Fire

I am not going to listen to sweet words.

They dont exist.

Destiny doesnt exist.

I make my own.

If I have to, I will forge my own, with my own strength.

Just because I want to live the life I want.

And I will stand up for myself.

I refused to be stepped over.

I refused to depend on anyone.

I am independent from now on.

I have to stand on my own two feet.

I will accomplish all my goals. Big. Small.

I will not hold back.

I am fire.

And I will blaze.

Over. Finally. Over.

How ironic that my situation has come to this.
It was a dip in the water.
Come and gone so fast, you never even know.
You never cherish, never treated me right.
Up till now, I guess you dont really care. Not 100 percent.
It's stupid, I know, sometimes to think of the future, when none existed.
I stopped thinking of it. Stopped wanting. Stopped dreaming.
And then hope came. And rested its gentle wings on me.

We are walking a different path. I can see it, feel it.
I think you do too. I dont know why, but you never made any effort.
You have greater plans, different from mine.
And I am wasting time, effort and energy just hoping.
I am sacrificing for something that doesnt exist.
I understand now, how someone can fall out and hope again.
I understand now, how you can love again, even though you have been broken.
Because I am going through the very same process.
But I am becoming more cautious now.

I changed.
You made me stronger, in a way.
I no longer believe in happy endings. No fairy tales.
No hollywood.
This is real life.
I cannot depend on anyone. Much less you.
Your promises are empty.
Maybe you meant it, but it cannot happen.
I cannot trust you now, not fully.
I cannot open up to you, for fear of hurting.
I didnt want to walk down this road.

Why didnt we have a happy ending?
But its okay. I have to let go, even if it hurts.
It still hurts especially when you leave me without saying goodbye.
But I finally mean it when I say I am moving on.
I am no longer wishing you called me.
I am no longer hungering for your presence.
It is sad, how it ended.
But you forced it.
I see it in your eyes,
you dont need me.
You dont want me.
Without the connection, we are barely even friends.
We barely talked about deeper issues.
We barely shared our life.
It's over. Everything's over.
There is no use wishing.
I thought I wanted you.
You became comfortable.
You told me months earlier to get go.
Find someone else, you said.
Not now, but down the road, I will.
I have finally found the will to love myself.
Nine days, I suffered.
Aching, dreaming, hoping, haunted.
I wanted to let go so badly,
that I was angry you called, and saw me.
Because I was suppose to withdraw.
It's done and over.

My love has come and gone,
and you never knew nor cherished it.
It's over.



Happy Ending - by Mika

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning,
stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen,
I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning,
something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong,
I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Free

I am thinking of uprooting myself again. To elsewhere.

I am free afterall.

No ties. No one to hold me back.

Free.

~~~

I am thinking of publishing a book.

Hahaha.

What a joke.

But yea, its been on my mind.

If it's not rejected, that is.

Scary thoughts.

CO

Did I forget to mention, oh, I was in Colorado for spring break.

Yup, those were some of the pictures without me or my friends, as usual. Hahaha.

And yea, I went skiing! Go wheeeee down the green slopes (which are the easiest).

~~~

I really dont want school to start.

I wish I could just stay in my room forever.

I like it. No one's at home.

So peaceful, quiet, calm.

Refresh

I think I have withdrawal symptoms.

But it is gone. Finally. I have gotten over all the bad stuff in my life. I am no longer affected by it.

Life is good,

For now.

Holidays have made things easier to bear.

I have found my dreams.

I have refreshed my soul.

I never want to be affected by a person ever again.

I never want my feelings to be dependent on a person's whim.

I never want to be depressed.

I am changing. I will change.

That's why life is good, for now.

I have good friends, who care.

I realized I am different. I am myself.

I must never envy someone else because I am I.

I will be what I want.

I have a will, a spirit, a body, a life of my own.

And I will be me.

It is time for the winds of change.

It blows softly...

I can feel it...

...so gently it lifts my hair.

Slap me, please

Someone please slap me into reality.

Reality is good.

I am free, single and avaliable.

So someone, please slap me again.

And tell me aloud that I am free, single and avaliable.

Gosh, it is taking so long to sink into my brain.

FREE.

SINGLE.

AVALIABLE.

READY TO MINGLE.

Aura, Karma, who knows?

I always had a sense of luck.

If Im feeling negetive, everything bad happened.


If Im feeling positive, everything goes right.

Have you ever been in that situation?


Well, apparently, I was feeling rather down for the last few days. Think depression, but not as bad.


I must have an overwhelming aura of negativity buzzing around me because the next thing I knew, I was in a car accident.


It was almost as if I brought it to myself. Sometimes, I think I did.


I was feeling sorry for myself on sunday and monday because of my fever and I wanted to skip classes so badly that, ok, here you go... Let's get her involved in a car accident.


It was monday night, around 9pm to 910pm. I was on campus. My cousin's car was in a parallel parking on the side of the road. It was dark. I walked over to the passenger's seat without noticing traffic from the other direction. I was feverish and I just wanted to go home. I had my back facing the road and was ready to open the door when suddenly, an SUV/Jeep zoomed past closely and something hard hit my upper back. I fell down at the impact on my butt. My cousin was horrified. I quickly stumbled to the sidewalk, bent over in a squatting position. My small section of my lips were bruised, as well as my butt. My back, of course, hurt the most. I didnt cry. I was more in shock at the situation. The SUV/Jeep had left. My cousin and I didnt take note of the license plate or anything because it was going too fast. According to my cousin, bits of pieces fell of the car. It was a large chunk. Probably the size of a mirror, I suspect since only my upper back got hit, as well as my left shoulder.


My cousin quickly took me to the hospital. I could walk, and move my right hand, but I could not move my left shoulder or my back. I had to walk straight everytime, like a robot. But when I move either arms, my back would hurt again, because of the connecting muscles. So here I was, in the hospital emergency section awaiting my turn for the doctors to look at me. Apparently, they must have thought it was not serious since I wasnt crying and I was walking too. It took 2 hours plus before everything was done, including an X-ray of my back and chest.


The doctors just gave my painkillers and asked me to get it at Walgreens.


Later, the police arrived at my house to get a statement. It was rather late when I finally got to sleep, around 2 am.

So here is my story, lots of bruises. I slept on my right side the entire night and I think my right butt is going to bruise too. Argh.

~~~

I really want to go for japanese class tomorrow, but I dont know. Argh. Thinking about a certain someone makes me depressed and scared because I know all he's going to do is leave and not care. It makes me sad, knowing that the person I care the most doesnt care for me. I know. Life is a bed of roses. I chose the wrong one and now, life is a bitch. No worries. All I need to do is find someone else. Someone better. I know I can do it. I am just waiting for someone.

Sick

I feel sick.

Scratch that.

I am sick.

I am down with the flu, headache, aching bones, a chill.

I am feeling feverish.

It started yesterday morning but I thought I was better today.

Opps, guess not.

I just want to go home and sleep.

Too bad I am stuck in school for the next five hours.

Can someone please save me?

At least I can pity myself.

Poor me.

What a horrible life I lead.

Hahaha.

Heaven

What happened to your heart?

It's gone.

Where did it go?

Heaven.

Why?

Because it died.

I was right.

I was right.

About everything.

I was right.

I figured it all out.

And I analyzed,

Every action,

Every emotion,

My suspicions are corrects.

Everything.

That is why we are on tender ground.

Because now, I dont know what to do too.

I am free.

~~~

You see, he will allow you to do what ever you want.
And it is true. He will go his own way.
He is giving you freedom.
I just dont know what to do with it.

Just drifting, again.

I am silent.

I am just going to ride the waves and let it take me where it will.

And hopefully, I dont sink too deep until I reach the ocean bed.

And if you see me missing,

dont bother.

I am not worth it.

No one cares anyway.

~~~

pls: I am just being dramatic. I am fine. I fall into ditches every now and then.
pls2: I want to be cold. Unfeeling. Insensitive. Carefree.
pls3: I want to be hot, red , emotions, love.
pls4: I want both, but I cannot deal with it, so I dream and hope only the best comes through.

Stupidity

I can finally bear to risk it.

Risk pouring my heart out,

risk everything that I once hold dear,

because I have given up,

and it doesnt matter anymore.

~~~

So this is what it feels like...

to have nothing again.

~~~

I have run out of tears.

I have exhausted my supply of emotions.

~~~

I just want to say,

"Ha, sucker!"

I am just giving ourselves another chance,

to be sure,

that it is over.

I am stupid.

Yeah, sucker.

Reality

Even now, you present me with only one choice.

To leave.

Maybe it is for the best.

If I had any doubts, they are cleared.

If you are only willing to put in one percent, that doesnt give me much hope.

You have been too careless, too carefree.

You take me for granted.

You never understood where I was coming from.

You show concern once in a blue moon.

You go less than a distance.

It is true.

You stop where others will continue.

Everything is for your convienent's sake.

You leave me achorless.

You were never there.

Maybe we built walls too high with each other.

Maybe some of it was partially my fault.

Maybe it is because you do not ask much from me either.

But I cannot deal with you any longer.

I cannot waste my time and energy.

So I thank you, for letting me go easy.

And now, all I can do is breathe.

Love

I should be grateful that...

...my parents still love me, and support me in what I do, even when I am always sully around them.

...my friends stand by me when I need them.

...my life is wonderfully good thus far.

Today, I ...

...made a new friend who took me out for starbucks coffee and dinner at cracker barrel.

...am slowly becoming immune to disappointments and rejections.

...have to buck up on my homework and assignments, like seriously!

...learned that life is not set. I can change it for the better. There are always choices. I can make myself happy. My life is up to me. And I have freedom.

...ate out... my third dinner in a row (dong-a, applebees, cracker barrel) This is amazing! Fattening, but wow, it seldom happens to me, especially when I have people paying for me. ^^


I am so in love...with life. It is beautiful. It is precious. And I am thankful that my parents gave all this to me.

Giving

The more I give,
the more people expect.
And when I pull back,
they get worried.

I think it is good, not to care so much.
Not so care so deeply.
And trust that they are happy.
Because knowing they are happy,
makes me happy too,
and less worried.
So I can get on with my life.

Eat

I think it is a good sign that I am getting back my appetite.

I could finally eat, and eat, and eat happily.

I havent felt that way for a few months.

Or maybe it is because of all the kickboxing workout.

I should go to the gym more often.

Hahahahaha.

Dreams

I had a dream.

And it scared me to pieces.

I dreamt that I was back in malaysia and I was going to go off to my friend's (SY) house in spore, to go on a trip with her dad.

Her dad was going to send someone to pick up me. When he called to say he had sent someone, I said, ok, I will start packing right now. We spoke in chinese. Me in broken chinese. And he seemed displeased because my chinese was so horrible and because I havent started packing. He hung up on me.

And soon, the person came twenty minutes later and I had finished packing. In fact, I just started. I was late. Plus, I had not eaten dinner. We were supposed to go to brazil. And my mom and sister just came back home and they were using the bathroom or disrupting my packing... And I was still packing in a frenzy when I woke up.

Late = one of my greatest nightmare.

Can you imagine the whole dream happened in one and a half hours. So long for such a short description.

I dreamed of something else too.

I dream of chinese shops. Herbal shops.

I thought of busy MRT systems, and a far-away university in england, surrounding by trees high up in a mountain.

~~~

Maybe it all means I need to start studying. Japanese exam is tomorrow and I havent started on anything yet.

I am scared of something. Something strange.

Maybe it is all the school stuff that I need to do, but havent done that is getting into me.

I cannot figure out what I am afraid of. This lingering fear.

~~~

I need a long hot bath to clear my head.

Alone

I fear for myself.

I fear for my future.

I fear for what will happen if I choose you,

because even when Im with you, Im alone.

~~~

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Fool.

To people who couldnt care less:

I am fool.

A BIG FAT FOOL.

I hate me.

Not you, because you have done nothing.

I cannot hate you, when there is only myself to blame.

It is easier to put the blame on myself, because I know myself.

And the only thing I have done wrong was loving you.

Kickboxing

Today, I went for kickboxing class. The first thing the instructor said was, we are going to do advance level now. I am like,"what!" This is only my first time. Instructor asked if there was any newbies, but I didnt raise up my hand though I doubt I was the only one.



It was all good for fifteen minutes, then my legs start to shake and tremble. And I start to worry, because there was still a good forty-five minutes left.



Seeing myself in the room paneled with tall wide mirrors on both sides, I wonder, is that really me?



I scare myself sometimes, because I have lost so much weight since the last semester. I look so fragile, thin, weak. Not exactly what I was looking for. I had a goal, and I surpassed that goal. Aka, I lost more weight than I thought I could possible in my entire life. My weight in now in the range of what I call "I can never be as thin as those girls because it is impossible, my thighs are too fat." Yup, I was recently inducted into their society, and my thighs still look fat.



I dare not look directly at the mirror because my actions looked all awkward, silly, and childish. Instead, I stood behind some ang mo girl, and she was big enough to hide me.



The kickboxing class great. It wasnt as tough as Plyo-edge. I didnt have to jump every second. This is more kicking, and kick I can do.



By the time I went back home and ate dinner, my body was feeling the aftermath of the exercise. I was tired and sleepy. I slept after eating one big bowl of noodles.