Mom's birthday

I just realized I forgot about my mom's birthday.

Damn it!

Now that I live so far away from home, it is harder to remember birthdays especially when they are not on your mind or in your face 24/7.

I always remember my dad's and my birthday first, followed by big brother, little sister and lastly, mom.

Hahaha. So it is no big surprise to know that I forgot her birthday until today...9 days later. And it was only because I was going through my older post where I read about one which said I forgot about my dad's birthday that I suddenly remembered about my mom's, or I would have never thought about it.

I just hope that mom is not too angry. I am not a very good daughter to my parents and I am well aware of that fact. You dont have to tell me.

This is bad. Oh well.

Happy birthday Mom, even if you dont know of the existance of my blog.

Hahahaha.

Moving on

I passed driving two days ago and now, im on to bigger things.

Like finding a job and going for maybe, one? interview and playing rock band.

*sacastically*

Damn, but I swear my life is good.

~~~

In other news, I miss talking to KC.

And, I like playing rock band. So there.

~~~

I dont want to go back home. If possible, I wish to stay on, at least for a little while.

I want to find some hope, elsewhere, but everything is all so uncertain.

I have a time period of currently, less than three months.

If everything fails, I return.

If I find a job, I have a time period of one year and then, I have to go through the waiting process.

If I was cleverER, I will ... just play rock band everyday.

Driving test

I am majorly PISSED.

You hear me.

PISSED!!!!!

I failed driving test coz I did not come to a complete stop!!!

PISSED!!!!

MY FAULT ?? I dont know.

But I swear you can feel my anger. It is just emanating in hot waves from me right now.

I'm on fire and I really need some outlet!!!!

PISSED...!!!

WHY!!!

~~~

Ten minutes later.

Okay, so I think I am alright now. I must not get angry just because I failed my driving test.

Yea man. It is just a tryout.

I am cool. Breathe in, breathe out.

I guess the worst part was I couldnt blame the driving instructor coz he was well, kinda cute looking. Urrgghh..!! And he was nice although extremely picky!!!! I guess I mean... 4 dollars to take the next test?

Well, let's just say its cheaper than paying for driving school.

But boy, I was so pissed....

pls to self: I could use the anger as an experience to put in stories. Title: The cute instructor who failed the cute girl's test.

Yeah man.

Possibilities

I am thinking...maybe there is really no point in staying anymore.

POINTLESS.

I am staying on a 0.01 percent excuse of a wish.

My parents just leave yesterday morning and dad has been planting ideas in my head.

"I want to do my masters in OU."
"But why? It's so far!" said Mom.
"How about spore or australia?" said Dad.

The only reason why I am doing masters is to continue staying in US, oklahoma specifically, or at least, stay away from home. There is really no reason for me to continue my studying if I am going back to spore. But then, I dont mind studying in Australia either, even if Im kinda sick of studying.

There has been recent changes in OPT. If I cant find a job in three months, Im not legal to stay in US. I dont know what to do if I really dont find a job. Like I said, I dont want to go back in three months time. It is too soon!

But then, maybe there is no point in staying in Oklahoma and I should just move on with my life.

Like... do the 360 degrees change. Uproot myself once again and head on in a new direction.

Sometimes, I think if I did that, life would be easier and less painful. There is afterall, no one to consider staying for.

~~~

If I am to go back home to msia, it will be in October. I'll see... I'll see...

Only time will tell...

Worms

I graduated.

Yay.

Fullstop.

~~~

I dont like it when parents come.

I dont think I like talking to them much, even when they mean well.

~~~

I hate feelings.

I never had to deal with it before.

Maybe that's why ... I hate feelings.

I hate worms.

~~~

Amazing

Until yesterday, I never realized how strong my will was.

Amazing.

In order to stick to deadline of finishing my 20 page paper on saturday, I actually started my paper on friday and stayed back in school till saturday to finish it. The paper was due on monday. Mine you, I am so not kidding. I slept on the school couch with the light shinning harshly down on me. It was not fun.

Reasons why I am so amazing.
1) I wrote my paper on a friday!
2) I went to a dinner and had to decline my friend's party to return to school to study at 11pm.
3) I decided not to return home and stay in school to study!
4) I slept at 4 am.
5) I woke up at 10 am and continued my paper!
6) I finished at 4pm. Just right before the MSA bbq!
7) I actually met my own personal deadline!

Now, I must inform you that I am no slacker. I did not purposely wait till friday to start writing the paper. I had 2 projects that I had to finish by tuesday and have a test on monday that i needed to study for. Anyway, long story.

Bascially, I am amazing.

Blah

You know what persistent, perserverance, stamina means?

I do.

I perserved for 4 years ... even when I was living in fear, I did not give up. I subjected myself to torture, abuse, hatred. Probably too weak to give up and say no. A coward.

I perserve now too. In the wrong way. Chasing after a dream that cannot exist.

I have the qualities. I am just using it the wrong way.

If I put the same amount of energy in work and writing, I would be successful. Or at least moderately successful.

I am pretty dumb, I know. At least I am aware of it.

Blah.

Death in dreams

I had the weirdest dream.

I dreamt that I died. But in my dream, I continued living on earth .. like a ghost.

A few hours after my death, I met my roommate, who didnt believe me when I told him I just died. The news hasnt spread yet. I died by a snake bite.

R: You know what to do now right?
Me (Staring at the mirror and washing my hands):What?
R: Start digging.

And the worst part was, I know but I didnt want to do it. I still have so much left on earth that I havent accomplished. I felt as if I just lost everything and there was nothing left for me but to dig.

Dream:

I was eating dinner somewhere by the road...and there was another family a few meter a way. As I made my way back home, the family's snake "chose" me. It flew to my neck and bit me. The newspaper report read that it was unfortunate...

~~~

I really hope I dont die young. After my brush with accident, I woke up feeling extremely terrified, because I know it could happen anytime.

So here I am typing this...because I havent died before, because I still live...

I am going to take a shower now...and then, it is time to do my homework...

It is time to start living life.

-Love-
Me.

Brainwashing

I am brainwashing myself....

BOYS ARE...

JERKS.

JERKS.

JERKS.

That's it.

:)

Fire

I am not going to listen to sweet words.

They dont exist.

Destiny doesnt exist.

I make my own.

If I have to, I will forge my own, with my own strength.

Just because I want to live the life I want.

And I will stand up for myself.

I refused to be stepped over.

I refused to depend on anyone.

I am independent from now on.

I have to stand on my own two feet.

I will accomplish all my goals. Big. Small.

I will not hold back.

I am fire.

And I will blaze.

Over. Finally. Over.

How ironic that my situation has come to this.
It was a dip in the water.
Come and gone so fast, you never even know.
You never cherish, never treated me right.
Up till now, I guess you dont really care. Not 100 percent.
It's stupid, I know, sometimes to think of the future, when none existed.
I stopped thinking of it. Stopped wanting. Stopped dreaming.
And then hope came. And rested its gentle wings on me.

We are walking a different path. I can see it, feel it.
I think you do too. I dont know why, but you never made any effort.
You have greater plans, different from mine.
And I am wasting time, effort and energy just hoping.
I am sacrificing for something that doesnt exist.
I understand now, how someone can fall out and hope again.
I understand now, how you can love again, even though you have been broken.
Because I am going through the very same process.
But I am becoming more cautious now.

I changed.
You made me stronger, in a way.
I no longer believe in happy endings. No fairy tales.
No hollywood.
This is real life.
I cannot depend on anyone. Much less you.
Your promises are empty.
Maybe you meant it, but it cannot happen.
I cannot trust you now, not fully.
I cannot open up to you, for fear of hurting.
I didnt want to walk down this road.

Why didnt we have a happy ending?
But its okay. I have to let go, even if it hurts.
It still hurts especially when you leave me without saying goodbye.
But I finally mean it when I say I am moving on.
I am no longer wishing you called me.
I am no longer hungering for your presence.
It is sad, how it ended.
But you forced it.
I see it in your eyes,
you dont need me.
You dont want me.
Without the connection, we are barely even friends.
We barely talked about deeper issues.
We barely shared our life.
It's over. Everything's over.
There is no use wishing.
I thought I wanted you.
You became comfortable.
You told me months earlier to get go.
Find someone else, you said.
Not now, but down the road, I will.
I have finally found the will to love myself.
Nine days, I suffered.
Aching, dreaming, hoping, haunted.
I wanted to let go so badly,
that I was angry you called, and saw me.
Because I was suppose to withdraw.
It's done and over.

My love has come and gone,
and you never knew nor cherished it.
It's over.



Happy Ending - by Mika

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning,
stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen,
I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning,
something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong,
I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Free

I am thinking of uprooting myself again. To elsewhere.

I am free afterall.

No ties. No one to hold me back.

Free.

~~~

I am thinking of publishing a book.

Hahaha.

What a joke.

But yea, its been on my mind.

If it's not rejected, that is.

Scary thoughts.

CO

Did I forget to mention, oh, I was in Colorado for spring break.

Yup, those were some of the pictures without me or my friends, as usual. Hahaha.

And yea, I went skiing! Go wheeeee down the green slopes (which are the easiest).

~~~

I really dont want school to start.

I wish I could just stay in my room forever.

I like it. No one's at home.

So peaceful, quiet, calm.

Refresh

I think I have withdrawal symptoms.

But it is gone. Finally. I have gotten over all the bad stuff in my life. I am no longer affected by it.

Life is good,

For now.

Holidays have made things easier to bear.

I have found my dreams.

I have refreshed my soul.

I never want to be affected by a person ever again.

I never want my feelings to be dependent on a person's whim.

I never want to be depressed.

I am changing. I will change.

That's why life is good, for now.

I have good friends, who care.

I realized I am different. I am myself.

I must never envy someone else because I am I.

I will be what I want.

I have a will, a spirit, a body, a life of my own.

And I will be me.

It is time for the winds of change.

It blows softly...

I can feel it...

...so gently it lifts my hair.

Slap me, please

Someone please slap me into reality.

Reality is good.

I am free, single and avaliable.

So someone, please slap me again.

And tell me aloud that I am free, single and avaliable.

Gosh, it is taking so long to sink into my brain.

FREE.

SINGLE.

AVALIABLE.

READY TO MINGLE.

Aura, Karma, who knows?

I always had a sense of luck.

If Im feeling negetive, everything bad happened.


If Im feeling positive, everything goes right.

Have you ever been in that situation?


Well, apparently, I was feeling rather down for the last few days. Think depression, but not as bad.


I must have an overwhelming aura of negativity buzzing around me because the next thing I knew, I was in a car accident.


It was almost as if I brought it to myself. Sometimes, I think I did.


I was feeling sorry for myself on sunday and monday because of my fever and I wanted to skip classes so badly that, ok, here you go... Let's get her involved in a car accident.


It was monday night, around 9pm to 910pm. I was on campus. My cousin's car was in a parallel parking on the side of the road. It was dark. I walked over to the passenger's seat without noticing traffic from the other direction. I was feverish and I just wanted to go home. I had my back facing the road and was ready to open the door when suddenly, an SUV/Jeep zoomed past closely and something hard hit my upper back. I fell down at the impact on my butt. My cousin was horrified. I quickly stumbled to the sidewalk, bent over in a squatting position. My small section of my lips were bruised, as well as my butt. My back, of course, hurt the most. I didnt cry. I was more in shock at the situation. The SUV/Jeep had left. My cousin and I didnt take note of the license plate or anything because it was going too fast. According to my cousin, bits of pieces fell of the car. It was a large chunk. Probably the size of a mirror, I suspect since only my upper back got hit, as well as my left shoulder.


My cousin quickly took me to the hospital. I could walk, and move my right hand, but I could not move my left shoulder or my back. I had to walk straight everytime, like a robot. But when I move either arms, my back would hurt again, because of the connecting muscles. So here I was, in the hospital emergency section awaiting my turn for the doctors to look at me. Apparently, they must have thought it was not serious since I wasnt crying and I was walking too. It took 2 hours plus before everything was done, including an X-ray of my back and chest.


The doctors just gave my painkillers and asked me to get it at Walgreens.


Later, the police arrived at my house to get a statement. It was rather late when I finally got to sleep, around 2 am.

So here is my story, lots of bruises. I slept on my right side the entire night and I think my right butt is going to bruise too. Argh.

~~~

I really want to go for japanese class tomorrow, but I dont know. Argh. Thinking about a certain someone makes me depressed and scared because I know all he's going to do is leave and not care. It makes me sad, knowing that the person I care the most doesnt care for me. I know. Life is a bed of roses. I chose the wrong one and now, life is a bitch. No worries. All I need to do is find someone else. Someone better. I know I can do it. I am just waiting for someone.

Sick

I feel sick.

Scratch that.

I am sick.

I am down with the flu, headache, aching bones, a chill.

I am feeling feverish.

It started yesterday morning but I thought I was better today.

Opps, guess not.

I just want to go home and sleep.

Too bad I am stuck in school for the next five hours.

Can someone please save me?

At least I can pity myself.

Poor me.

What a horrible life I lead.

Hahaha.

Heaven

What happened to your heart?

It's gone.

Where did it go?

Heaven.

Why?

Because it died.

I was right.

I was right.

About everything.

I was right.

I figured it all out.

And I analyzed,

Every action,

Every emotion,

My suspicions are corrects.

Everything.

That is why we are on tender ground.

Because now, I dont know what to do too.

I am free.

~~~

You see, he will allow you to do what ever you want.
And it is true. He will go his own way.
He is giving you freedom.
I just dont know what to do with it.

Just drifting, again.

I am silent.

I am just going to ride the waves and let it take me where it will.

And hopefully, I dont sink too deep until I reach the ocean bed.

And if you see me missing,

dont bother.

I am not worth it.

No one cares anyway.

~~~

pls: I am just being dramatic. I am fine. I fall into ditches every now and then.
pls2: I want to be cold. Unfeeling. Insensitive. Carefree.
pls3: I want to be hot, red , emotions, love.
pls4: I want both, but I cannot deal with it, so I dream and hope only the best comes through.