Reality

Even now, you present me with only one choice.

To leave.

Maybe it is for the best.

If I had any doubts, they are cleared.

If you are only willing to put in one percent, that doesnt give me much hope.

You have been too careless, too carefree.

You take me for granted.

You never understood where I was coming from.

You show concern once in a blue moon.

You go less than a distance.

It is true.

You stop where others will continue.

Everything is for your convienent's sake.

You leave me achorless.

You were never there.

Maybe we built walls too high with each other.

Maybe some of it was partially my fault.

Maybe it is because you do not ask much from me either.

But I cannot deal with you any longer.

I cannot waste my time and energy.

So I thank you, for letting me go easy.

And now, all I can do is breathe.

Love

I should be grateful that...

...my parents still love me, and support me in what I do, even when I am always sully around them.

...my friends stand by me when I need them.

...my life is wonderfully good thus far.

Today, I ...

...made a new friend who took me out for starbucks coffee and dinner at cracker barrel.

...am slowly becoming immune to disappointments and rejections.

...have to buck up on my homework and assignments, like seriously!

...learned that life is not set. I can change it for the better. There are always choices. I can make myself happy. My life is up to me. And I have freedom.

...ate out... my third dinner in a row (dong-a, applebees, cracker barrel) This is amazing! Fattening, but wow, it seldom happens to me, especially when I have people paying for me. ^^


I am so in love...with life. It is beautiful. It is precious. And I am thankful that my parents gave all this to me.

Giving

The more I give,
the more people expect.
And when I pull back,
they get worried.

I think it is good, not to care so much.
Not so care so deeply.
And trust that they are happy.
Because knowing they are happy,
makes me happy too,
and less worried.
So I can get on with my life.

Eat

I think it is a good sign that I am getting back my appetite.

I could finally eat, and eat, and eat happily.

I havent felt that way for a few months.

Or maybe it is because of all the kickboxing workout.

I should go to the gym more often.

Hahahahaha.

Dreams

I had a dream.

And it scared me to pieces.

I dreamt that I was back in malaysia and I was going to go off to my friend's (SY) house in spore, to go on a trip with her dad.

Her dad was going to send someone to pick up me. When he called to say he had sent someone, I said, ok, I will start packing right now. We spoke in chinese. Me in broken chinese. And he seemed displeased because my chinese was so horrible and because I havent started packing. He hung up on me.

And soon, the person came twenty minutes later and I had finished packing. In fact, I just started. I was late. Plus, I had not eaten dinner. We were supposed to go to brazil. And my mom and sister just came back home and they were using the bathroom or disrupting my packing... And I was still packing in a frenzy when I woke up.

Late = one of my greatest nightmare.

Can you imagine the whole dream happened in one and a half hours. So long for such a short description.

I dreamed of something else too.

I dream of chinese shops. Herbal shops.

I thought of busy MRT systems, and a far-away university in england, surrounding by trees high up in a mountain.

~~~

Maybe it all means I need to start studying. Japanese exam is tomorrow and I havent started on anything yet.

I am scared of something. Something strange.

Maybe it is all the school stuff that I need to do, but havent done that is getting into me.

I cannot figure out what I am afraid of. This lingering fear.

~~~

I need a long hot bath to clear my head.

Alone

I fear for myself.

I fear for my future.

I fear for what will happen if I choose you,

because even when Im with you, Im alone.

~~~

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Fool.

To people who couldnt care less:

I am fool.

A BIG FAT FOOL.

I hate me.

Not you, because you have done nothing.

I cannot hate you, when there is only myself to blame.

It is easier to put the blame on myself, because I know myself.

And the only thing I have done wrong was loving you.

Kickboxing

Today, I went for kickboxing class. The first thing the instructor said was, we are going to do advance level now. I am like,"what!" This is only my first time. Instructor asked if there was any newbies, but I didnt raise up my hand though I doubt I was the only one.



It was all good for fifteen minutes, then my legs start to shake and tremble. And I start to worry, because there was still a good forty-five minutes left.



Seeing myself in the room paneled with tall wide mirrors on both sides, I wonder, is that really me?



I scare myself sometimes, because I have lost so much weight since the last semester. I look so fragile, thin, weak. Not exactly what I was looking for. I had a goal, and I surpassed that goal. Aka, I lost more weight than I thought I could possible in my entire life. My weight in now in the range of what I call "I can never be as thin as those girls because it is impossible, my thighs are too fat." Yup, I was recently inducted into their society, and my thighs still look fat.



I dare not look directly at the mirror because my actions looked all awkward, silly, and childish. Instead, I stood behind some ang mo girl, and she was big enough to hide me.



The kickboxing class great. It wasnt as tough as Plyo-edge. I didnt have to jump every second. This is more kicking, and kick I can do.



By the time I went back home and ate dinner, my body was feeling the aftermath of the exercise. I was tired and sleepy. I slept after eating one big bowl of noodles.

Songs

Got it from http://acardia.sg/?p=320#more-320

翻著我們的照片 想念若隱若現
fan zhe wo men de zhao pian / xiang nian ruo yin ruo xian
Flipping through our photographs, thoughts of [you] are visible yet invisible

去年的冬天 我們笑得很甜
qu nian de dong tian / wo men xiao de hen tian
Last year’s winter, we laughed very sweetly

看著妳哭泣的臉, 對著我說再見
kan zhe ni ku qi de lian / dui zhe wo shuo zai jian
Watching your tearstained face, telling me goodbye

來不及聽見　妳已走得很遠
lai bu ji ting jian / ni yi zou de hen yuan
[I] have yet to hear it when you’ve already walked so far

也許妳已經放棄我　也許已經很難回頭
ye xu ni yi jing fang qi wo / ye su yi jing hen nan hui tou
Perhaps you have already given up on me, perhaps it is already very difficult to turn back

我知道是自己錯過　請再給我一個理由說妳不愛我
wo zhi dao shi zi ji cuo guo / qing zai gei wo yi ge li you shuo ni bu ai wo
I know it’s all my fault, please give me another reason, say you don’t love me

就算是我不懂　能不能原諒我
jiu suan shi wo bu dong / neng bu neng yuan liang wo
Even if I don’t understand, can [you] forgive me?

請不要把分手當作妳的請求
qing bu yao ba fen shou dang zuo ni de qing qiu
Please don’t use parting (breakup) as your request

我知道堅持要走 是妳受傷的藉口
wo zhi dao jian chi yao zou / shi ni shou shang de jie kou
I know wanting to go is your wound’s excuse

請妳回頭　我會陪妳一直走到最後
qing ni hui tou / wo hui pei ni yi zhi zou dao zui hou
[Can] you please turn back, I will accompany you until the very end

就算沒有結果　我也能夠承受
jiu suan mei you jie guo / wo ye neng go cheng shou
Even if there is no conclusion, I can still endure

我知道妳的痛　是我給的承諾
wo zhi dao ni de tong / shi wo gei de cheng nuo
I know your pain is the promise I gave

妳說給過我縱容　沉默是因為包容
ni shuo gei guo wo zong rong / chen mo shi yin wei bao rong
You said [you] gave me tolerance, and silence was because of acceptance

如果要走　請妳記得我　如果難過　請妳忘了我
ru guo yao zou / qing ni ji de wo / ru guo nan guo / qing ni wang le wo
If [you] want to go, please remember me, if [you] feel sad, please forget me

~~~

These few days, I was feeling more ... "evanescence - immortals".

~~~

Bad Influence

I think I am under a very bad influence.

Very bad.

Everytime I am around him, I feel depressed. I feel unmotivated. I feel tired. I feel sleepy. I feel lazy. I feel alone. I feel abandoned. I feel like the world stopped.

Everytime I walk out of his shadow, I feel depressed, but only for a while. Then, I am back to my usual cheerpy self. Everytime I see someone happy, I feel happy. It takes away my black mood and restores me to my usual self. I am back on my own path, own dreams, own hopes. The world is no longer against me. It is with me, it is for me, it is mine to conquer.

I used to be the cheerpy one, until I met him, and then it was all downfall. Down through the drains, down through the pipes, down into the sewage, down out to the sea...

I think I influenced him with my happiness. He took it all away, sucked me dry, and left me shriveled and wrinkled.

I used to love my world, and everything in it. I loved it so much. I didnt feel bothered by it. I was living in my dream world.

I know I can get it back - my dream world. I know I can achieve it. I can do it....

It is up to me...to get my life back in order. It is up to me to make myself happy again.

It is my life I am risking. It is my life I am putting on the line.

I have to do focus. I have a plan.

There is only one thing to do.

1) Love myself.

Random strangers

You know what I miss most?

My previous life.

Or rather, my childhood.

All my hopes nestled safely inside me.

And then the real world came,

With all its ugliness.

It threw me into a tornado of destruction,

and revealed pandora's box,

everything stings,

and it leaves my wounds wide open.

And now, salt is applied,

and the sores grows nasty,

but the bandages I bought,

only gave me short relief.

It is like a cycle,

that I sucked into.

My feelings falling into disrepair,

into a deepest chasm,

and the rope is short,

the light is dim,

the ground is cold,

and the tears now falling.

silently, they roll down my cheeks,

and I weeped,

for all those wrong choices I made,

for all those dreams to date,

for all those people I love,

for all those hurt they brought,

I weeped silently,

only my sleeves know,

they bear the mark of sadness,

of greatness destroyed,

of love fleetingly gone,

and hope ...

where did you go?

Pondering

I am waiting...for money to fall from the sky.

I wrote my resume today. It was not that difficult after all. Can you imagine putting it off for a year!

Well, I finally did it. Hurray!

Still, I need to buy a suit and some working clothes and pick up some tips... oh well, the work never ends until I find a job.

There is something bugging me all day today.

I dont know why but it is at the back of my mind, like ... I need to do something but I dont know what it is.

Maybe it is due to the fact that I need to finish my novel, but I havent started and class is tomorrow. Hmph.

Or maybe I need to start designing my website, but I got no clue what to put in. Hmph.

Or maybe it is because I need to file in my graduation by friday and it is not done yet. Hmph.

~~~

Update on my yoga class... The muscles at the back of my thighs are really stretched. I can feel it whenever I walk. Or do you call that a muscle tear? Or a muscle pull? It is not exactly an ache, more a stretch. I am planning to go again on friday. Hehehe.

And I found out that I lost one kg! Hahaha. Hmm. I just wish I could lose more weight in my thigh/butt/tummy area and keep the rest reasonable.

I recently found out that healthy BMI in singapore for girls is 25! In America, it is 30. Shocking news. That means ALL the time I thought my weight was satisfactory in America, it is like ... more towards to fat side in spore. Sigh. Just when I thought I was healthy enough, I have to work a little more extra hard.

Shuumatsu

Friday - Hung out with NK for half a day. Miscommunication. Home alone.

Saturday - Worked in the morning. I went to watch my friend's rugby game for one and a half hour in the cold. Did a little homework. Attended YCS because my friend was dancing in it. Talked to G till 3am.

Sunday - Finished leftover food. Clean the house. Did laundry. Finished website designing. Cant be bothered with reading 30 pages of Aristotle's Poetic.

~~~
I dont really know what to blog about except the weather was really nice today. I could go outside with a shirt and shorts - the reason why I did my laundry. Oh well, it is past due anyway. I havent done my laundry for a month - only because during the holidays, I didnt go out so there wasnt much clothes to wash besides home clothes and I wasnt going to waste my money washing half a basket. Plus, it was really cold.

I had an interesting conversation with G on saturday. Basically, I realised there was so much more to him. He was finally able to express all his concerns because he has finally came clean to me. It is nice to know you have gain a close friend.

~~~
I am tired. And I havent started on Aristotle. I really dont want to read it...

Sigh.

Thinking of it makes me doze off...

Fridays and fitness

I am home ALONE on a Friday night.

Just because someone decided that houston was more exciting!

~~~

Work on Monday is cancelled, just because the labs had to be close for their yearly cleaning! Great. Just when I am seriously desperate for money. Like seriously. I am in debt.

~~~

That means I can get to go for YOGA on monday. Oh, did I tell you I signed up for group fitness which cost $30 per semester and you can go for all kinds of fun classes.

Thursday, I went for Plyo-Edge which is for advanced fitness. I actually wanted to go for kickboxing (more like kickboxing training without the bags) but the class was too full, so I went next door instead.

The HOT, FIT, TALL, YOUNG fitness teacher had us running, jumping over obstacles and hoops, and using fitness balls and mats.

I dont mind everything but I HATE JUMPING. You know, I am short and my legs dont jump well and I dont have good body cordination. BUT, he had us jumping like more than half the class time...!!!!

Jump over the obstacle, jump from hoop to hoop, high leg lift over obstacle, jump forward and backwards over obstacle, bunny hops from one end of the room to another(width), high leg lift from one end of the room to another (width)...ugh!!! And we had to do each one twice.

I sort of thought I was in the ARMY for a period of time, because it was so torturous to me!

I dont mind using the fitness ball and mats, because my abs are pretty strong, or at least I have a high torlerance for abs workout, even though my back is weak. But it only lasted like 15 mins!

Then, there was sprinting too...and I hate sprints.

Remember NAFA test? My weakness is in sprints and jumps! The rest I pretty much scored a five so that I can get a gold. My arms were strong because of judo. I bet it is weak now.

I dont think I will ever go back to Plyo-Edge now...too much jumps! Had to suffer in class for ONE HOUR! My muscles are aching now, but it is not that bad, I was expecting worse.

I remembered the first time after judo class, and a few times during the sec days, I had to put ointment all over my body and my room smelled alcoholic-minty. My body ached so hard, I could barely walk down the stairs. I had to walk down step by step, like an old grandma. And every movement, I could feel my muscles aching. No wonder, every time I FORCED myself to go judo training, I can feel this HUGE FEAR weighing down on me...not for the muscles ache, but because I had to face the training...basically fighting and groundwork wrestling with people bigger than me.

Plyo-Edge kinda reminded me of that...doing all the things I feared/not good at.

Oh well, Monday I will go for YOGA. Thanks to my work-day off.

Selling books online

You know what makes me happy?

Selling books online.

Lately, I have been trying to get rid of all my books so that I have an easier time moving out of my apartment when the time comes. I have "tons" of books, especially storybooks that are incredibly hard to sell online because you have to sell it for 0.01 cent, which means you actually make a lost.

But for those books which are actually sellable aka more than a dollar, I have sold them at a low price and people have been buying them. So far, I have sold about 5 books. Let's hope there's more to go...

Makes my heart sing everytime I received a confirmation email saying "SOLD NOW...PLEASE SHIP..."

It doesnt matter that I am earning a few cents or dollars, but the thought of clearing out those books just makes me happy.

Sell books sell!

Besides, I desperately need the cash. Hahaha. Seriously, I am bankrupt until my pay check or my transfer from the saving account comes into my checking account. For now, I will barely scrape past paying my january bills.

pls: FYI, I dont buy padded envelope to put my books in. Instead, I wrapped it up with 2-4 sheets of white paper that I grabbed from the computer lab. Always double layer. That actually helps me to earn a few cents or I would have just suffered a lost, especially for books that I sell super cheap. Think from a dollar to five.

Life as it is

I cannot believe I almost missed my class.

I reached school just in time to see my professor for the last 5-10 minutes.

What happened was I thought my class was from 1030am to 1100am.

Nope. It was from 10am to 1030am.

I was on my way to the bus stop at 1010am before I realized my mistake...

Shucks.

~~~

My life is ... monotonous for the moment.

Lots of I need to start working on my project and start studying japanese and start writing again.

But other than that, my life is ...dull...

Of course, I need to write my resume too and attend workshops, I guess.

I dont think I like the post-graduation life.

On the other hand, one of my friend (not close) is going to boston to take some summer classes in harvard. She is planning to rent an apt so I might just head down to boston after graduation and explore NY on the way too...

I was thinking of going to japan for a summer class, but it is too much trouble with the immigration especially since I am graduating...so there's the problem with the visa and etc.

Boston and NY doesnt sound too bad. I'll see...

:)

X

Want to know something really interesting?

My personal life is a BIG FAT JOKE.

That's right.

I am X - the changable, the variable.

I am a puppet, just discarded.

I am shaking off the strings, and picking myself up.

I am learning to walk again.

I am X.

Who am I?

~~~

I feel as if I have been sucked dry.

As if I have reached the limit.

I feel as if I have been waiting for the longest time,

but the wait is over.

And now, there is nothing else I can do,

but to start over.

The storm has vanished,

and the sea is peaceful once again.

I have been in turbulance,

and it is gone.

I cannot change what I cannot change,

but I can accept and live with it,

and my life will continue another path,

because one window has closed,

so another will open...

and I will live again,

in happiness and hope.

Spektor

Recently, I am feeling rather Regina Spektor.

If you havent heard her music, go listen to it.

It is happy, sad, high and low all at the same time. It is wrenching and soulful and heartful and all the wonderful things poured into it.

The best part is, I liked all of her music and if you go to her website and click on radio, you can hear all her works.

http://www.reginaspektor.com/index2.html

Risk

You know what really scares me...

Getting a good job offer in another state and I turn it down.

Of course, it hasnt happened yet.

I havent even gone for any job interviews.

But if the above happened, I dont know what I should do.

Take it or lose it, I have to risk something either way.

I am torn.

No wonder it depresses me so.

I am weighing the scales and it is a 50%-50% happiness.

I cannot win.

~~~

Sometimes, it is true, I feel that I have suffered for long, even though it has only been months. Hahaha. Hmm, oh wait, that IS long.

Depression.

And just as I am depressed, I bounced up easily. And then I fall again.

Every single day, it is like a cycle. Up down up down up down.

I took an online quiz and it said I suffer from major depression.

I think too much. I analyse myself and others too deeply. Every action, every move I take notice and I run through it in my head, giving it several good AND bad reasons why it is like this or that. I never use to do that, only recently.

This is the greatest advantage and disadvantage of a libra - the weighing scale.

I see the good and bad side and I still cannot figure out the meaning, nor can I decide. I am confounded and stuck.

And just like how I get depress real easily these days (I figure it is because I am overtuning into someone's personality. I am too easily influenced) I am able to bounce up as fast as I fall down.

It is confusing me too much. Everything is a mess. My life is a MESS.

I know it is NOT a big mess. But my inability to make decisions is making it a big mess. Once I make a decision, I seldom waver. But I cant now, because I fear of risking...

I want to be happy. But I dont know which decision to follow that will secure my happiness.

One day, when I am secure and happy in life, I will look back and laugh at all that I have gone through this instant.

I like the feeling of being disinterest. I wish I am disinterested because it makes life so much easier to live in. Disinterested and unattached to anything. Then I can make long-term decisions immediately. Disinterested is better than attachment. Attachment, I can break.

Attachment and Interest is hard to break, while Attachment and Disinterested is so much easier to break. So I want to be in the latter section.

Sometimes, I feel relief, just thinking about breaking the attachment. Relief from all those thousand of thoughts running through my head. I cannot deal with those. They pain me, always. But I dont know if I should break the attachment. I am unsure, uncertain. I want my old life. The life where I had such great dreams and hope and positivity before everything started.

Why am I so nice? Why do I keep all my destress to myself just to accomodate another person? Why do I not lash out and stand on my own? Why am I so afraid of hurting others, that I would sacrifice myself instead? It stinks, doesnt it. STINKS.


Man, all this thinking is making me sad. I was happy before all the thinking started.

Goodbye.

Dont read my blog if you want happy news.

I will try for a happy post a year later.

I wish I am MAD. MAD will be a welcome relief from depression.

I HATE THINKING. STOP BRAIN. STOP.

Ugh

I keep denying it...

MY HOMEWORK, I mean.

Like for example, I have readings, papers, quiz, tests and I just keep denying it.

I want to lead a carefree life.

The truth is, my denial is giving me headaches.

Why do I procastinate so? I suffer much.

~~~

I think leading a single life is the BEST.

Seriously.

Singles have freedom. Power. And best of all, DREAMS.

Because nothing is reality, and everything a possibility, they are able to dream.

I think I just loss my ability to dream.

It is depressing when my dreams are gone.

Sometimes, you wonder, if you had walked so-and-so path, where would you be?

Sometimes you regret never havent taken the path.

Sometimes you regret taking the path.

Sometimes you learn even if the path is destroyed.

Sometimes, I wish, life wasnt so complicated.

Sometimes I wish ...

Ugh. Stop.