, no one to consider staying for.

~~~

If I am to go back home to msia, it will be in October. I'll see... I'll see...

Only time will tell...

Worms

I graduated.

Yay.

Fullstop.

~~~

I dont like it when parents come.

I dont think I like talking to them much, even when they mean well.

~~~

I hate feelings.

I never had to deal with it before.

Maybe that's why ... I hate feelings.

I hate worms.

~~~

Amazing

Until yesterday, I never realized how strong my will was.

Amazing.

In order to stick to deadline of finishing my 20 page paper on saturday, I actually started my paper on friday and stayed back in school till saturday to finish it. The paper was due on monday. Mine you, I am so not kidding. I slept on the school couch with the light shinning harshly down on me. It was not fun.

Reasons why I am so amazing.
1) I wrote my paper on a friday!
2) I went to a dinner and had to decline my friend's party to return to school to study at 11pm.
3) I decided not to return home and stay in school to study!
4) I slept at 4 am.
5) I woke up at 10 am and continued my paper!
6) I finished at 4pm. Just right before the MSA bbq!
7) I actually met my own personal deadline!

Now, I must inform you that I am no slacker. I did not purposely wait till friday to start writing the paper. I had 2 projects that I had to finish by tuesday and have a test on monday that i needed to study for. Anyway, long story.

Bascially, I am amazing.

Blah

You know what persistent, perserverance, stamina means?

I do.

I perserved for 4 years ... even when I was living in fear, I did not give up. I subjected myself to torture, abuse, hatred. Probably too weak to give up and say no. A coward.

I perserve now too. In the wrong way. Chasing after a dream that cannot exist.

I have the qualities. I am just using it the wrong way.

If I put the same amount of energy in work and writing, I would be successful. Or at least moderately successful.

I am pretty dumb, I know. At least I am aware of it.

Blah.

Death in dreams

I had the weirdest dream.

I dreamt that I died. But in my dream, I continued living on earth .. like a ghost.

A few hours after my death, I met my roommate, who didnt believe me when I told him I just died. The news hasnt spread yet. I died by a snake bite.

R: You know what to do now right?
Me (Staring at the mirror and washing my hands):What?
R: Start digging.

And the worst part was, I know but I didnt want to do it. I still have so much left on earth that I havent accomplished. I felt as if I just lost everything and there was nothing left for me but to dig.

Dream:

I was eating dinner somewhere by the road...and there was another family a few meter a way. As I made my way back home, the family's snake "chose" me. It flew to my neck and bit me. The newspaper report read that it was unfortunate...

~~~

I really hope I dont die young. After my brush with accident, I woke up feeling extremely terrified, because I know it could happen anytime.

So here I am typing this...because I havent died before, because I still live...

I am going to take a shower now...and then, it is time to do my homework...

It is time to start living life.

-Love-
Me.

Brainwashing

I am brainwashing myself....

BOYS ARE...

JERKS.

JERKS.

JERKS.

That's it.

:)

Fire

I am not going to listen to sweet words.

They dont exist.

Destiny doesnt exist.

I make my own.

If I have to, I will forge my own, with my own strength.

Just because I want to live the life I want.

And I will stand up for myself.

I refused to be stepped over.

I refused to depend on anyone.

I am independent from now on.

I have to stand on my own two feet.

I will accomplish all my goals. Big. Small.

I will not hold back.

I am fire.

And I will blaze.

Over. Finally. Over.

How ironic that my situation has come to this.
It was a dip in the water.
Come and gone so fast, you never even know.
You never cherish, never treated me right.
Up till now, I guess you dont really care. Not 100 percent.
It's stupid, I know, sometimes to think of the future, when none existed.
I stopped thinking of it. Stopped wanting. Stopped dreaming.
And then hope came. And rested its gentle wings on me.

We are walking a different path. I can see it, feel it.
I think you do too. I dont know why, but you never made any effort.
You have greater plans, different from mine.
And I am wasting time, effort and energy just hoping.
I am sacrificing for something that doesnt exist.
I understand now, how someone can fall out and hope again.
I understand now, how you can love again, even though you have been broken.
Because I am going through the very same process.
But I am becoming more cautious now.

I changed.
You made me stronger, in a way.
I no longer believe in happy endings. No fairy tales.
No hollywood.
This is real life.
I cannot depend on anyone. Much less you.
Your promises are empty.
Maybe you meant it, but it cannot happen.
I cannot trust you now, not fully.
I cannot open up to you, for fear of hurting.
I didnt want to walk down this road.

Why didnt we have a happy ending?
But its okay. I have to let go, even if it hurts.
It still hurts especially when you leave me without saying goodbye.
But I finally mean it when I say I am moving on.
I am no longer wishing you called me.
I am no longer hungering for your presence.
It is sad, how it ended.
But you forced it.
I see it in your eyes,
you dont need me.
You dont want me.
Without the connection, we are barely even friends.
We barely talked about deeper issues.
We barely shared our life.
It's over. Everything's over.
There is no use wishing.
I thought I wanted you.
You became comfortable.
You told me months earlier to get go.
Find someone else, you said.
Not now, but down the road, I will.
I have finally found the will to love myself.
Nine days, I suffered.
Aching, dreaming, hoping, haunted.
I wanted to let go so badly,
that I was angry you called, and saw me.
Because I was suppose to withdraw.
It's done and over.

My love has come and gone,
and you never knew nor cherished it.
It's over.



Happy Ending - by Mika

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning,
stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen,
I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning,
something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong,
I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Free

I am thinking of uprooting myself again. To elsewhere.

I am free afterall.

No ties. No one to hold me back.

Free.

~~~

I am thinking of publishing a book.

Hahaha.

What a joke.

But yea, its been on my mind.

If it's not rejected, that is.

Scary thoughts.

CO

Did I forget to mention, oh, I was in Colorado for spring break.

Yup, those were some of the pictures without me or my friends, as usual. Hahaha.

And yea, I went skiing! Go wheeeee down the green slopes (which are the easiest).

~~~

I really dont want school to start.

I wish I could just stay in my room forever.

I like it. No one's at home.

So peaceful, quiet, calm.

Refresh

I think I have withdrawal symptoms.

But it is gone. Finally. I have gotten over all the bad stuff in my life. I am no longer affected by it.

Life is good,

For now.

Holidays have made things easier to bear.

I have found my dreams.

I have refreshed my soul.

I never want to be affected by a person ever again.

I never want my feelings to be dependent on a person's whim.

I never want to be depressed.

I am changing. I will change.

That's why life is good, for now.

I have good friends, who care.

I realized I am different. I am myself.

I must never envy someone else because I am I.

I will be what I want.

I have a will, a spirit, a body, a life of my own.

And I will be me.

It is time for the winds of change.

It blows softly...

I can feel it...

...so gently it lifts my hair.

Slap me, please

Someone please slap me into reality.

Reality is good.

I am free, single and avaliable.

So someone, please slap me again.

And tell me aloud that I am free, single and avaliable.

Gosh, it is taking so long to sink into my brain.

FREE.

SINGLE.

AVALIABLE.

READY TO MINGLE.

Aura, Karma, who knows?

I always had a sense of luck.

If Im feeling negetive, everything bad happened.


If Im feeling positive, everything goes right.

Have you ever been in that situation?


Well, apparently, I was feeling rather down for the last few days. Think depression, but not as bad.


I must have an overwhelming aura of negativity buzzing around me because the next thing I knew, I was in a car accident.


It was almost as if I brought it to myself. Sometimes, I think I did.


I was feeling sorry for myself on sunday and monday because of my fever and I wanted to skip classes so badly that, ok, here you go... Let's get her involved in a car accident.


It was monday night, around 9pm to 910pm. I was on campus. My cousin's car was in a parallel parking on the side of the road. It was dark. I walked over to the passenger's seat without noticing traffic from the other direction. I was feverish and I just wanted to go home. I had my back facing the road and was ready to open the door when suddenly, an SUV/Jeep zoomed past closely and something hard hit my upper back. I fell down at the impact on my butt. My cousin was horrified. I quickly stumbled to the sidewalk, bent over in a squatting position. My small section of my lips were bruised, as well as my butt. My back, of course, hurt the most. I didnt cry. I was more in shock at the situation. The SUV/Jeep had left. My cousin and I didnt take note of the license plate or anything because it was going too fast. According to my cousin, bits of pieces fell of the car. It was a large chunk. Probably the size of a mirror, I suspect since only my upper back got hit, as well as my left shoulder.


My cousin quickly took me to the hospital. I could walk, and move my right hand, but I could not move my left shoulder or my back. I had to walk straight everytime, like a robot. But when I move either arms, my back would hurt again, because of the connecting muscles. So here I was, in the hospital emergency section awaiting my turn for the doctors to look at me. Apparently, they must have thought it was not serious since I wasnt crying and I was walking too. It took 2 hours plus before everything was done, including an X-ray of my back and chest.


The doctors just gave my painkillers and asked me to get it at Walgreens.


Later, the police arrived at my house to get a statement. It was rather late when I finally got to sleep, around 2 am.

So here is my story, lots of bruises. I slept on my right side the entire night and I think my right butt is going to bruise too. Argh.

~~~

I really want to go for japanese class tomorrow, but I dont know. Argh. Thinking about a certain someone makes me depressed and scared because I know all he's going to do is leave and not care. It makes me sad, knowing that the person I care the most doesnt care for me. I know. Life is a bed of roses. I chose the wrong one and now, life is a bitch. No worries. All I need to do is find someone else. Someone better. I know I can do it. I am just waiting for someone.

Sick

I feel sick.

Scratch that.

I am sick.

I am down with the flu, headache, aching bones, a chill.

I am feeling feverish.

It started yesterday morning but I thought I was better today.

Opps, guess not.

I just want to go home and sleep.

Too bad I am stuck in school for the next five hours.

Can someone please save me?

At least I can pity myself.

Poor me.

What a horrible life I lead.

Hahaha.

Heaven

What happened to your heart?

It's gone.

Where did it go?

Heaven.

Why?

Because it died.

I was right.

I was right.

About everything.

I was right.

I figured it all out.

And I analyzed,

Every action,

Every emotion,

My suspicions are corrects.

Everything.

That is why we are on tender ground.

Because now, I dont know what to do too.

I am free.

~~~

You see, he will allow you to do what ever you want.
And it is true. He will go his own way.
He is giving you freedom.
I just dont know what to do with it.

Just drifting, again.

I am silent.

I am just going to ride the waves and let it take me where it will.

And hopefully, I dont sink too deep until I reach the ocean bed.

And if you see me missing,

dont bother.

I am not worth it.

No one cares anyway.

~~~

pls: I am just being dramatic. I am fine. I fall into ditches every now and then.
pls2: I want to be cold. Unfeeling. Insensitive. Carefree.
pls3: I want to be hot, red , emotions, love.
pls4: I want both, but I cannot deal with it, so I dream and hope only the best comes through.

Stupidity

I can finally bear to risk it.

Risk pouring my heart out,

risk everything that I once hold dear,

because I have given up,

and it doesnt matter anymore.

~~~

So this is what it feels like...

to have nothing again.

~~~

I have run out of tears.

I have exhausted my supply of emotions.

~~~

I just want to say,

"Ha, sucker!"

I am just giving ourselves another chance,

to be sure,

that it is over.

I am stupid.

Yeah, sucker.

Reality

Even now, you present me with only one choice.

To leave.

Maybe it is for the best.

If I had any doubts, they are cleared.

If you are only willing to put in one percent, that doesnt give me much hope.

You have been too careless, too carefree.

You take me for granted.

You never understood where I was coming from.

You show concern once in a blue moon.

You go less than a distance.

It is true.

You stop where others will continue.

Everything is for your convienent's sake.

You leave me achorless.

You were never there.

Maybe we built walls too high with each other.

Maybe some of it was partially my fault.

Maybe it is because you do not ask much from me either.

But I cannot deal with you any longer.

I cannot waste my time and energy.

So I thank you, for letting me go easy.

And now, all I can do is breathe.

Love

I should be grateful that...

...my parents still love me, and support me in what I do, even when I am always sully around them.

...my friends stand by me when I need them.

...my life is wonderfully good thus far.

Today, I ...

...made a new friend who took me out for starbucks coffee and dinner at cracker barrel.

...am slowly becoming immune to disappointments and rejections.

...have to buck up on my homework and assignments, like seriously!

...learned that life is not set. I can change it for the better. There are always choices. I can make myself happy. My life is up to me. And I have freedom.

...ate out... my third dinner in a row (dong-a, applebees, cracker barrel) This is amazing! Fattening, but wow, it seldom happens to me, especially when I have people paying for me. ^^


I am so in love...with life. It is beautiful. It is precious. And I am thankful that my parents gave all this to me.

Giving

The more I give,
the more people expect.
And when I pull back,
they get worried.

I think it is good, not to care so much.
Not so care so deeply.
And trust that they are happy.
Because knowing they are happy,
makes me happy too,
and less worried.
So I can get on with my life.

Eat

I think it is a good sign that I am getting back my appetite.

I could finally eat, and eat, and eat happily.

I havent felt that way for a few months.

Or maybe it is because of all the kickboxing workout.

I should go to the gym more often.

Hahahahaha.

Dreams

I had a dream.

And it scared me to pieces.

I dreamt that I was back in malaysia and I was going to go off to my friend's (SY) house in spore, to go on a trip with her dad.

Her dad was going to send someone to pick up me. When he called to say he had sent someone, I said, ok, I will start packing right now. We spoke in chinese. Me in broken chinese. And he seemed displeased because my chinese was so horrible and because I havent started packing. He hung up on me.

And soon, the person came twenty minutes later and I had finished packing. In fact, I just started. I was late. Plus, I had not eaten dinner. We were supposed to go to brazil. And my mom and sister just came back home and they were using the bathroom or disrupting my packing... And I was still packing in a frenzy when I woke up.

Late = one of my greatest nightmare.

Can you imagine the whole dream happened in one and a half hours. So long for such a short description.

I dreamed of something else too.

I dream of chinese shops. Herbal shops.

I thought of busy MRT systems, and a far-away university in england, surrounding by trees high up in a mountain.

~~~

Maybe it all means I need to start studying. Japanese exam is tomorrow and I havent started on anything yet.

I am scared of something. Something strange.

Maybe it is all the school stuff that I need to do, but havent done that is getting into me.

I cannot figure out what I am afraid of. This lingering fear.

~~~

I need a long hot bath to clear my head.

Alone

I fear for myself.

I fear for my future.

I fear for what will happen if I choose you,

because even when Im with you, Im alone.

~~~

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Fool.

To people who couldnt care less:

I am fool.

A BIG FAT FOOL.

I hate me.

Not you, because you have done nothing.

I cannot hate you, when there is only myself to blame.

It is easier to put the blame on myself, because I know myself.

And the only thing I have done wrong was loving you.

Kickboxing

Today, I went for kickboxing class. The first thing the instructor said was, we are going to do advance level now. I am like,"what!" This is only my first time. Instructor asked if there was any newbies, but I didnt raise up my hand though I doubt I was the only one.



It was all good for fifteen minutes, then my legs start to shake and tremble. And I start to worry, because there was still a good forty-five minutes left.



Seeing myself in the room paneled with tall wide mirrors on both sides, I wonder, is that really me?



I scare myself sometimes, because I have lost so much weight since the last semester. I look so fragile, thin, weak. Not exactly what I was looking for. I had a goal, and I surpassed that goal. Aka, I lost more weight than I thought I could possible in my entire life. My weight in now in the range of what I call "I can never be as thin as those girls because it is impossible, my thighs are too fat." Yup, I was recently inducted into their society, and my thighs still look fat.



I dare not look directly at the mirror because my actions looked all awkward, silly, and childish. Instead, I stood behind some ang mo girl, and she was big enough to hide me.



The kickboxing class great. It wasnt as tough as Plyo-edge. I didnt have to jump every second. This is more kicking, and kick I can do.



By the time I went back home and ate dinner, my body was feeling the aftermath of the exercise. I was tired and sleepy. I slept after eating one big bowl of noodles.

Songs

Got it from http://acardia.sg/?p=320#more-320

翻著我們的照片 想念若隱若現
fan zhe wo men de zhao pian / xiang nian ruo yin ruo xian
Flipping through our photographs, thoughts of [you] are visible yet invisible

去年的冬天 我們笑得很甜
qu nian de dong tian / wo men xiao de hen tian
Last year’s winter, we laughed very sweetly

看著妳哭泣的臉, 對著我說再見
kan zhe ni ku qi de lian / dui zhe wo shuo zai jian
Watching your tearstained face, telling me goodbye

來不及聽見　妳已走得很遠
lai bu ji ting jian / ni yi zou de hen yuan
[I] have yet to hear it when you’ve already walked so far

也許妳已經放棄我　也許已經很難回頭
ye xu ni yi jing fang qi wo / ye su yi jing hen nan hui tou
Perhaps you have already given up on me, perhaps it is already very difficult to turn back

我知道是自己錯過　請再給我一個理由說妳不愛我
wo zhi dao shi zi ji cuo guo / qing zai gei wo yi ge li you shuo ni bu ai wo
I know it’s all my fault, please give me another reason, say you don’t love me

就算是我不懂　能不能原諒我
jiu suan shi wo bu dong / neng bu neng yuan liang wo
Even if I don’t understand, can [you] forgive me?

請不要把分手當作妳的請求
qing bu yao ba fen shou dang zuo ni de qing qiu
Please don’t use parting (breakup) as your request

我知道堅持要走 是妳受傷的藉口
wo zhi dao jian chi yao zou / shi ni shou shang de jie kou
I know wanting to go is your wound’s excuse

請妳回頭　我會陪妳一直走到最後
qing ni hui tou / wo hui pei ni yi zhi zou dao zui hou
[Can] you please turn back, I will accompany you until the very end

就算沒有結果　我也能夠承受
jiu suan mei you jie guo / wo ye neng go cheng shou
Even if there is no conclusion, I can still endure

我知道妳的痛　是我給的承諾
wo zhi dao ni de tong / shi wo gei de cheng nuo
I know your pain is the promise I gave

妳說給過我縱容　沉默是因為包容
ni shuo gei guo wo zong rong / chen mo shi yin wei bao rong
You said [you] gave me tolerance, and silence was because of acceptance

如果要走　請妳記得我　如果難過　請妳忘了我
ru guo yao zou / qing ni ji de wo / ru guo nan guo / qing ni wang le wo
If [you] want to go, please remember me, if [you] feel sad, please forget me

~~~

These few days, I was feeling more ... "evanescence - immortals".

~~~

Bad Influence

I think I am under a very bad influence.

Very bad.

Everytime I am around him, I feel depressed. I feel unmotivated. I feel tired. I feel sleepy. I feel lazy. I feel alone. I feel abandoned. I feel like the world stopped.

Everytime I walk out of his shadow, I feel depressed, but only for a while. Then, I am back to my usual cheerpy self. Everytime I see someone happy, I feel happy. It takes away my black mood and restores me to my usual self. I am back on my own path, own dreams, own hopes. The world is no longer against me. It is with me, it is for me, it is mine to conquer.

I used to be the cheerpy one, until I met him, and then it was all downfall. Down through the drains, down through the pipes, down into the sewage, down out to the sea...

I think I influenced him with my happiness. He took it all away, sucked me dry, and left me shriveled and wrinkled.

I used to love my world, and everything in it. I loved it so much. I didnt feel bothered by it. I was living in my dream world.

I know I can get it back - my dream world. I know I can achieve it. I can do it....

It is up to me...to get my life back in order. It is up to me to make myself happy again.

It is my life I am risking. It is my life I am putting on the line.

I have to do focus. I have a plan.

There is only one thing to do.

1) Love myself.

Random strangers

You know what I miss most?

My previous life.

Or rather, my childhood.

All my hopes nestled safely inside me.

And then the real world came,

With all its ugliness.

It threw me into a tornado of destruction,

and revealed pandora's box,

everything stings,

and it leaves my wounds wide open.

And now, salt is applied,

and the sores grows nasty,

but the bandages I bought,

only gave me short relief.

It is like a cycle,

that I sucked into.

My feelings falling into disrepair,

into a deepest chasm,

and the rope is short,

the light is dim,

the ground is cold,

and the tears now falling.

silently, they roll down my cheeks,

and I weeped,

for all those wrong choices I made,

for all those dreams to date,

for all those people I love,

for all those hurt they brought,

I weeped silently,

only my sleeves know,

they bear the mark of sadness,

of greatness destroyed,

of love fleetingly gone,

and hope ...

where did you go?

Pondering

I am waiting...for money to fall from the sky.

I wrote my resume today. It was not that difficult after all. Can you imagine putting it off for a year!

Well, I finally did it. Hurray!

Still, I need to buy a suit and some working clothes and pick up some tips... oh well, the work never ends until I find a job.

There is something bugging me all day today.

I dont know why but it is at the back of my mind, like ... I need to do something but I dont know what it is.

Maybe it is due to the fact that I need to finish my novel, but I havent started and class is tomorrow. Hmph.

Or maybe I need to start designing my website, but I got no clue what to put in. Hmph.

Or maybe it is because I need to file in my graduation by friday and it is not done yet. Hmph.

~~~

Update on my yoga class... The muscles at the back of my thighs are really stretched. I can feel it whenever I walk. Or do you call that a muscle tear? Or a muscle pull? It is not exactly an ache, more a stretch. I am planning to go again on friday. Hehehe.

And I found out that I lost one kg! Hahaha. Hmm. I just wish I could lose more weight in my thigh/butt/tummy area and keep the rest reasonable.

I recently found out that healthy BMI in singapore for girls is 25! In America, it is 30. Shocking news. That means ALL the time I thought my weight was satisfactory in America, it is like ... more towards to fat side in spore. Sigh. Just when I thought I was healthy enough, I have to work a little more extra hard.

Shuumatsu

Friday - Hung out with NK for half a day. Miscommunication. Home alone.

Saturday - Worked in the morning. I went to watch my friend's rugby game for one and a half hour in the cold. Did a little homework. Attended YCS because my friend was dancing in it. Talked to G till 3am.

Sunday - Finished leftover food. Clean the house. Did laundry. Finished website designing. Cant be bothered with reading 30 pages of Aristotle's Poetic.

~~~
I dont really know what to blog about except the weather was really nice today. I could go outside with a shirt and shorts - the reason why I did my laundry. Oh well, it is past due anyway. I havent done my laundry for a month - only because during the holidays, I didnt go out so there wasnt much clothes to wash besides home clothes and I wasnt going to waste my money washing half a basket. Plus, it was really cold.

I had an interesting conversation with G on saturday. Basically, I realised there was so much more to him. He was finally able to express all his concerns because he has finally came clean to me. It is nice to know you have gain a close friend.

~~~
I am tired. And I havent started on Aristotle. I really dont want to read it...

Sigh.

Thinking of it makes me doze off...

Fridays and fitness

I am home ALONE on a Friday night.

Just because someone decided that houston was more exciting!

~~~

Work on Monday is cancelled, just because the labs had to be close for their yearly cleaning! Great. Just when I am seriously desperate for money. Like seriously. I am in debt.

~~~

That means I can get to go for YOGA on monday. Oh, did I tell you I signed up for group fitness which cost $30 per semester and you can go for all kinds of fun classes.

Thursday, I went for Plyo-Edge which is for advanced fitness. I actually wanted to go for kickboxing (more like kickboxing training without the bags) but the class was too full, so I went next door instead.

The HOT, FIT, TALL, YOUNG fitness teacher had us running, jumping over obstacles and hoops, and using fitness balls and mats.

I dont mind everything but I HATE JUMPING. You know, I am short and my legs dont jump well and I dont have good body cordination. BUT, he had us jumping like more than half the class time...!!!!

Jump over the obstacle, jump from hoop to hoop, high leg lift over obstacle, jump forward and backwards over obstacle, bunny hops from one end of the room to another(width), high leg lift from one end of the room to another (width)...ugh!!! And we had to do each one twice.

I sort of thought I was in the ARMY for a period of time, because it was so torturous to me!

I dont mind using the fitness ball and mats, because my abs are pretty strong, or at least I have a high torlerance for abs workout, even though my back is weak. But it only lasted like 15 mins!

Then, there was sprinting too...and I hate sprints.

Remember NAFA test? My weakness is in sprints and jumps! The rest I pretty much scored a five so that I can get a gold. My arms were strong because of judo. I bet it is weak now.

I dont think I will ever go back to Plyo-Edge now...too much jumps! Had to suffer in class for ONE HOUR! My muscles are aching now, but it is not that bad, I was expecting worse.

I remembered the first time after judo class, and a few times during the sec days, I had to put ointment all over my body and my room smelled alcoholic-minty. My body ached so hard, I could barely walk down the stairs. I had to walk down step by step, like an old grandma. And every movement, I could feel my muscles aching. No wonder, every time I FORCED myself to go judo training, I can feel this HUGE FEAR weighing down on me...not for the muscles ache, but because I had to face the training...basically fighting and groundwork wrestling with people bigger than me.

Plyo-Edge kinda reminded me of that...doing all the things I feared/not good at.

Oh well, Monday I will go for YOGA. Thanks to my work-day off.

Selling books online

You know what makes me happy?

Selling books online.

Lately, I have been trying to get rid of all my books so that I have an easier time moving out of my apartment when the time comes. I have "tons" of books, especially storybooks that are incredibly hard to sell online because you have to sell it for 0.01 cent, which means you actually make a lost.

But for those books which are actually sellable aka more than a dollar, I have sold them at a low price and people have been buying them. So far, I have sold about 5 books. Let's hope there's more to go...

Makes my heart sing everytime I received a confirmation email saying "SOLD NOW...PLEASE SHIP..."

It doesnt matter that I am earning a few cents or dollars, but the thought of clearing out those books just makes me happy.

Sell books sell!

Besides, I desperately need the cash. Hahaha. Seriously, I am bankrupt until my pay check or my transfer from the saving account comes into my checking account. For now, I will barely scrape past paying my january bills.

pls: FYI, I dont buy padded envelope to put my books in. Instead, I wrapped it up with 2-4 sheets of white paper that I grabbed from the computer lab. Always double layer. That actually helps me to earn a few cents or I would have just suffered a lost, especially for books that I sell super cheap. Think from a dollar to five.

Life as it is

I cannot believe I almost missed my class.

I reached school just in time to see my professor for the last 5-10 minutes.

What happened was I thought my class was from 1030am to 1100am.

Nope. It was from 10am to 1030am.

I was on my way to the bus stop at 1010am before I realized my mistake...

Shucks.

~~~

My life is ... monotonous for the moment.

Lots of I need to start working on my project and start studying japanese and start writing again.

But other than that, my life is ...dull...

Of course, I need to write my resume too and attend workshops, I guess.

I dont think I like the post-graduation life.

On the other hand, one of my friend (not close) is going to boston to take some summer classes in harvard. She is planning to rent an apt so I might just head down to boston after graduation and explore NY on the way too...

I was thinking of going to japan for a summer class, but it is too much trouble with the immigration especially since I am graduating...so there's the problem with the visa and etc.

Boston and NY doesnt sound too bad. I'll see...

:)

X

Want to know something really interesting?

My personal life is a BIG FAT JOKE.

That's right.

I am X - the changable, the variable.

I am a puppet, just discarded.

I am shaking off the strings, and picking myself up.

I am learning to walk again.

I am X.

Who am I?

~~~

I feel as if I have been sucked dry.

As if I have reached the limit.

I feel as if I have been waiting for the longest time,

but the wait is over.

And now, there is nothing else I can do,

but to start over.

The storm has vanished,

and the sea is peaceful once again.

I have been in turbulance,

and it is gone.

I cannot change what I cannot change,

but I can accept and live with it,

and my life will continue another path,

because one window has closed,

so another will open...

and I will live again,

in happiness and hope.

Spektor

Recently, I am feeling rather Regina Spektor.

If you havent heard her music, go listen to it.

It is happy, sad, high and low all at the same time. It is wrenching and soulful and heartful and all the wonderful things poured into it.

The best part is, I liked all of her music and if you go to her website and click on radio, you can hear all her works.

http://www.reginaspektor.com/index2.html

Risk

You know what really scares me...

Getting a good job offer in another state and I turn it down.

Of course, it hasnt happened yet.

I havent even gone for any job interviews.

But if the above happened, I dont know what I should do.

Take it or lose it, I have to risk something either way.

I am torn.

No wonder it depresses me so.

I am weighing the scales and it is a 50%-50% happiness.

I cannot win.

~~~

Sometimes, it is true, I feel that I have suffered for long, even though it has only been months. Hahaha. Hmm, oh wait, that IS long.

Depression.

And just as I am depressed, I bounced up easily. And then I fall again.

Every single day, it is like a cycle. Up down up down up down.

I took an online quiz and it said I suffer from major depression.

I think too much. I analyse myself and others too deeply. Every action, every move I take notice and I run through it in my head, giving it several good AND bad reasons why it is like this or that. I never use to do that, only recently.

This is the greatest advantage and disadvantage of a libra - the weighing scale.

I see the good and bad side and I still cannot figure out the meaning, nor can I decide. I am confounded and stuck.

And just like how I get depress real easily these days (I figure it is because I am overtuning into someone's personality. I am too easily influenced) I am able to bounce up as fast as I fall down.

It is confusing me too much. Everything is a mess. My life is a MESS.

I know it is NOT a big mess. But my inability to make decisions is making it a big mess. Once I make a decision, I seldom waver. But I cant now, because I fear of risking...

I want to be happy. But I dont know which decision to follow that will secure my happiness.

One day, when I am secure and happy in life, I will look back and laugh at all that I have gone through this instant.

I like the feeling of being disinterest. I wish I am disinterested because it makes life so much easier to live in. Disinterested and unattached to anything. Then I can make long-term decisions immediately. Disinterested is better than attachment. Attachment, I can break.

Attachment and Interest is hard to break, while Attachment and Disinterested is so much easier to break. So I want to be in the latter section.

Sometimes, I feel relief, just thinking about breaking the attachment. Relief from all those thousand of thoughts running through my head. I cannot deal with those. They pain me, always. But I dont know if I should break the attachment. I am unsure, uncertain. I want my old life. The life where I had such great dreams and hope and positivity before everything started.

Why am I so nice? Why do I keep all my destress to myself just to accomodate another person? Why do I not lash out and stand on my own? Why am I so afraid of hurting others, that I would sacrifice myself instead? It stinks, doesnt it. STINKS.


Man, all this thinking is making me sad. I was happy before all the thinking started.

Goodbye.

Dont read my blog if you want happy news.

I will try for a happy post a year later.

I wish I am MAD. MAD will be a welcome relief from depression.

I HATE THINKING. STOP BRAIN. STOP.

Ugh

I keep denying it...

MY HOMEWORK, I mean.

Like for example, I have readings, papers, quiz, tests and I just keep denying it.

I want to lead a carefree life.

The truth is, my denial is giving me headaches.

Why do I procastinate so? I suffer much.

~~~

I think leading a single life is the BEST.

Seriously.

Singles have freedom. Power. And best of all, DREAMS.

Because nothing is reality, and everything a possibility, they are able to dream.

I think I just loss my ability to dream.

It is depressing when my dreams are gone.

Sometimes, you wonder, if you had walked so-and-so path, where would you be?

Sometimes you regret never havent taken the path.

Sometimes you regret taking the path.

Sometimes you learn even if the path is destroyed.

Sometimes, I wish, life wasnt so complicated.

Sometimes I wish ...

Ugh. Stop.

Everything

I cant be bothered anymore.
Sometimes I wonder...why do I care?

It is so f***ing annoying/depressing to go through multiple dissapointments, all from the same source.

I think I made another mistake. I am such a fool.

I feel so constricted everytime after coming into contact with the source.

I just want to forget everything. Every single happening. Every single memory. Everything.

Overwhelmed.

You know, sometimes, my parents think I have no friend. Or rather, I do not open up to people, and I tend to keep things to myself.

My mom said once that I have no friends, because I am always at home.

Sometimes, I think she's right. Other times, I just brush aside her comment. Parents dont know me.

Last semester and this semester is pretty taxing on me.

I have a first time for everything that goes wrong.

First time getting an overdraft.

First time getting charged on my credit card for something I didnt buy.

First time juggling school work and troubled relationship.

First time trying to find a job and going for interviews, which I havent done yet.

First time I would have to drive a car, which I havent dont yet.

First time I have to move elsewhere that I have no clue.

First time I have to face so much decisions.

First time is overwhelming.

I feel like breaking down, until I remember my father's calm face, his rational behaviour, his apparent sadness in bad times, his support, his care, his love, and then I remember that my life is not so overwhelming.

Decisions

How can life go from so much happiness to saddness and back over again?

How can my mood changes so quickly...

from helplessless, to secure, to insecurity, to depression, to happiness, to anxiety, to worry, to a sense of blackness...to want to stop...everything...just stop...because my heart is torn.

how can I be confounded with so much decisions that it breaks my heart and makes me depressed, just to decide...

So much decisions....

if only my future is known...

how much less painful it will be...

it breaks my heart so...

just to decide...

and wonder if there is any hope and happiness at the end of the road...

That is what I am aiming for....

hope and happiness at the end of the road, but will my decisions be true or will they turn ugly?


~~~

I was trying to find a happy uplifting song from the sound of music when I came across this song...

You by Jim Brickman and Tara MacLean

I never felt alone, I was happy on my own.
And who would ever know there was something missing?
I guess I didn't see the possibility, it was waiting all the time,
but it never crossed my mind, till you opened up my eyes.

Now all I think about is you, in my life, in my dreams,
in my heart I know it's true that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms, I have everything
and now I can't imagine what I'd do without you.

I never thought love could be such a curiousity.
What attracted you to me was so unexpected,
but it was waiting all of the time and it never
crossed my mind, till you opened up my eyes.

Now I all I think about is you, in my life, in my dreams,
in my heart I know it's true, that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms, I have everything
and now I can't imagine what I'd do without you.

You, in my life, in my dreams, in my heart,
I know it's true that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms,
I have everything and now I can't imagine what i'd do.

Without you, in my life, in my dreams, in my heart
I know it's true, that I belong with you.
Because of you in my world, in my arms, I have everything
and now I can't imagine what i'd do.
I can't imagine what i'd do.. Without you...

Continuing from last semester

100 pages of my best work.

Great.

This sucks.

How much does it sucks?

Neverending.

Hate school.

Can you hear me?

Hate.

Hate.

Hate.

Gosh, there is so much hatred inside.

And I am starting to feel depressed.

This tighening around my head never stops.

It is there, day and night.

Even in my dreams.

I just need hope.

Hope.

Hope.

Hope.

Need to find some...everyday...

because I am stuck between breaking down and growing strong.

I am in this in-between space, that I want to break down, but I cannot.

I want to find relieve, but it isnt there.

That is what hurts most.

Relieve isnt there.

SCAMERS.

I hate scamers.

Hate scamers.

DO NOT CALL ME.

SCAM.

SCAM.

SCAM.

HATE.

YOU.

WITH.

A.

PASSION.

Over

I hate liers.

HATE LIERS.

and cowards.

HATE.

HATE.

HATE.

If you dont know what you want, let me decide for you.

It is complicated huh.

I know. Been there. Done that.

And it is a relieve when everything is over.

Relieve until you came along...

with your complications as an attention seeker.

You are weak, because you cannot decide.

Those that cannot decide, will lose everything.

As I said, been there, done that.

Over.

Where are you?

His cellphone is dead.

He doesnt go online.

I am not close to his other friends and they seem to be living their own life.

What happens ... when someone disappears without a notice.

ONE day... two, three , four , five ...

What happens ... ?

Each day passes and I am getting increasingly worried and sick to the pit of my stomach.

I have never known someone to be so cut off from the rest of the world, especially when all his friends and family are here.

Where else can he be that he cannot even connect to the internet?

This is so unlike him...

Where are you?

Shocker

A good friend of mine just dumped a great big news on me.

It was a shocker.

But its okay.

I have always treated him as a good friend.

And I am glad he trusted me enough to tell me his BIG news.

~~~

On another note, my phone vibrated...

And I didnt pick it up coz I didnt know.

It's an unknown call...

And its killing me, because I want to know WHO CALLED ME.

It is not a compulsion of mine to pick up every unknow call...but I have been waiting for news on a certain someone.

I have thus changed the sound mode on melody.

Call me back, whoever you are!

Me

I think there is a reason why I dont want any relative, especially sibling, to be connected to me on facebook.

I dont want news of what I have been doing to spread, even if I am doing nothing wrong.

I just hate it when my parents or anyone questions me about etc, etc, etc.

I know it must have hurt them that I never tell them anything, almost like their daughter never exist, but I still dont tell them a thing. I dont like people prying into my life. I dont like people understanding me because I feel trapped in a stereotype, an image. It makes me conform to their image and I find it hard to break out of convention when I need/feel like it.

That's why I hate the phone. I hate it when they call me because I have nothing to say.

And they ask such irritating and irrelevant questions like:

-please eat more meat, what you cook, how do you go to Walmart, have you done your laundry, can you please check out the price of xxx, etc, etc, who did you go out with, what is your friend's name...

I just dislike parent's curiosity and I hate telling them the answers too, because it is so redundant, boring, old news, "stupid" in a sense that those questions are meaningless and frivolous to me.

It makes me wanna just burst when they ask, because HELLO! I have been handling myself for so many years, on my own, so what is the difference between now and then? Just hearing their voices, seeing them makes me want to cringe because my peace disappears.

There is a reason why I like staying in my room, with just my own thoughts to occupy me, because I treasure the thinking, not the talking. I like the silence. It is peaceful, and in touch with my soul. Anything is possible. I can change, I can dream. It is my wonderland.

My parents voices are like the opposite. They bring intrusion into my private space.

My friends are different. They bring me news, updates and nothing more. I dont mind them calling because it gets me out into the world and keep me from boredom.

I am an extremely private person and extremely vague at times. Everything I write are my thoughts and not actions.

I hate publicising - the reason why my blog is so boring, so void of pictures.

To be fair, I keep to myself whenever I can and so far, I havent regretted it.

About the facebook and letting relatives connect to me, I think I will eventually fall victim to it.

I just hate disappointing the young ones, especially when they look up to you. Makes me feel sick.

Edit: Relatives on facebook? No way.

Highs and Lows

My feelings are going through a really tough time.

It practically changes every 5 - 30 mins.

Here goes a list of emotions I have been through.

Happiness
Depressed
Anxiety
Worry
Emotionless

Most of the time, it lands on anxiety/worry/depressed.

Sometimes, it swings up to happiness, emotionless, but it doesnt last long.

I am wondering what all these highs and lows are going to do with my health.

Insanity

I really think I am bordering on insanity.

Or maybe, Im WAY off into the deep end.

I need to widen my interest. I need to focus somewhere...think something...before I go crazy.

Really, I hate it when Im in this situation.

Hate it.

Hate it.

Hate it.

Weird dreams

I have the weirdest dreams...

One of which I remember involved my msian neighbor.

Every holiday, when I was back in msia, I used to peep out the balcony window or my parent's window when I hear the sound of neighbor's gate opening so that I can see their faces, or rather, my same-age-opposite-sex neighbor-who-used-to-be-my-schoolmate-and-playmate.

Of course, it was tough spotting him. Sometimes, it was his mom/dad/younger brother.

Anyway, it was fun for me just to spot him because I was curious about how he grew up to be. We share a similar pathway, but never intersecting.

Till now, sometimes, I dream of him. He represents my past, my childhood, my first few years in msia. We haven't seen each other for years. We might as well be strangers. Occasionally, I wonder what it will be like, if we bumped into each other. I doubt he ever thought of me. The reason I guess I still think about him is because our moms interact once in a blue moon. Or maybe she got the news from the tuition teacher which my younger sister and his younger brother share.

I dont really know but he just started studying in U.S. Strange huh. For a guy, who is super smart and talented, he kinda stopped JC, went to a msia college, now on to U.S.

And to think I used to wonder what happens if he enrolled in the same university as I was in. Not that far-fetched, because he is now in a U.S. university.

I kind of miss him, really. I wonder how he's like now. The memories in my head are him from 11 to 15. We grew distant after that. You know, puberty and stuff. Haha.

Ten years is a long time, and we are still neighbors. I really wonder what's going on in his life, because I hope to meet him one day. I still wear a rose-colored glasses when I think of him. He never grew up, and I still see him standing there in my mind, with a white colored school uniform, spectacles, pale smooth skin, deep dark eyes, and a fringe that falls across the eyes.

Will

You know, if I convinced myself, maybe it will become true.

That's what I've been betting on for the entire two months.

I'm counting on my will to get me through.

It is not so bad, just tough.

What a joke.

It is destructive.

The current is fierce.

But I'm holding on to my WILL.

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS BLACK CLOUD.

Eventually.

2008

Happy New Year 2008.

I am coming into the year...

with a lot of ...

UNCERTAINTY.

Hope

I realised there are many problems in life, that I am just touching upon.

Those problems, I am starting to encounter, I wished I didnt have to go through with it.

I guess I had too high an expectation.

Really high.

And now, it is gone.

Because you see, I have lost much hope.

And those problems, will likely continue. I will stumble upon them repeatedly. But for now, I think I need a break.

A long one.

Hopefully, I will learn to deal with them with the time comes.

MAD

I am MAD!!! And UPSET!!!

At everything.

I am MAD.

Because...

I misplaced my Student ID.

and ROCKY relationshipS.

Warning: At your own risk...

If you really want to know, Nivla...

The top, back and side of my head hurts. It feels blocked and the weight of the tension is pressing down so hard that I cannot eat, drink, sleep or cry. The pain is traveling to my tip of my eyes. I am choking so hard, it cuts off my blood to my brain cells. I have to stop and focus or I cannot read, write or talk. Each step is an effort, to swallow the pain and continue on. Each step is a journey that I am struggling alone. The pressure is contricting my throat and pressing. So much pressure.

It is almost as if I am going out of my way to avoid a certain something from happening and the effort is hurting my brain. I am avoiding and it is so hard, because my future is bleak.

This is what I call emotional pain.

Together with a paper that I am supposed to start, I feel burned out, guilt, stressed, and fear.

Lots of fear.

So much that my body trembles and my hands shake when I want to start writing.

I fear a lot of things.

My papers, my life, my future.

I fear for them all and it is making me sick.

I need a breather. I want everything to be over. The exams, the papers, the games.

Just tell me, because I cannot let go, until you say the word.

~~~

Every smile and word, I force.

Every force is pain.

Every pain increases pressure.

Every second, it grows.

Every growth leads to a breakdown.

But it has not happened.

I tried, but the tears refused to fall.

And the pressure keeps building.

And the cycle repeats.

~~~

I cannot speak a word of the pain.

I cannot, but the person inside is crying, and is putting on a brave front. Are you happy, because she is happy. She really is.

She wants peace, just for a little while. Will you bring peace?

Give her grace, happiness, fill her with sunshine, happy thoughts and wonders of the world.

Fill her, because she is crying and there is no one around to help. She can call no one for help, because she doesnt want to become a burden. She is trying to make them happy, but she is failing and it is eating her inside. Every step, the pain. The deadline nears, the relationship falls and the communication breaks down, the clock is ticking, the pain grows but try as hard as she could, she couldnt cry. She is blocked and there is no released.

She feels stoned. Really STONED.

Edit : I will be alright for a brief period of time. Music calms my soul. I am insecure, because of something occupying my mind 24/7, and I didnt voice my thoughts. I needed an outlet. I thought about spilling my guts out in a confrontational discussion way, but it is not the time yet. Everything is so fragile that I have to tred lightly. I just need to believe, trust, and see the big picture, but it is so difficult. When is the time to be honest and spill? I will never know.

Cracked.

I really tried.

I really did.

But I couldnt cry.

Even if I wanted to.

The tears are all dried up.

Good bye

I don't really care anymore.

If someone really cares, the person should be here.

But I guess not.

In that case, I am worrying myself over nothing.

Good ridiculance and GOOD BYE.

Flabbergasted

She knows.

How did she know?

And I thought I kept it all hushed.

I even tried to hide the evidence.

"So it is official?" she asked.

I didnt reply her nor did I deny it.

To be honest, I was too shocked and embarrassed.

But yes, it is official.

Black Friday

Just getting out of Norman on Black Friday was fun.

The shopping was fun too. I bought nothing.

Savings = 100 percent.

I wish I could say the same for my camera though.

It broke.

In the dying dusk, my friend turned to me and said, "Dont you wish it was black friday today?"

Then I could have bought a new camera earlier ... at a better price.

Ask

My life, is a mess.

A big mess.

That I dont know what to do about.

~~~
Thanksgiving is starting this week!

Wheeeee!

I will have so much food to eat!

And a long holiday too, starting from wed to sun!

I am so looking forward.

I dont know what to do for thanksgiving.

Should I travel to texas or go to my friend's house to celebrate thanksgiving?

I can always travel to texas. And I want to go to my friend's house at the same time.

But my friend havent brought up the question since the first time it was asked. And now, I am left hanging. Do I wait for my friend to ask or do I just assume that it was a forget-it question?

Hmph.

I hate asking.

Asking.

I either have it or I dont.

I have already sent the message, but who knows?

Should I be upset if I dont have it?

Should I be sad, if the other isnt?

I dont think so.

Darn it.

I hate waiting.

It's a bunch of nerves.

I feel like I'm wearing the pants, and I dont know whether to be happy or sad.

Misunderstanding

I know...

Miscommunication = so tough.

Especially when it's just starting.

~~~

I like your new car, D.W.

I didnt know we were still so familiar with each other. Is it because of our past?

Strangely, I was thinking of you when you called. Gave me a fright. But its just to show off your new car... hehehe :)

I hate games.

Dont all of us hate games.

But most of all, I hate it when I am at a disadvantage.

When I cannot read the person.

And the guessing game begins.

But I hate it.

And I want to stop it.

Make it go away.

This feeling of wanting.

Fly free.

Are we?

No.

No.

Remember?

We said no.

Bare

It is so hard to write when you think people you dont want reading your blog, suddenly stumbled upon it and figured out, 'Hey, its you.'

I pray that doesnt happen to me.

I can hear my fingers frantically pressing the edit button.

Edit > Draft.

Edit > Draft.

Suddenly, the blog seems so bare.

Girls and Weight

It took me so long, but I finally did it.

I got my weight to go down back to my upper secondary school days. I have been maintaining my weight for the past five years, so its really good to know I can still lose weight again! I hope I can maintain that weight now.

The difference is not a lot, but it shows I can do it!

Now, I am aiming to go back to my weight in my lower secondary school days. It is really not a lot of difference, about two kg, but it is just so hard for me to lose even a small amount.

I mean, I havent grown taller, but my weight has increases steadily. So really, going back to my weight in lower secondary is a possibility and a dream! Hehehe.

I doubt no one will notice, but at least it makes me and my jeans happy!

PLS: I hate the question, "Am I Fat?" No matter how fat I think I am, I would never ask it, except to my cousin, coz we are family and family always give good criticizim, even when you dont want to hear it. I always simply state if the occasion is right, "I think I grow fat already".

How do I know? Jeans, people. My jeans. Trust me, if it doesnt fit nicely, its time to hit the gym at least three times before my jeans can fit snugly again.

Note: According to me = fat = unnecessary weight gain = not in my best shape. Not overweight. I hate to say fat and then people would think, "Oh, but you look okay." I just want to be fit. Cant help it, especially once you know you were fit, with all those gold medal for fitness test :) I always score in my running and flexibility and sit up. Dont ask about running, I have no clue especially now that I take such a long time to run 2.4, it makes me wonder how I accomplish it under 12 minutes during high school. Shuttle run and jumping are my worse event. I cant sprint or jump.

My brother always says, "D, you are so fat!" And then he will hit my thighs with the back of his hand and make it juggle. -_-

Well, to console myself, I went back home last winter and he is now so fat! Ahahahaha. He has become flabby. To much protein shake and not enough exercise. Damn plump now lah he, compared to how skinny he was last time. He's been going to the neighborhood gym, but I havent seen him in a long while. It's okay. I will still say, "USELESS LAH". Bleh.